Month: August 2012
U.S. Senate Bursts into Spontaneous Verse
The Senate unexpectedly and unintentionally bursts into verse this morning as the legislators were conducting their routine opening procedures. The following is the official Congressional transcript of this incident. CONGRESSIONAL RECORD PROCEEDINGS AND DEBATES OF THE 112TH CONGRESS, SECOND SESSION…
Kim Jong-Un Loses Stubby Arms Race
North Korea’s new supreme leader, Kim Jong-Un, has come under fire from his generals for possessing what some would call, “stubby, chubby child-sized arms,” a claim vehemently denied by state media. “His arms are not stubby!” said state reporter Steel…
Mayans Were Right? Religious Scholars Say Gay Marriage Sign End Is Near
Experts in ancient Mayan culture have been prophesizing the world will come to a cataclysmic end in 2012. They base this on detailed interpretations of the ancient Mayan calendar. Thanks to President Obama’s shocking revelation earlier this summer that he…
$35 Dollar Computer? Why Not, & It’s Gaining Momentum
It’s been an extremely slow month for news with nothing interesting going on. I’ve heard things about a big sporting event taking place in London, an upcoming Presidential election, talks of some new third-world countries developing nuclear weapons, groups of…
U.S. Congressional Approval Falls Below 0%
The U.S. House of Representatives recently held a hearing concerning the revelation that Congress’ approval rating hit the unprecedented low of -0.4%. The following is a transcript of that hearing. CONGRESSIONAL APPROVAL RATING FALLS BELOW 0% 2012 HEARING BEFORE THE…
Housewives Ruin Dinner and the Economy
Housewives forgetting vital ingredients for dinner are costing supermarket chains and the world economy billions of dollars every year. A new study released today has revealed a damaging portrayal of housewives and how they are single-handedly ruining the world economy.
Greek Economic Collapse Could Have Knock-On Effect for Other Not-America Countries
ATHENS, GREECE – As votes continue to be counted in the Greek general election, worries continue to mount that the fallout from the country’s potential economic collapse could have a knock-on effect for many other not-America countries. Should Greece fail…
Aerial Drones Surveil for Trash in Miami… Hey Look, The Olympics
Viewer interest in Olympic skeet shooting soared among Miami Beach residents following the recent passage of a city ordinance mandating recycling monitored by remote-controlled drones. Aerial drones the size of dragonflies fly neighborhood reconnaissance patterns to scan microchips embedded within…
11 New Slogans for the Mitt Romney Campaign
The Romney campaign has been struggling to find their “bumper-sticker” moment, but they’ve been working hard towards that end. What follows is ten of their best new slogans for this 2012 election. Here’s hoping Romney wins, am I right? Top…
Cowardly Lion Refuses to Return Medal Following Steroid Accusation
(AP-OZ)–The Cowardly Lion, who gained worldwide fame for a rescuing a Kansas teen from The Wicked Witch, has allegedly tested positive for anabolic steroids and a Human Growth Hormone known as LGH. A spokesman for the Wizard of Oz told…