Posted in Religionism

Iraqi Suicide Bombers Struggle Forming a Union

Today union minded Iraqis formed Suicide Bombers Locale #467 in Baghdad but had to promptly look for a new union hall as a couple of the members brought their work in with them. Sitting outside the smoldering building the surviving…

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Posted in Biz News Politics

Ralph Lauren Apologizes to Mitt Romney for Chinese-Made Yarmulke

Ralph Lauren has found himself in another tight spot this weekend when it was revealed that the yarmulkes designed for Romney’s visit to Israel were also made in China. A quick apology was issued when news of the non-kosher yarmulkes…

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Posted in Politics

Mitt Romney Adopts His Overseas Money; Emotional Reunion at Airport

BOSTON–It was quite the Hallmark moment for the Romney clan today as the former governor stood next to his campaign bus at the Logan International Airport, anxiously awaiting the arrival of his newly adopted sons. And as his “precious cargo”…

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Posted in Internets Tubes Sports Events

Queen Tweets Her Way through the Opening Ceremonies

LONDON–Through a little investigative journalism here and a little bribe there, Iron E-News was able to obtain the royal jewel of news: The Queen’s Tweets. Unbeknownst to most of the world, her majesty has a secret Twitter account and, since…

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Posted in Technology

Environmentalists Unite To Support Effing Fracking In California??? What The Frack?

A strange new development has occurred in the continued battle behind the oil industry and environmentalists over the use of fracking. Fracking, for those unfamiliar with the term, is the new art of pumping chemical laden water back into an…

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Posted in Talky Pictures

Struggling Local Actress Lands Gritty New Role as Data Entry Clerk

INDIANAPOLIS – After working tirelessly to break into the professional theater scene since her graduation from Butler University in 2009, former Theater Studies major Rachael Cardwell has landed a gritty new role entering data for S.C. Clarkson Ltd. The talented…

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip

Charlie Sheen to Run for President of the President of the United States

NEW YORK—In a surprising move yesterday, Adonis Charlie Sheen announced that he would be running for POTUS (or President of the United States) in the upcoming election and that, obviously, everyone else who ran would fail and become “epic losers.”

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc

Comic Books Say POW to Cancer

Link found between comic books and reduction in cancer risk. In a world where everything can give you cancer scientists have found that reading comic books reduces the risk. According to scientists at Brown University ‘a comic book a day…

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip

Kristen Stewart Relieved She Didn’t Cheat on ‘Old School’ Vampire

LOS ANGELES–Kristen Stewart, actress and star of the popular Twilight series (a documentary closely based on her actual life), has recently confessed to stepping out on her undead beloved, Robert Pattison. According to sources very close to sources closer to…

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Posted in Serious Commentary

There Is A Psychic Sickness That Runs Through the Denver Metro Area

This is NOT a funny article. There is a strain of psychic illness prevalent in certain social stratas of the Denver area of the Colorado Front Range. It is a sickness that spreads tendrils like a cancer. It has been…

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Posted in Biz News Sports Events

Copyright Take-Down: Mount Olympus Forced to Change its Name in Honor of London 2012

LONDON–The International Olympic Committee announced its plans yesterday to change the name of the historic site of the gods, previously known as Mount Olympus, to Mount Samsung in honor of the upcoming Olympic Games. Other famous names that have come…

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Posted in Sports Events

Olympics Security Downgraded to Single Horse

LONDON, UK – The British Home Office has revealed that, owing to a contractual oversight, the event security force for the 2012 Olympics – which opens in London this Friday – has been downgraded to a single horse called Shadow….

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Posted in Sports World News

Steroid Use Gets Satirist Banned from Covering 2012 Olympics

Johnny B. Rotten, a writer who makes his living making fun of the people who make the world an interesting place to live, has officially been banned from covering the 2012 Olympic Games in London. Rotten is accused of illegal…

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Posted in News In Your Briefs

Olympic Opening Ceremony Rife w/ Offensive British Stereotypes

The home fans seemed pretty upset by the float car with giant, bad teeth, belching green fog indicating bad breath. The Bobby mascots endlessly chasing cartoonish burglars because they have no guns really touched a sore point too. Worst of…

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Posted in Sports Events

Opening Ceremonies to Switch to ‘Hunger Games’ Format

LONDON – The International Olympic Committee (IOC) today announced plans to dramatically alter the usual format of the Opening Ceremonies, moving away from the traditional vibe of peace and goodwill and opting instead for a Hunger Games-style fight to the…

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip Health

Diet Craze “Famine” Sweeps Hollywood, 3rd World

Madonna has returned from her latest trip to Africa with a new celeb ‘famine’ diet. Always looking for a way to stay in shape Madonna, 53, has been following a new diet that will dramatically lower body fat, bone density and muscle….

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Posted in News In Your Briefs

Rob Portman Takes Over Romney Campaign While Romney in London

The GOP has seized its chance to finally rid itself of Mitt Romney as their presumptive Presidential candidate. Just minutes after Romney’s plane was supposedly landing in London, GOP Chairman Reice Priebus announced on CNN that Ohio Senator Rob Portman…

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Posted in Sports Scandals Sportsfolk

As Olympics Open Michael Phelps Tests Positive for Performance-Enhancing Arms

BALTIMORE, MD – The world of athletics was left stunned Tuesday after the announcement that 14-time Olympic gold medalist swimmer Michael Phelps has tested positive for performance-enhancing arms. The world renowned swimmer, who won eight gold medals at the 2008…

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Posted in Human Interest Sports Events

Tally Ho: Preview of the London 2012 Summer Olympics

LONDON ENGLAND – 27 July, 2012 – Reuters Newswire The 2012 London Summer Games have officially begun. The breathtakingly beautiful new venue known as London Olympic Stadium (scheduled to be completed just in time for the 2016 Summer Games in…

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Posted in Biz News

Exclusive interview with Chase CEO Jaime Dimon

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH JP MORGAN CHASE CEO JAIME DIMON by Derisive Duck senior business editor. Derisive Duck: “Mr. Dimon, may I call you Jaime?” Dimon: “No.” DD: “Please explain to our readers, Mr. Dimon, how your bank could lose more…

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