Iraqi Suicide Bombers Struggle Forming a Union

Today union minded Iraqis formed Suicide Bombers Locale #467 in Baghdad but had to promptly look for a new union hall as a couple of the members brought their work in with them.

Sitting outside the smoldering building the surviving members passed an ordinance stating that all bombs in the future must be left outside the front door along with their shoes when entering. The lone dissenting voter was beheaded. Read more Iraqi Suicide Bombers Struggle Forming a Union

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Ralph Lauren Apologizes to Mitt Romney for Chinese-Made Yarmulke

Ralph Lauren has found himself in another tight spot this weekend when it was revealed that the yarmulkes designed for Romney’s visit to Israel were also made in China. A quick apology was issued when news of the non-kosher yarmulkes was leaked to the media.

Lauren had already left to take a short Sabbatical after it was revealed that the uniforms he designed for the 2012 Olympics were shipped out to China for manufacture. Read more Ralph Lauren Apologizes to Mitt Romney for Chinese-Made Yarmulke

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Mitt Romney Adopts His Overseas Money; Emotional Reunion at Airport

BOSTON–It was quite the Hallmark moment for the Romney clan today as the former governor stood next to his campaign bus at the Logan International Airport, anxiously awaiting the arrival of his newly adopted sons.

And as his “precious cargo” emerged from the plane intact, he almost couldn’t restrain himself. Read more Mitt Romney Adopts His Overseas Money; Emotional Reunion at Airport

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Queen Tweets Her Way through the Opening Ceremonies

LONDON–Through a little investigative journalism here and a little bribe there, Iron E-News was able to obtain the royal jewel of news: The Queen’s Tweets.

Unbeknownst to most of the world, her majesty has a secret Twitter account and, since 2009, has become an avid contributor under the codename Intrnt Hpstr.

We have the exclusive and complete list of tweets and are very happy to share them with you: Read more Queen Tweets Her Way through the Opening Ceremonies

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Environmentalists Unite To Support Effing Fracking In California??? What The Frack?

A strange new development has occurred in the continued battle behind the oil industry and environmentalists over the use of fracking. Fracking, for those unfamiliar with the term, is the new art of pumping chemical laden water back into an underground fissure that has already had the oil removed from it.

The fracking forces existing fissures wider allowing companies to remove more oil. Unintentionally the chemical water used has often been showing up in drinking water afterwards. Not to mention that there have been mysterious earthquakes occurring up in places following the fracking where earthquakes have never been before.

The strange new development is that there are now some environmentalists who WANT fracking done in Central and Southern California. That’s correct, you have read that right- there are some ENVIRONMENTALISTS who WANT FRACKING done in CALIFORNIA (ie. THE LAND OF HIPPIES, LIBERALS AND ALL THINGS CONSIDERED UNGODLY AND COUNTER AMERICAN (except Ronald Reagan of course)).

That is the equivalent of Jesus Christ wanting strippers at the Last Supper. In fact, members of the Sierra Club itself are not only requesting, but demanding the fracking.

The strangeness of this demand from the most political of green organizations has prompted a number of private investigators into checking into the situation. Strange revelations resulted. Uncovered was a dastardly plot by the environmentalists to sell oil leases on land all along the San Andreas Fault line.

As investigators dug deeper they realized to their horror that the perpetrators wanted the fracking to cause an earthquake that would dump all of Los Angeles into the Pacific Ocean. It turns out that the environmentalists, normally expressly against all forms of environmental pollution, realized that if they appeared to give in a little, they could appeal to the greed of the oil companies and in the process get rid of California’s biggest environmental disaster- the city of Los Angeles.

The sordid web went ever deeper. It was exposed that all of rural Central and Southern California was sick of the way LA was lording over them and buying up all their open land to gain water rights. They saw sending LA to the bottom of the sea as a plus element for California, giving it a watery resting place just like the legendary lands of Atlantis and Mu.

The investigators, astounded by their discoveries, nonetheless kept their information under wraps. As shocked as they were, they agreed that it was a case of justifiable sabotage and promptly began buying up land along where they estimated the new Pacific beachfront would be.

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Struggling Local Actress Lands Gritty New Role as Data Entry Clerk

INDIANAPOLIS – After working tirelessly to break into the professional theater scene since her graduation from Butler University in 2009, former Theater Studies major Rachael Cardwell has landed a gritty new role entering data for S.C. Clarkson Ltd.

The talented struggling actress, whose only recent stage credit includes playing Lady Montague in a community theater production of Romeo & Juliet, joined up with the accounting firm’s existing crew members Monday. Read more Struggling Local Actress Lands Gritty New Role as Data Entry Clerk

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