Steinbrenner Options Satan for Minor Mephistopheles to be Named Later

HELL (GlossyNews) — Word comes via famed psychic John Edwards, that legendary sports icon George Steinbrenner has not gone ‘gentle into that good night.’ Other sources confirm Edwards’ assertions. The former Yankees owner has discharged Satan from any further managerial duties of Hell, LLC. Read more Steinbrenner Options Satan for Minor Mephistopheles to be Named Later

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Ground Zero Camels More Offensive Than Joe Camel or Camel-Toe

NEW YORK (GlossyNews) — In a scene guaranteed to blow the stacks off the rabid Right, who insist no religion except Christianity should be worshiped within a 12,000 mile radius of Ground Zero, a herd of sub-quattro even-toed ungulates were spotted grazing around Ground Zero today. They were apparently oblivious to the brouhaha surrounding the proposed Islamic cultural center to be located within blocks of the historic site. Read more Ground Zero Camels More Offensive Than Joe Camel or Camel-Toe

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“Fast for Annorexia” March Seen as Self-Serving

Thousands descended on the National Mall, but none felt as snubbed as the local D.C. vendors. By the days end, despite more than 87,000 in attendance, sales were lackluster at best. “I haven’t sold a single sausage,” said Sal the Sausage Guy, a perennial favorite at such events. “It’s like these skinny broads just don’t wanna eat or something.”

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Holy Grail Found Inside Ark of the Covenant Inside Noah’s Ark

Astounding news continues from a Hong Kong based group of evangelical archeologists. The Xinyou Qing Project (rough English translation, ‘We go find Ark now’) first grabbed headlines this year with discovery of Noah’s Ark on Mt. Ararat. Detailed work at the site has now uncovered the most precious relics of Christendom. Read more Holy Grail Found Inside Ark of the Covenant Inside Noah’s Ark

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92-Year-Old Pervert Arrested After Metro Bus Grope Fest

Branson, MO. – A senior citizen bus trip from the Days End senior home in Louisville, KY to Branson, Mo, a popular tourist spot in SW Missouri, has caused some trouble for the old folks and a serious run in with the law as well.

As the bus entered Missouri, an elderly woman, Bertha Klump, came up to the driver Cal Fischer complaining about being molested by a man while she was seated in the back row. Read more 92-Year-Old Pervert Arrested After Metro Bus Grope Fest

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The New Uncool — Using Turn Signals

LOS ANGELES, California (GlossyNews) — Scientists have determined that an alarming and increasing number of drivers are “turn signal challenged”, that is, unable to use a turn signal when driving. This form of mental malfunction appears to be more pronounced amongst men, many of whom also feel that it is effeminate or beneath them to signal their intention of turning before doing so. “What business is it of theirs which way I’m going?” is a common attitude often taken shortly before ramming a smaller car trying to get into the same space. It should be noted, however, Read more The New Uncool — Using Turn Signals

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Glenn Beck Believes He is More Popular than Jesus AND the Beatles

Glenn Beck originally attacked John Lennon posthumously for his quote “We are more popular than Jesus now.” However, Beck recently admitted he now knows exactly what Lennon was referring to when he said those words. Beck now believes that not only is he (Beck) more popular than Jesus, but he also believes he is infinitely more popular than the Beatles. Read more Glenn Beck Believes He is More Popular than Jesus AND the Beatles

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