Kristen Stewart Relieved She Didn’t Cheat on ‘Old School’ Vampire

LOS ANGELES–Kristen Stewart, actress and star of the popular Twilight series (a documentary closely based on her actual life), has recently confessed to stepping out on her undead beloved, Robert Pattison.

According to sources very close to sources closer to Stewart’s sources, the one-night stand Kristen had with director Rupert Sanders may have been exciting but it “didn’t really mean anything to (her).”

Mr. Pattison, after hearing the news, was seen crying by hunters somewhere near Washington National Forest.

“We heard a loud sobbing sound followed by halted whimpers,” reported one of the hunters. “And we just assumed it was a rabbit accidentally caught in one of our traps. But when we approached the poor fellow, he just looked at us with this heartbroken, dreamy look and then flew away.”

Although Ms. Stewart is sincerely apologetic for her actions, she has admitted to her closest friends that she is quite relieved she wasn’t dating Gary Oldman at the time.

Apparently, she was interested in Dracula a few years ago but didn’t date him because he “scared the sh– out of (her).”

Unfortunate spirits now enslaved to the Dark Master have confirmed Kristen’s fears saying, “Although he would have still loved her, he would have loved her to death (a very slow, painful one).”

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