Free-market capitalist and cranial gopher rescue haven Donald Trump has announced this week that he’ll open a new line of casinos aimed squarely at the children’s market.
Many see this as a provocative, or even illegal move, but since all planned locations will be on floating river barges or tribal land, and they plan to file as 501(c)(4) “social welfare organizations,” they are expected to avoid legal scrutiny.
“This is going to be the biggest, classiest racket kids have ever seen,” said Trump, from atop his 10-karat gold-plated lavatory, adding, “this is 18-karat, you stupid bridge troll, get out of here and bring me someone better to do the interview.”
As the press packet explains, children will be able to gamble their allowance, chore and part-time job money on a variety of exciting games, like roulette, black jack and slot machines themed with Sponge Bob, Scooby Doo and all-nude women from the pages of National Geographic, in keeping with academic norms.
“Kids love games,” Trump told our second reporter, who arrived just 90-minutes later to find him still on the latrine. “These are just games they can play that might give them back some money. A lot of money. These kids could be swimming in ice cream before they leave.”
In fact, one of the mega-slots jackpots is literally a ‘swimming in ice cream fantasy’ session, where the winning child will be allowed to bathe, frolic and eat himself diabetic until his 60-minutes, and perhaps his heart, runs out.
“Think of it as Chuck E. Cheese meets Disneyland meets Adderall meets Make-a-Wish meets Trump Casino meets a magic show meets a petting farm without any stupid animals you’re allergic to,” said Trump, wiping his backside with 24-karat leaf, which he promptly flushed down the toilet.
Many partner businesses are already vying for storefront inside these proposed casinos
Pawn shops where kids can sell their video games, collectibles or parent’s rare coins, check-cashing businesses that can turn grammy’s birthday check into gaming vouchers or give you an advance on next week’s allowance, and even an escort service that promises males and females of literally any age to make you feel better about losing your mother’s fine china on a bad hand of Texas Hold ‘em.
“There will not be any alcohol served at these locations,” explained Jack Lincolnov, head of Pediatric Ethics for the casino. “But we will offer unlimited juice boxes, chocolate milk and Red Bull for our patrons while gaming.”
Lincolnov added, “and of course, it will be a smoking facility. That’s just standard for a casino. We’re not saying kids can smoke, but it is a smoking facility, and it’s not our job to card everybody.”
Parent and PTA vice president Jostlyn McCockov expressed her outrage. “This is absurd. Who would do such a thing to destroy families like this? If you’re going to allow child gambling, why can’t the parents gamble there too? It just makes no sense. I want to be right next to my baby when he hits his first jackpot.”
The chain reportedly has a zero-tolerance policy for those over the age of 18, but no apparent mechanism in place to enforce it. Even in the publicity mockup photos, most of the models appeared to be in their early 20s.
“Just like an adult casino, we’re only going to card people if they don’t look like their the right age,” said a gruff man of about six and a half feet, flexing his entire front-side as we asked the question. “If they look like they’re the right age, they play.”
Child Psychologist Speaks Out
Child psychologist Mike Ockispurple told Glossy News that, “this is a tragedy and a travesty. A travestagedy, if you will. Kids are so susceptible to addictions like gambling and drugs. It’s just stupid that they’d do this and wouldn’t even include Keno. Kids would go nuts for that. That could easily be 15% of your profit right there.”
Meagan Salamander (her stage name), an 11-year-old girl already hired to work as a cocktail waitress and whale-tamer in the flagship Atlantic City casino Dinosaur Rocketship, told Glossy News that she’s “just happy to have a job where I am putting my skills to use.”
“Normally [when I] come home from school, I just do homework and practice for pageants. Now I get to go do something important, like keep a mentally retarded 15-year-old happy enough to let it all ride on red. Or black. They told me it doesn’t matter. Plus, I get to feel liked, which is what my mom says life is really all about.”
Her mother asked we not use her comments, but the waiver had already been signed and we were running up against a deadline.
What About Illegal Drugs?
There has been concern that these child casinos would be a hotbed of illegal drugs, but representatives have assured reporters and lawmakers alike that, “only licensed pharmaceutical vendors will be allowed to walk the floor of the casino dispensing drugs.” When asked if that included pediatric marijuana, the representative said, “So long as the child has a prescription, it would be illegal for us to try to stop them.”
He added, “but yes, there will be a roving, on-site marijuana dispensary, roaming the floor of the casino, giving medicinal marijuana to patrons while they are gaming, if that’s what you were asking.”
And without provocation, he added, “And we’ll have a doctor on-site to write prescriptions for that, as needed, and the cocktail waitresses will encourage patrons to request them for things like stress and anxiety.”
Jobs with Benefits?
Agola Hargreth was a parent of a young girl at the press conference, and she wanted answers. “If my daughter works the second stage, does she still get profit-sharing and 401k like the girls on the main stage?”
Hargreth’s daughter, Julenda, a cute but stocky 16-year-old girl with a clear talent for smiling brightly, stood by silently, grinning from dimple to dimple.
“Specifically, would she get maternity leave?” Mrs. Hargreth’s husband quickly left, but we caught him at the door for comment.
“I have no comment. It’s not what you think. Leave me alone. I’m just her stepdad, get out of my face with that camera!”
Other parents were more enthusiastic. Williard Nunyabusiness said, “So I can just drop my kid off here for 18-hours while I gamble myself stupid next door? For what, I give him $100 bucks or so? Sounds too good to be true.”
“So you’re telling me if I can’t afford a babysitter,” said Elizabeth Harnard, pregnant mother of four and stripper at a nearby casino. “I can leave my daughters here all day to work, and they’ll not only make friends, but come home with $15 bucks a pop? Sign me up.”
Harnard added, “What do you do, are you from here?” saying, “you should come see me at the Mauve Room, it could be fun you sly dog, you seem nice, not like the other fellahs.”
According to the press packet, the buffet restaurant “Cowboy Ninja Astronaught” will carry unlimited pizza, fries, nuggets, cheese sticks, macaroni, grilled cheese, goldfish crackers and actual goldfish sushi.
Area Kids Don’t Approve
Twelve-year-old neighborhood entrepreneur Zachy “Name Withheld” Johnstone, of 43 Keelcourt Lane, casino is off the alley, said, “I think this is terrible and they should shut it down. Corporations have already done enough harm in this town. Keep gambling for kids illegal and underground. I’ve started a petition. We’re right, we’ll win, and I’ll give you 7:2 odds on it right now, minimum buy is $20.”
Johnstone added, “you won’t use my name or say where I live, will you? My mom would kill me if she knows I make a grand a month off the kids on my block.”
Beauty Pageants a’ Plenty
Trump is already rumored to be planning a beauty pageant for the casino with age categories of 13-17, 8-12, 4-7, and under 4. There will be no talent test, but it’s believed the only segment will be the bathing suit competition, though many have already speculated that the bathing suits will be optional, since they aren’t “classy”, and only “birthday suits” are normal and natural for children.
“Come on, 13-year-olds should be competing with girls who are going to turn 18 in a week,” said Trump, inexplicably back on the crapper, though this time with his pants on his arms like a deranged puppet. “We’re empowering these young girls to be women, and that’s the spirit of the whole casino. To make kids feel like adults. It’s what I’ve built my whole life on.”
Casino magnate Sheldon Adelson has already filed suit for trademark infringement, claiming he has been working on a children’s casino concept for more than 20-years, but he is under even heavier investigation than Donald Trump, so it’s likely no one cares about the outcome either way.