Month: August 2010
Steinbrenner Options Satan for Minor Mephistopheles to be Named Later
HELL (GlossyNews) — Word comes via famed psychic John Edwards, that legendary sports icon George Steinbrenner has not gone ‘gentle into that good night.’ Other sources confirm Edwards’ assertions. The former Yankees owner has discharged Satan from any further managerial…
Ground Zero Camels More Offensive Than Joe Camel or Camel-Toe
NEW YORK (GlossyNews) — In a scene guaranteed to blow the stacks off the rabid Right, who insist no religion except Christianity should be worshiped within a 12,000 mile radius of Ground Zero, a herd of sub-quattro even-toed ungulates were…
“Fast for Annorexia” March Seen as Self-Serving
Thousands descended on the National Mall, but none felt as snubbed as the local D.C. vendors. By the days end, despite more than 87,000 in attendance, sales were lackluster at best. “I haven’t sold a single sausage,” said Sal the…
Holy Grail Found Inside Ark of the Covenant Inside Noah’s Ark
Astounding news continues from a Hong Kong based group of evangelical archeologists. The Xinyou Qing Project (rough English translation, ‘We go find Ark now’) first grabbed headlines this year with discovery of Noah’s Ark on Mt. Ararat. Detailed work at…
92-Year-Old Pervert Arrested After Metro Bus Grope Fest
Branson, MO. – A senior citizen bus trip from the Days End senior home in Louisville, KY to Branson, Mo, a popular tourist spot in SW Missouri, has caused some trouble for the old folks and a serious run in…
The New Uncool — Using Turn Signals
LOS ANGELES, California (GlossyNews) — Scientists have determined that an alarming and increasing number of drivers are “turn signal challenged”, that is, unable to use a turn signal when driving. This form of mental malfunction appears to be more pronounced…
Glenn Beck Believes He is More Popular than Jesus AND the Beatles
Glenn Beck originally attacked John Lennon posthumously for his quote “We are more popular than Jesus now.” However, Beck recently admitted he now knows exactly what Lennon was referring to when he said those words. Beck now believes that not…
Steenking Badges Demand Trending Sharply Lower
In what industry analysts warn may signal a downturn for Mexico’s extraction sector, ‘Steenking Badges’ futures closed sharply lower today. The precipitous decline over the past six weeks, though generally seen as unfavorable, elicited highly contentious opinions. The widely acknowledged…
Hog Jaw, Arkansas Named Kissin’ Cousin Capital of America
Hog Jaw, Arkansas has just been named the Kissin’ Cousin Capital of America by Tammy Fay Cosmetics, beating out the other Hog Jaw, Alabama by a mile. The mayor of Hog Jaw, Humphrey Dumpty, in announcing this most dubious honor…
Republicans Suffering from Short-Term Memory Loss
There is worry in this country that too many in the Republican leadership have been smoking too much pot for too long. Evidence is mounting indicating that many of their leaders are suffering from short and long term memory loss….