Steinbrenner Options Satan for Minor Mephistopheles to be Named Later

HELL (GlossyNews) — Word comes via famed psychic John Edwards, that legendary sports icon George Steinbrenner has not gone ‘gentle into that good night.’ Other sources confirm Edwards’ assertions. The former Yankees owner has discharged Satan from any further managerial duties of Hell, LLC.

At this writing, Steinbrenner’s motives remain unclear. This much is known. Satan’s role will be assumed by interim manager Pol Pot, pending the imminent death of Charles Manson.

In a Glossy News exclusive, the Prince of Darkness spoke on the re-structuring. A sharp dressed man, who does actually look a lot like George Clooney, sat down at GNN world headquarters this week for a frank discussion of this unforeseen development.

Said Beelzebub, “Obviously this thing took me by surprise. I’ve been Sin Enterprise Officer a long time. I’ve poured myself into that SEO job. Gave it the best six thousand years of my life. Not like I’m looking for sympathy? I despise it when humans feel sympathy.”

The author of all evil went on to mention some career highlights, in the wake of his unceremonious dismissal. “Black Death, that was all me. Killed one fourth of Europe. You think Pol Pot can touch that? But SEO is a nuanced job too, requiring long range vision. Like Disco music and Harlequin romance novels, all my work. Those Police Academy movies too. Not bragging or anything, just saying? Evil is serious business best left in the claws of seasoned professionals.”

In the free ranging interview, Satan paused only four times to say “It’s cold in here; how do you people stand it?” The Prince of Darkness waxed philosophical on many topics. He spoke fondly about the results of the 2012 Presidential election (it’s not going to be good) and expressed his consternation at the firing. “Yeah, I really had no idea Steinbrenner could fire me. Weird, just weird. You’d think I’d know more about ‘fire’ than anybody, but what the Hell, right?”

Overall the former SEO of Hell, LLC was upbeat on his future prospects. “I’m thinking either TV Preacher or politics. Hey? Did I ever tell you about my inventing the infomercial?”

Author: Liberties-Taken

I write gags for Glossy News when an idea pops into my pumpkin sized head. Don't make a big deal out of it, OK? I contribute to my local food pantry and you should too.