Posted in Religionism Sportsfolk

Steinbrenner Options Satan for Minor Mephistopheles to be Named Later

HELL (GlossyNews) — Word comes via famed psychic John Edwards, that legendary sports icon George Steinbrenner has not gone ‘gentle into that good night.’ Other sources confirm Edwards’ assertions. The former Yankees owner has discharged Satan from any further managerial…

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Posted in Politics Religionism

Ground Zero Camels More Offensive Than Joe Camel or Camel-Toe

NEW YORK (GlossyNews) — In a scene guaranteed to blow the stacks off the rabid Right, who insist no religion except Christianity should be worshiped within a 12,000 mile radius of Ground Zero, a herd of sub-quattro even-toed ungulates were…

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Posted in News In Your Briefs

“Fast for Annorexia” March Seen as Self-Serving

Thousands descended on the National Mall, but none felt as snubbed as the local D.C. vendors. By the days end, despite more than 87,000 in attendance, sales were lackluster at best. “I haven’t sold a single sausage,” said Sal the…

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Posted in Religionism Top Stories

Holy Grail Found Inside Ark of the Covenant Inside Noah’s Ark

Astounding news continues from a Hong Kong based group of evangelical archeologists. The Xinyou Qing Project (rough English translation, ‘We go find Ark now’) first grabbed headlines this year with discovery of Noah’s Ark on Mt. Ararat. Detailed work at…

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Posted in Crime Strange People

92-Year-Old Pervert Arrested After Metro Bus Grope Fest

Branson, MO. – A senior citizen bus trip from the Days End senior home in Louisville, KY to Branson, Mo, a popular tourist spot in SW Missouri, has caused some trouble for the old folks and a serious run in…

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Posted in Crime

The New Uncool — Using Turn Signals

LOS ANGELES, California (GlossyNews) — Scientists have determined that an alarming and increasing number of drivers are “turn signal challenged”, that is, unable to use a turn signal when driving. This form of mental malfunction appears to be more pronounced…

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Posted in Politics Top Stories

Glenn Beck Believes He is More Popular than Jesus AND the Beatles

Glenn Beck originally attacked John Lennon posthumously for his quote “We are more popular than Jesus now.” However, Beck recently admitted he now knows exactly what Lennon was referring to when he said those words. Beck now believes that not…

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Posted in Biz News Top Stories

Steenking Badges Demand Trending Sharply Lower

In what industry analysts warn may signal a downturn for Mexico’s extraction sector, ‘Steenking Badges’ futures closed sharply lower today. The precipitous decline over the past six weeks, though generally seen as unfavorable, elicited highly contentious opinions. The widely acknowledged…

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Posted in Human Interest Society

Hog Jaw, Arkansas Named Kissin’ Cousin Capital of America

Hog Jaw, Arkansas has just been named the Kissin’ Cousin Capital of America by Tammy Fay Cosmetics, beating out the other Hog Jaw, Alabama by a mile. The mayor of Hog Jaw, Humphrey Dumpty, in announcing this most dubious honor…

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Posted in Politics

Republicans Suffering from Short-Term Memory Loss

There is worry in this country that too many in the Republican leadership have been smoking too much pot for too long. Evidence is mounting indicating that many of their leaders are suffering from short and long term memory loss….

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Posted in Top Stories World News

Obama Gets Tough with Iran: Leaves Bitchy Note on UN Desk

Washington, DC (GlossyNews): In its toughest rhetoric yet, the Obama Administration lashed out at Iran’s ongoing nuclear enrichment program. Iran maintains the program is only intended to develop a domestic nuclear fuel source for civilian electrical power generation, an explanation…

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Posted in Human Interest

Giganti-Baby May Be Sumo Prodigy by Age Three

Lei Lei, named phonetically after the famous Lay’s potato chips, was a large baby when born, but not extraordinarily large according to his petite Chinese mother. However, ever since his birth, he’s been eating anything and everything in sight, and…

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip Entertainment

Jon Stewart Pays to Make ‘Man Whore’ Rumors Go Away

NEW YORK (GlossyNews) — Jon Stewart is allegedly being blackmailed by one of The Daily Show’s employees over allegations that in the 90’s, Stewart was a man whore. The information about this closely guarded secret came to light when the…

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Posted in Entertainment Society

‘Hokey-Pokey’ Songwriter Laid to Rest in Simple Ceremony

CLINTON, Missouri (GlossyNews) — With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person who gave the world fun and togetherness for over 50…

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Posted in Making Headlines

Baby May Be Brittney Spears’ Areola by Age Three, Thanks to Linday Lohan Rehab Scandal

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Posted in Making Headlines

Habitual Self-Pleasurer Admits What He Likes About Playboy’s Kendra

Nothing.

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc Travel

Newsweek Purchased by Finnish Tourism Dept for $1

Finland, that land of perpetual daytime, when it isn’t night 24 hours a day — known for snow, reindeer, hot tubs, saunas and, I guess, other things, was in the news this last week. In a story that barely made…

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos Religionism

Anti-Islamic Hackers Alter GPS Script to Divert Mecca-Bound Prayers

JAKARTA Indonesia (GlossyNews) — At the insistence of Muslim holy leaders in the Saudi Arabian city of Mecca, an incredibly accurate new GPS tracking system will be installed to thwart anti-Islamic hackers who have recently been caught attempting to alter…

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Posted in News In Your Briefs

Newlyweds Disappointed by “Oral Expectation” Gap

Sarah and Ted Jgorksen of Providence, Rhode Island dated for almost two years before tying the knot last Sunday in a small traditional wedding held in the Elmhurst neighborhood. While Ted assumed the $5,200 diamond solitaire would ensure a lifetime…

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Posted in Human Interest Strange People

Boston Rave “Mystery Pills” Found to be Bathtub Sponge Toys

Last Saturday, over a dozen “rave” party-goers were taken to hospital in the Boston suburb of Cambridge. The ostensible culprit was “bad ecstasy”, but the pills, sold for $25 to $35 each, turned out to be nothing more than novelty…

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