Cents and Sensibility (Though Neither of Either)

Singles seeking sensibility over sexuality crashed newbie dating site Pension Singles just thirty minutes into its Valentine’s Day launch.

Hailed as the middle class man (or woman’s) Millionaires Match, the newbie Internet matchmaker promises quality matches between those who slaved and saved for a work-free future full of cruises, cross-country RV trips and as many cable channels a defined benefit can buy. Read more Cents and Sensibility (Though Neither of Either)

Share

Obama Executive Order Forgives Teacher Debt

WASHINGTON DC–President Obama signed an executive order today forgiving college loan debt held by America’s public school teachers.

“Let me be perfectly clear. America’s teachers have worked too hard for far too long, for little pay and even less respect,” remarked the President. “As states like Florida continue to nickel and dime those who educate the youth of this country through legislative mandate of individual pension contributions, union-busting and underfunding of this nation’s schools, providing teachers financial relief–giving back to those who have given so much for so little in return–is a long-term investment in our schools and in our children.” Read more Obama Executive Order Forgives Teacher Debt

Share

Florida Teachers Take the Heat, Won’t Pack It

Florida law bans guns in school so all talk about arming teachers on the job is well, a crap shoot.

In fact, for all the talk, talk, talk no such legislation (as of this date, give them time, it’s early) has yet been filed by a member of the state legislature for consideration.

Odd in itself considering that Florida is the legislative poster state for standing their ground in support of holster laws that often shoot straight to the national headlines by those who wrap themselves in the bullet proof vest of their own pistol-whip interpretation of state firearm statutes. (Case in point, the bumbling bumpkin George Zimmerman of a scenario, the self-proclaimed neighborhood watch vigilante who (allegedly) profiled, chased down, shot an out-of-towner in the form of a teenage boy and once the uh-oh set in, stood his ground to claim self-defense). Read more Florida Teachers Take the Heat, Won’t Pack It

Share

Bikers Ride Whole Hog for NRA

WASHINGTON DC–Motorcycle clubs across America have accepted the challenge to protect this country’s schools.

NRA executive vice president Wayne LaPierre recently stated an armed police officer be placed in every school.

America’s bikers have stepped up in “whole hog” support.

“Hell, I’ll ride up bright and early before first bell, proudly wearing school colors against my own,” stated a biker who identified himself as a Hells Angel, although proof of membership was not provided at time of interview. Read more Bikers Ride Whole Hog for NRA

Share

Pick a Peck of Pilgrim Pepper

Supermarket chains across the United States have agreed to forgo advertising depicting happy families gathered together in celebration and good cheer this holiday season.

Although researchers insist an increase in suicide attempts during the holidays has proved largely a myth, the unusually altruistic business decision was reached during the Thanksgiving holidays after HELP! hotlines reported a sharp spike in calls by persons emotionally distressed following a television ad depicting the tribulations of a paired Pilgrim salt and pepper shaker set tossed about by the type of joyful family only Norman Rockwell could love. Read more Pick a Peck of Pilgrim Pepper

Share

Newspapers Sleep with the Fishes

MIAMI–Newspapers became unwitting casualties of Black Friday after holiday shoppers swore off traditional sales marketing to shop discounts by smartphone.

“I got the paper once a week, on Sundays and only for the coupons,” said one early morning shopper. “No more. With my phone, I can download my store app of choice and voila! No scissors, no messy ink-stained hands, no coupon organizer and best of all, no more bad news I can’t do anything about!” Read more Newspapers Sleep with the Fishes

Share

200 Cows Standing in a Field (or Not)

ORLANDO–My choice to drive State Road 528 over to Orlando International instead of my usual route via Highway 1-92 through Kissimmee proved premonition pops up more often than not.

The emergency broadcast system cut off Buckethead and the crew over at WTKS 104.1, squawking dire tornado warnings to span Osceola, Orange and Brevard County. (Those unfamiliar with the area, that’s one major parcel of ranch land). A funnel cloud had been sighted at Harmony, Florida around about the time I would have found myself driving through the green community sprawling east of St. Cloud. Read more 200 Cows Standing in a Field (or Not)

Share

Allen West concedes defeat– “All I want to do is dance.”

TALLAHASSEE–Allen West conceded today that life was way too short to sit back and count votes.

The defeated GOP incumbent congressman from Florida has decided instead to toss the political towel to newly elected Patrick Murphy, Democrat, freeing West to follow his life dream to become a member of the official University of Florida dance team, the Dazzlers. Read more Allen West concedes defeat– “All I want to do is dance.”

Share

Girl Scouts Rappel Off the Fiscal Cliff for IKEA

DENVER–One hundred girls celebrated the one hundredth anniversary of the Girl Scouts today by dangling off the fiscal cliff.

All participants wore safety gear while standing on the rungs of a mile-long rope ladder lashed together by scouts rocking the National Election Day Jamboree.

“Some politicians believe going off the fiscal cliff won’t damage the economy,” offered a Scout leader. “We’re here to show one loose knot and it’s all over.” A collective scream stopped her short. “Oh look. It’s happening now! Wave, girls! Our founder, Juliette Gordon Lowe would be so proud!” Read more Girl Scouts Rappel Off the Fiscal Cliff for IKEA

Share

Ruh Ro: Romney Concedes Florida Let the Dogs Out

GlossyNews.com – TALLAHASSEE — Mitt Romney conceded Florida early election night, roof-racked by a story he could not shake.

Animal activists nationwide hounded Romney the length of the campaign for strapping Seamus, the family dog to the roof of the car during a 12-hour trip to Canada… or Arizona, wherever it was he went. Read more Ruh Ro: Romney Concedes Florida Let the Dogs Out

Share

Evangelicals Just Say (Hell) No to Romney

GlossyNews.com – WASHINGTON, DC — Destruction wrought by Hurricane Sandy finds evangelicals staying home rather than casting a vote for Mitt Romney, Virgil Goode or Mickey Mouse.

The “Lord’s Will” movement initially organized to support evangelical voters in religious despair over casting a vote for a candidate with a propensity towards lying while holding steadfast to the basic value that honesty is a virtue; The Romney Doctrine. Read more Evangelicals Just Say (Hell) No to Romney

Share

Dixville Notch Grabs Crotch for President

GlossyNews.com – DIXVILLE NOTCH — It’s midnight in Dixville Notch, ten registered voters, one minute to vote, it’s dark, cold and everyone wore a Mackinaw, though few would tell us what exactly that is.

By 12:05 a.m., the 2012 Presidential race is officially a wicked pissah.

All ten votes were unpredictably cast for Peace and Freedom candidate Roseanne Barr and running mate, Cindy Sheehan. Read more Dixville Notch Grabs Crotch for President

Share

Jesus Imaginary Christ: Snake Worshipers for Romney

GlossyNews.com – LEXINGTON — Appalachian state exit polls reflect 47% of snake worshipers scribbled an “X” for Romney while others claimed disenfranchisement of their right to vote.

Election Protection logged a number of phone reports claiming a Kentucky polling place denied entry to registered voters carrying snakes. Read more Jesus Imaginary Christ: Snake Worshipers for Romney

Share

Oh, the Rovanity

FORT LAUDERDALE–Tumult ensued following initial reports that the crash of a Mitt Romney blimp was instead determined to be the explosion of Karl Rove’s much talked about brain.

The head of the conservative political analyst and FOX NEWS favorite spontaneously blew to smithereens after he attempted to opine past the GOP presidential candidate’s obvious lack of readiness on foreign policy.

Emergency crews described the scene as chaotic. “People were scrambling everywhere,” recalled a paramedic. “One guy who looked like Sean Hannity, held a Styrofoam coffee cup, screaming “Scoop up his brain, scoop it up, hurry!” Read more Oh, the Rovanity

Share

The Tea Party Fat Lady in the Closet

I once viewed the Tea Party as the Paul Potts of politics, supported by ordinary people a bit rough around the edges, yet capable of great accomplishments.

Potts, an unassuming man who sold mobile phones for a living, stood solo on the stage of a British variety show and with a talent unexpected of someone so seemingly mainstream, belted out an exquisite operatic aria before a dumbstruck audience.

The we’re- just-regular-folk Tea Party supporters popped up on this country’s stage in much the same way, out of nowhere but from our everywhere, singing angry discontent for a government tone deaf to the people’s wants and needs.

Any semblance ends on that note. Read more The Tea Party Fat Lady in the Closet

Share

Cookie Monster “Loses Cookies” at Local Grocery

NEW YORK–Sesame Street star Cookie Monster was admitted to an unnamed psychiatric center following a cookie incident at Hooper’s Store.

The beloved character filled twenty shopping carts with cookies before being approached by store personnel. Onlookers described the puppet as agitated.

“Me want cookies,” Cookie Monster muttered, scooping up ten packages of Chips Ahoy. “Mitt Romney want Cookie’s cookies!” Read more Cookie Monster “Loses Cookies” at Local Grocery

Share

Welcome to the Hotel Post-Bush Tax Cuts

Discount hotel chains nationwide plan to leave the light on for a new breed of budget-conscious traveler—America’s most wealthy citizens.

After Dr. Hamilton Lempert, a Cincinnati emergency room doctor, conveyed to NPR that expiration of the Bush tax cuts at the end of this year would result in a $20,000 personal tax hit and cause him “ … to decide what to do for vacation …”, economy hotels immediately blitzed advertising campaigns targeting the nouveau deprived.

For those for whom “A Little Rain Must Fall”, Super 88 plans installation of rainfall shower heads in all hotels located off the Interstate highways. Read more Welcome to the Hotel Post-Bush Tax Cuts

Share