Categorized | Crime

The New Uncool — Using Turn Signals

The New Uncool — Using Turn Signals

LOS ANGELES, California (GlossyNews) — Scientists have determined that an alarming and increasing number of drivers are “turn signal challenged”, that is, unable to use a turn signal when driving. This form of mental malfunction appears to be more pronounced amongst men, many of whom also feel that it is effeminate or beneath them to signal their intention of turning before doing so. “What business is it of theirs which way I’m going?” is a common attitude often taken shortly before ramming a smaller car trying to get into the same space. It should be noted, however, that among women who are chain smokers, flip the bird easily, drink their rum straight and often don’t bother to shave their armpits the tendency is also high.

Police in certain areas have become increasingly annoyed at having to do so much paperwork and clean up after non-turn signal accidents such as mopping up brains and trying to figure out which detached limbs belong to which corpse.

In these areas, some offenders who have committed left hand turning offenses are not being allowed to turn left anymore and must plan their trips using only right turn signals. Most drive in frustrated circles and end up being back home. The same is true for right hand turn offenders who are only allowed to make left handed turns. Many refuse to leave their house out of shear frustration.

A second, but no so widely used tactic initiated by police is to set up the car so that the driver’s air bag deploys whenever the car makes a sharp turn unaccompanied by the proper turn signal. This was a successful tactic against some violators, but unfortunately for many, the airbag usage causes more accidents that not using the turn signal.

In some highly testosteroned and aggressive societies, such as Georgia, males see using a turn signal as a form of yielding to an opponent, in this case another driver. Some drivers polled would rather have a wreck than give way. In English and Nordic societies signaling one’s intended direction is seen as a form of communication and for them all form of communications with strangers is an excruciating experience.

Law enforcement officers are considering using arcade bumper cars as a way of letting offenders work out these aggressions before they are played out on our real city streets. Other agencies have experimented with having one area of town permanently roped off as a demolition derby with the last survivor each day getting a pardon.

In other areas they just simply beat the snot out of them.


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I was born and I died. Being a disembodied entity makes it very cheap for me to get by. Not having to worry about eating or having a place to live gives me a lot of freedom to squander my time writing occasionally funny articles. See more almost funny stuff at


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