Steenking Badges Demand Trending Sharply Lower

In what industry analysts warn may signal a downturn for Mexico’s extraction sector, ‘Steenking Badges’ futures closed sharply lower today. The precipitous decline over the past six weeks, though generally seen as unfavorable, elicited highly contentious opinions.

The widely acknowledged Zen master of Latin American mineral markets was as usual, cryptic and candid at the same time. Said Nobel laureate Inigo Montoya, “Yes, I know what they say. In a time when precious metals are escalating against shaky world paper currencies, they find the drop in bandit requests for fake badges inconceivable. This word ‘inconceivable’ I do not think it means what they think it means.”

Adding to the controversy, newly reorganized Bear, Stearns, Berenstain & Bear this week sold short on steenking badges futures. BSB & B’s press release pulled no punches. Per CEO Kevin Klavan, “It’s undeniable. Mexico mineral wealth is unreliable. We all wish that they were viable. Steenking badges applications are a leading indicator of new gold deposits. Used to hand them out by the dozens. Now they couldn’t give them to their cousins. The Mexican mineral outlook comes without charts, it comes without graphs. Seems clear to me it earns nothing but laughs. It has no security, only uncertainty. The Mexican mineral market seems destined to fall, but maybe, just maybe gold deposits aren’t really about ‘Steenking Badges’ after all.”

In late trading, it appeared the markets were heeding the words of Mexico’s Under Assistant Deputy Minister for Mineral Issues, Fred C. Dobbs. Although UADMMI Dobbs has a somewhat checkered past, the shadowy expatriate who once ran a bar in Casablanca and toured with the Grateful Dead is respected. Said Dobbs, “Don’t stick your tampons in the wrong place girls. I don’t like it anymore than you do, but there’s gold in the Sierra Madres. Lots of Mexicans too, why I don’t know. Steenking badges have nothing to do with Mexico’s mineral deposits.”

Author: Liberties-Taken

I write gags for Glossy News when an idea pops into my pumpkin sized head. Don't make a big deal out of it, OK? I contribute to my local food pantry and you should too.