Incoming House Judiciary Chairman Jim Jordan vowed to investigate the “liberal, Democrat plot to deny patriotic Americans Fauci Footballs during Christmas.”

Speaking in front of a Christmas tree, with rifles dangling from the branches, he said: “We are still a capitalist nation. So, God-fearing patriots should have been able to buy Fauci Footballs for their children to kick around during Christmas.”

But Jordan had to delay his investigation because the House was struggling to name a new Speaker for the session that started Jan. 3.

So, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, on his way home from Iowa, picked up the ball. He said, “I told Floridians that it is ok to kick that ‘Little Elf’ across the Potomac River. Now, though, I realize that is not enough.

“Therefore, I plan to investigate whether Sunshine State resident Donald John Trump conspired with Democrats to keep Fauci Footballs off of store shelves. “

The ambitious young governor continued, “After all, Trump’s a moron who failed to fire Fauci when he was president. So, I’m putting Donald on notice: Being a moron is no defense against conspiring to limit commerce.”

Not missing a beat, Fox News jumped on the political bandwagon. Well-paid evening hosts warned of the “most recent Democrat attempt to erase Christmas.”

Leading the way, Tucker Carlson said, “This is another version of the Great Replacement Theory. Democrats want to replace White people with illegal aliens. And now they won’t let White children kick the evil Fauci around. In contrast, there are loads of trans dolls in stores. Shame on them.”

Reached outside a Catholic Church, Fauci declined comment.

But Matt Staver, from Liberty Counsel, declared in a press release: “We are all sinners. Even so, we need accountability. And that means indictments in adult criminal courts. And children kicking Fauci Footballs around from sea to shining sea in sacred playgrounds.”

However, the founder of Libs of Tik Tok took the debate to an entirely different level. In a much-shared tweet, Chaya Raichik warned against “people in drag playing with Fauci Footballs.” She concluded, “Isn’t anything good and pure these days? It sure seems those dirty libs want to corrupt our holy right to turn a doc into a devil.”

Author: Steve Schneider

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