Post Office Devises Uniquely Dastardly Ways to “Reduce” Staff

Post Offices across the U.S., faced with the necessity of laying off 40,000 employees, have come up with unique methods of accomplishing this goal.

The administrators at the main distribution center in Denver, Colorado have set up a scam where the employee coffee machines will only dispense ice-cold coffee to its midnight shift. The employees, some of which were so addicted to the substance that they have coffee in their veins substituting for blood, sparked a riot that killed 200. This eliminated 25% of their labor force, effectively putting them back in the red. At the main distribution center in Commerce City the Post Office authorities succeeded in getting the all night strip club to close at midnight causing a riot amongst the night employees that eliminated 50 overfluous employees.

The downtown Chicago Post Office purposely over-hired Christmas temp workers causing regular employees to crowd the cafeteria thinking they could slack off. The shortage of available seating led to fistfights that killed 100 and left 200 injured.

The Columbus, Ohio Post Office intentionally over hired foreign employees, then drafted a covert letter to its known KKK members that they had a goal of hiring 100% non-American employees by next year, setting off a riot that killed 150.

In a gesture of supposed Christmas ‘good will’ the Memphis PO set out 300 doughnuts for its workforce of 500 employees. The ensuing fracas caused 200 grim deaths.

Cutting the brake lines on a majority of the delivery vehicles in Minneapolis helped them get rid of 50 jobs, but it also snarled up the delivery system for days afterwards.

Other PO’s used less violent, yet effective tactics. Due to problems with employee theft and violence, all large Post Office’s have a police presence. One Miami branch put fake $50 bills in fake envelopes and nabbed 200 employees. The Louisville PO shipped 100 boxes of rigged Chirstmas cookies that ‘mysteriously’ always got dropped ‘accidentally’ and ripped open, thus allowing employees to ‘sample’ them. 240 employees were ousted in that coup.

In one truly devious move, the LA Central Distributing Plant glued fake $100 bills to the inside bottoms of their large shredding machines. The incident did eliminate a lot of jobs, but also sent their Workman’s Comp costs soaring and left them with a lot of one-armed uniforms.

Other PO’s around the country are exploring the possibilities of using their employees natural tendency to ‘go postal’ to alleviate the over sized work force. Union officials have protested this tendency, but were too busy beating each other like pinatas over the fewer union positions left that none have made a comment.

Author: rfreed

I was born and I died. Being a disembodied entity makes it very cheap for me to get by. Not having to worry about eating or having a place to live gives me a lot of freedom to squander my time writing occasionally funny articles. See more almost funny stuff at