Elderly Population Terrorizes Chicago Suburb Fourth Straight Week; Mayor Calls for Cessation of Violence

Bowling Alley Latestin Series of Attacks

by R. S. Wheelock

(API)R. S. Wheelock Middleton – “We’re kickin’ ass and takin’ names,” said one unidentified man in his eighties in the aftermath of last night’s siege of the Lucky Strike Bowling Lanes in Middleton, IL. Six people were hospitalized after a group of men estimated to be in their seventies and eighties entered the bowling alley shortly before nine p.m. with, as one onlooker described, “a real attitude.”

The men proceeded to heckle bowlers in the apparent attempt to provoke an altercation, which quickly ensued when patron Jorge Alvarez voiced his objections over one of the men pinching his wife on the buttocks. A fight then broke out in which Mr. Alvarez and several patrons who came to his defense were beaten up by the men. One eyewitness described the scene as, “complete pandemonium…bowling balls flying everywhere…video games and pinball machines thrown through the windows.

It was like these old guys had superhuman strength. They were chasing everybody all over the place with bowling pins.”


              Lucky Strike Bowling Lanes following siege – Photo by Jessica Orman                                            courtesy of Middleton Citizen Journal
This, the latest in a series of unprovoked attacks by the elderly has left the cityof Middleton gripped with fear. In an ongoing set of appeals Middleton’s mayorSeth Greenberg urged restraint on the part of the elderly, stating, “We can and will work through this. I refuse to believe the unfortunate actions taken by manyof those in our senior community were of their own design. Some of our bestminds are hard at work in getting to the bottom of this sad and terrible business.”

While empathetic to the tragic state of affairs that has overtaken Middleton’s elderly, the mayor was quick to add, “The city’s elderly more so than anyone must realize the severity of their actions, and that such actions can and will not be tolerated. It is with this set of priorities in mind that I have instructed all law enforcement to employ respectful but forceful measures in dealing with any senior citizen who continues to exhibit destructive behavior.”

When Middleton Citizen Journal reporter Greg Ewing attempted to reach segments of the senior population for comment he and his photographer were met with a long train of verbal abuse and threats of physical violence. One group of men who appeared to bein their nineties held up a large sign which read, “Go f– yourself.” While attempting to leave the scene their vehicle was rocked back and forth by a group of senior citizens, both male and female, at one point nearly pushing the vehicle onto its side.

After breaking free from the mob their path was blocked by an elderly woman on a motor scooter.

With the mob closing they were forced to drive through a row of hedges to affect their escape.                                                      

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A public meeting has been scheduled for 9:30 a.m. on Tuesday, March 28 in the Green Room of Middleton’s Convention Center located at 621 Commerce St.. The meeting will discuss ideas and strategies of how best to deal with the tragic situation moving forward. In the event senior members of one’s own family choose not to attend the meeting, city council spokesperson Sheila Wray strongly recommends that those individuals be left alone and not pressed into attending.

Author: Dexter Sinistri

Dexter Sinistri is a famously centrist writer who has worked as a Hollywood correspondent for a number of leading publications since 2005. Though once a photographer, Mr. Sinistri struck out as a writer on all things celebrity, and he likes to consider himself a tremendous asset to Glossy News, though by most accounts, he has fallen somewhat short of this effort.

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