(AP-OZ)–The Cowardly Lion, who gained worldwide fame for a rescuing a Kansas teen from The Wicked Witch, has allegedly tested positive for anabolic steroids and a Human Growth Hormone known as LGH.
A spokesman for the Wizard of Oz told the press, “The Cowardly Lion had large amounts of anabolic steroids in urine and blood samples taken shortly after the metal was awarded, as well as a substance that may or may not be catnip.”
The Wizard’s spokesman only demanded the Cowardly Lion return his medal for courage, but there are also calls for others on the rescue team to return their awards as well. While samples from the Scarecrow and the Tin Man came back “clean”, others suggest the entire team had an unfair advantage as a result of the Lion’s steroid use.
A spokesman for Russia’s Yellow Brick Road Relay team says the Cowardly Lion’s entire team should be disqualified. “If it hadn’t been for the Lion using banned substances, maybe our team would have gotten down the Yellow Brick Road faster, rescued Dorothy and gotten the gold.”
The Scarecrow disagreed with the contention that they had an unfair advantage, citing that it was the team’s resourcefulness rather than speed that accomplished the rescue. He chuckled at the accusations, calling the accusers “lying, flying monkeys.” The Scarecrow did agree to return the diploma, however, remarking that is was “from a state school anyway.”
The Tin Man was not as gracious, calling the charges against the Cowardly Lion unfounded. “The Lion did nothing wrong. And they can have my heart when they pry it from my cold, dead fingers,” he told reporters. But, when reminded that he was, in fact, a “tin” man, he replied, “Oh, right…OK, here you go! I guess I just don’t care anymore”
Reporters also interviewed one of the Wicked Witch’s flying monkeys, who claimed to have witnessed the Lion’s “unprovoked” assault on the Witch at the Olympic village following the race. Apparently, The Witch was a big fan of Cage the Elephant and had punched in Ain’t No Rest for the Wicked for the 17th time on the jukebox when the altercation erupted.
“He was obviously high on something,” said the chain-smoking Monkey, his features blurred out on camera. “He came at her in this uncontrollable ‘roid rage’…after it was all over, there was nothing left of her but puddle of urine and a hat. It was awful!”
The Cowardly Lion read from a prepared statement outside his bungalow in the Haunted Forest, stating in part that he has, “never used illegal substances.” He also claims the positive test came from a regular diet of Trelawny yams. The yams contain high amounts of steroidal glycosides, which have chemical structures identical to testosterone. It was well known that scientists synthesized anabolic steroids from yams in the 1930s, but what was not known was that lions ate yams.
Pointing to a photo of Olympic sprinting champion Usain Bolt, who also claims to consume the yam, the Cowardly Lion mocked the reporters by shadow-boxing and taunting them with, “Put em up, put ‘em up!”
Investigators have agreed to perform further tests in an effort to determine if the steroids found in the Lion’s system were indeed naturally occurring. The rhetoric has also toned down since one member of Russia’s Yellow Brick Road team went missing on a routine training run through the Haunted Forest in preparation for the upcoming Hunger Games.
When asked if he had any information about the missing athlete, the Lion, calmly picking his teeth, shook his head and held out his medal. “First of all, I’m not hungry…and secondly, read what my medal says.” One reporter squinted then recoiled in surprise. “I thought it said ‘Courage’. But it says, ‘Carnivore’”, noted the reporter. “Ain’t it the truth!” said the Cowardly Lion. “Ain’t it the truth!”
The Lion continues to refuse to return the medal, but strangely enough, people have suddenly quit asking.