GlossyNews.com – Every member of the Tea Party, Tea Party Patriots, National Tea Party Federation, Nationwide Tea Part Coalition and the People’s Front of Judea has disappeared without a trace.

Incidentally, sources in the Horn of Africa have reported the inexplicable appearance of several million loud, extremely irate, mostly diabetic and stark naked white people outside of a small village 80 miles to the west of Mogadishu. Continue Reading

GlossyNews.com – Before the dust can even settle in the 2012 presidential election, TMZ has received word that vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan has inked a 7-figure deal to shoot a full spread in Playgirl Magazine.

Robert Benson, an official Romney spokesman, had this to say at a press conference called early this morning to explain the situation, and spin it as a positive for the flagging campaign: Continue Reading

GlossyNews.com – I recently had the opportunity to sit down with the Head of the International Cricket Council, Sir Edward Crowley, to speak about why the ICC had chosen Governor Mitt Romney as its new official mascot, and why he had chosen “crickets” as his official victory party anthem.

While this has nothing to do with the sound of crickets as his official victory anthem per se, it’s the best we could secure on such short notice. Continue Reading

So, a little while ago, I wrote this little ditty about how Congress’ approval rating had fallen below 0%.

It was born mostly out of frustration with our political leaders’ absolute inability to do anything other than name post offices.

This was combined, of course, with a moderate sense of boredom because there did not appear to be anything to watch on TV at the time.

The story did pretty well. It was published by GlossyNews, as well as a bunch of different venues, got three and a half thousand individual hits (thanks to Brian’s awesome dissemination skills), and hopefully raised a few chuckles. Continue Reading

I recently had the opportunity to sit down and speak with one of the most popular and successful hip-hop artists of our time: Mr. Kanye West. The following is a transcript of our interview.

BDF: Good morning. It’s truly an honor to be able to get to meet with you.

MR. WEST: Yeah, it is.

BDF: Do you mind if I call you Kanye?

MR. WEST: Naw. Continue Reading

1. Numbers. Ten of them, actually. Maybe Roman, most likely Arabic.

2. Letters. Possibly formulated into words. Whether or not those words are cogent or in the right order is completely up in the air.

3. Links to other Top 10 Lists. Why are you getting a link to the “Top Ten Ways to Sodomize a Goat”? Because you’re a twisted fuck. That’s why.

4. Arbitrary metrics. After several minutes of on and off brainstorming, these are the qualifications the writers settled on before they got back on Facebook.

5. Something you disagree with. “What?? How could they include that entry!? I am clearly to world’s leading expert on this topic, and they didn’t even ask my opinion!”

6. Something you agree with. “Yes, that entry definitely belongs there. I know because I am the world’s leading expert on this topic.”

7. Punctuation. Periods, commas, apostrophes, and maybe even whatever the hell this is: {.

8. Mandatory “controversial” entry. A truly brave and groundbreaking stance based purely on upstanding principles.

9. Half-hearted defense of mandatory “controversial” entry. Apologetic and lukewarm justification of those upstanding principles.

10. Lazy writing. Remember that really, really important revelation your friend had while he was tripping balls off shrooms? What about your significant other’s fight last week with her roommate? No? They seemed pretty trivial didn’t they? So was whatever Top 10 List you just finished glancing through.

A bill explicitly stating that American citizens will be allocated 1 second of free speech for every $10,000 they make a year has made its way through the Senate subcommittee process. The following is the official transcript of the final hearing:

2012

A BILL TO CODIFY, GUARD, AND BOLSTER FREE SPEECH RIGHTS IN THE UNITED STATES

HEARING

BEFORE THE

SUBCOMMITTEE ON THE CONSTITUTION, CIVIL RIGHTS, AND HUMAN RIGHTS

OF THE
COMMITTEE OF THE JUDICIARY Continue Reading

The Senate unexpectedly and unintentionally bursts into verse this morning as the legislators were conducting their routine opening procedures. The following is the official Congressional transcript of this incident.

CONGRESSIONAL RECORD

PROCEEDINGS AND DEBATES OF THE 112TH CONGRESS, SECOND SESSION

WASHINGTON, TUESDAY, JUNE 24 2012

SENATE

MORNING BUSINESS

The Senate met at 10 a.m. and was called to order by THE PRESIDENT PRO TEMPORE. Continue Reading

The U.S. House of Representatives recently held a hearing concerning the revelation that Congress’ approval rating hit the unprecedented low of -0.4%. The following is a transcript of that hearing.

CONGRESSIONAL APPROVAL RATING FALLS BELOW 0%

2012

HEARING

BEFORE THE

SUBCOMMITTEE ON GOVERNMENT ORGANIZATION, EFFICIENCY AND FINANCIAL MANAGEMENT Continue Reading

The United States House of Representatives has recently conducted a bipartisan vote to abolish all forms of satire within the country in a move clearly designed to belie the widely held notion that Congress is the place where good ideas go to die. The following are transcripts from the subcommittee hearing and floor debate that led to the aforementioned vote. Continue Reading