OOHRAH! Alternative to Other Camp Lejeune Settlement TV Ambulance Chasers

Semper Fi!  A refashioned Marine Hymn
From the Stalls of Montezuma’s Revenge,
To lying sweat-soaked near Tripoli with Dengue,
You’ve suffered much for the good ol’ U.S. of A;
If contaminated at Lejeune, time to make it pay.

A direct reflection of leadership at Camp Lejeune
Left you and yours singing a discordant, ugly tune.
You’ve given your all for the Red, White, and Blue,
But the last lines of the Marine Hymn ring too true:

“If the Army and the Navy [are only fit]
[To] Ever look on Heaven’s scenes [a bit],
They will find the streets are guarded
By [contaminated, dead] United States Marines.”

 Marine Friends and Survivors:
I too wore a uniform paying glory to the U.S.A. [Upper East Side Boy Scout Troop #127].
Improvise, adapt, and overcome.
Let’s break the facts about this settlement down, Barney style:
As TV ads on every sporting event you watch have informed you, you’re eligible for disability benefits if you served at Camp Lejeune or MCAS New River for at least 30 cumulative days from August, 1953, through December, 1987, AND you didn’t receive a dishonorable discharge AND you or family (including buns in the oven) who lived on base have had a diagnosis of one of many presumptive conditions.
Mass tort law firms – the ambulance chasers who until recently trolled airwaves for victims of Catholic priests, the government, insured motorists, health practitioners, law enforcement personnel, or other deep pocket sources — have recently flooded all media to ferret out Camp Lejeune clients for their own nefarious purposes.
Do they care about you? No, they’re interested in qualifiers because recent Biden administration-enabled decisions ensure there is no requirement to prove negligence among Lejeune water-contaminated personnel, practically ensuring they’ll get a big cut of what’s owed you.
As you say in the Corps, signing on with these con-men would be “good initiative; bad judgment.” 

“Who’s Your Daddy? Legal Associates” offers a BAMCIS alternative, modeled on that Marine leadership practice: “Begin planning, arrange reconnaissance, make reconnaissance, complete the planning, issue the order, and supervise.” We will not skate in getting our job done for you, and you won’t feel ninja-punched or treated like a jarhead.
Other “Semper I [and fuck the other guy] Law Networks” will offer to help you if you have clearcut presumptive conditions (bladder, breast, kidney, lung, liver, esophageal cancers; Parkinson’s; Leukemia; miscarriage; etc.).
We’ll march the extra click for you. Even if you don’t think you or your family have a presumptive condition, or symptoms that might point to one, consider family behavior over the years, carefully and objectively.

One recognized presumptive condition is NEUROBEHAVIORAL EFFECTS. Such effects may include poor memory and concentration, dementia, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, insomnia, fatigue, motor problems, and other cognitive problems that DIVORCE YOU FROM

“Whose Your Daddy?” Legal Eagles have devised a simple questionnaire to determine if you may be eligible to collect a 30% settlement (we’ll work hard for our 70%) because you or the relative seeking collection is divorced from reality — if you’ll excuse the bluntness, bat-shit crazy, a neurobehavioral effect if there ever was one.

20 Questions to Determine Potential Eligibility
Even though you avoided cancer, or other such nefarious maladies, positive questionnaire answers below indicate you’d still be a good prospect to claim a handout. And, we’ll crawl in that foxhole right next to you during the entire battle to get money due you and us.

IF YOU, OR ELIGIBLE SPOUSE OR PROGENY, ANSWER “YES” TO FIVE OR MORE OF THESE QUESTIONS, contact us directly at the number or email address on the next page (above our too tiny to read disclaimer) ASAP:

  1. QAnon drops provide my main source of non-fake political information now that Fox has gone soft.
  2. Deep State puppets make up the Biden administration as they did the Obama administration. 3.
    Left-wing public education is anti-American.
  3. All political progressives are perverts or pedophiles.
  4. The 2020 election was stolen from President Trump.
  5. There should be a wall on our Southern border keeping out rapists and riff-raff.
  6. Climate change is fake news; saying it exists is a ploy to kill jobs.
  7. There should be no weapon possession or carrying restrictions.
  8. Details about the so-called Holocaust are exaggerated.
  9. Proud Boys and their ilk who stormed the Capitol last January are patriots.
  10. I consume opioids or Fentanyl like Jews control finance.
  11. Confederate monuments shouldn’t bother anybody, unless that person’s a cancel-culture zealot.
  12. The Earth is flat, science is crazy, Christianity is the truth: Woke and white people need to take
  13. Bill and Hillary Clinton, and probably Obama too, pimp out children.
  14. Donald Trump, a paragon of virtue and patriotism, was, and will be, a great leader.
  15. Agreeing with Dr. Strangelove’s General Jack D. Ripper, water fluoride’s a commie plot.
  16. WWG1WGA [Where We Go One, We Go All] and MAGAGA [Make America Great and
    Glorious Again] are mottos that excite me.
  17. The China Flu (what Deep Staters call Covid-19) got started and overreacted to by the likes of Doctor Fauci in cahoots with the Chinese and other conspirators who want to bring our country down.
  18. President Trump didn’t know about the Stormy Daniels’ payment, which merely settled a nuisance claim.
  19. The Constitution dictates right-minded Supreme Court Justices should divine the framers’ intentions and nothing else when reaching decisions, especially since the framers didn’t include women, slaves, or foreigners — proponents of abortion, reparations, and insurrection.
    We won’t make you hurry up and wait; don’t make us wait.
    I am,
    Phineas Pettifogger, Esq. – Rank: Wolf Squad (Boy Scout equivalent of Lance Corporal)
    We are,
    “Who’s Your Daddy? Legal Associates” — Bad-Ass Lawyers!  Oohrah!

Author: Ken Hogarty

Dr. Ken Hogarty, who lives in SF’s East Bay with his wife Sally, retired after a 46-year career as a high teacher and principal. Since, he has had stories, essays and comedy pieces published in Underwood, Sport Literate, Sequoia Speaks, Woman’s Way, Purpled Nails, Cobalt, the S.F. Chronicle, Points in Case, Glossy News, The Satirist, and Good Old Days. PO Box 84, Canyon, CA. 94516 Kenhogarty@gmail.com

Wadayasay? Here's your chance to sound off!