Chinese Ports Await Massive Christmas Cash Delivery

The Chinese ports of Shanghai and Shenzhen are preparing to unload dozens of giant freighters. The ships are filled to the brim with cash made from selling Americans millions of tons of cheap junk over the Christmas holidays.

Fueled by the flashing bright colors, scantily clad models and pictures of wide-eyed children inherent in American advertising, Americans went all out by scraping cash, debit and credit cards from the bottom of their threadbare pockets in an annual ritual that on the surface looks like it was designed only to preserve China’s economic influence in the world.

“Ahh yesss,” exclaimed Chinese rickshaw economist Xie Jian, in an interview with Tawdry Soup while standing dockside in Shanghai, “I see boat now-in distance. It come with lot of money. Fatass American so stupid he think money he spend on good luck charm’s birthday help his country. All that money leave his town and come to us. Even the bag he carry crap home in made in China.”

Then, after allowing himself the luxury of a wry smile, Jian added, “The money also help bottom line of cheap crap dealer chain store and make stock price go up to help the rich in your country and big bank only. American still don‘t understand why his economy suck. Nothing he buy made in America.

Then he spend all year paying off bank that give him loan to buy Chinese product so he feel rich and popular like American TV tell him. Hahahahahahaha.” This was followed by a rattling cough brought on by 20 years of chain-smoking American cigarettes.

The cough was so violent Glossy News’ Tawdry Soup reporter expected Jian’s few remaining teeth to fly from his tar-stained mouth and splash into the water that was busily coating the riprap with layer upon layer of a dark purple goo streaked with bright green.

After regaining his composure, Jian let Tawdry Soup in on another secret. “In six month when cheap crap break and get thrown in trash, American city will sort it out and send it back to us for recycle and we make more crap to sell cheap. Here in China, we very frugal.“

Somewhere in America, a liberal is awaiting bail in the local jailhouse after being arrested for passing out bumper stickers that said, “Please: Don‘t buy Chinese,“ in front of the local Target on Christmas Eve.

Author: TawdrySoup.Com

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