Categorized | Health

Taco Bell Elects to Take USDA Meat Test Pass/Fail

Taco Bell Elects to Take USDA Meat Test Pass/Fail

IRVINE, CALIF — Taco Bell announced in a statement last week that they have elected to take this year’s USDA meat test on a pass/fail basis, rather than risking another poor performance on the agency’s traditional grading scale.

According to the statement, Taco Bell acknowledges that “as all of our friends already know, we really don’t give a shit at this point. We’re over it. Call it señor-itis.”

“The important thing is that our meat graduates with a degree” the statement reads, “any ol’ degree of human-grade edibility whatsoever.”

Experts say the pass/fail alternative will allow Taco Bell to continue its plans for expanding its dollar menu without raising concerns over how they are able to procure, process, ship, cook, and sell its meat-like foodstuffs at the same price it would cost for you to inflate your own tires with compressed air at a gas station.

At press time, Taco Bell’s beloved chihuahua mascot tragically was reported missing just after the company had announced plans to scrap the “dollar menu” altogether in favor of the more industry-competitive “99-cent menu.”

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If you enjoyed this article, well, there's probably something deeply wrong with you. Fortunately, I'm neither your psychiatrist nor your sponsor. I'm an enabler, and I've got more of that sweet, sweet satire on my website, Reidicule News. Go ahead. Click it and get your fix. I won't judge.

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2 Responses to “Taco Bell Elects to Take USDA Meat Test Pass/Fail”

  1. David1968 says:

    Think this makes sense. They would take the test pass/fail if they could, but the real issue is that you and I would continue eating there either way. Come on, it’s cheap.

  2. Reidicule says:

    I agree. We do eat there because it’s cheap, but also it’s cheap because we eat there. There’s money to be made because of the government subsidies to farms that supply the fast food chains, which would be fine, except that to make money, those farms have to use unhealthy/generally bad methods and raise very low quality (high quantity) meat which, as a result, has to be pumped with antibiotics, etc. etc., so on and so forth. Broken system, really, but you’re right. I’d probably still be chomping the occasional crunch wrap supreme even if it was made with dog food and rat droppings, as long as it tasted the same (which isn’t to say that that’s not already the recipe).

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