Salt Lake City, UT (AP). It might be recalled that in the early stages of the 2016 presidential campaign, concerns about the disaster that Trump would wreak on the party were raising alarms among the Republican faithful. At first, he was just perceived as a kooky entertainer; then he became a worrisome distraction, and soon, there were fears that his Fascist predilections would permanently scar the reputation of the GOP.
Those concerns had resulted in increased scrutiny of the upstart’s background. Consequently, in a shocking revelation genealogists at the Family History Library in Salt Lake City, Utah announced that they had uncovered incontrovertible proof that Donald Trump was the illegitimate son of Benito Mussolini and his mistress Claretta Petacci. That’s right the progeny of Il Duce was none other than El Douche (sic) from then on to be remembered as Donaldo Egotista Bastardo Trump. Although the details were sketchy, he was apparently rescued by gypsies after being abandoned by his parents (a precursor to the sense of alienation that he would experience for the rest of his life) in the woods in Sicily and somehow miraculously ended up in Queens, New York.
When confronted with the allegation back then Trump, as was his wont, simply doubled down and said, “Now I understand why I have always loved pasta and have had such an affinity for this giant of a man. I am so proud to be a Mussolini.” Asked if he was going to legally change his name to Mussolini, he said, “it is not out of the question, but for now it would be too difficult to alter the ballots in Iowa and New Hampshire on such short notice.” Apparently, he has not attempted to officially acknowledge his fascist father (until now) and as time has passed, he still has yet to drop the Trump family name.
The incident was all but forgotten, given the whirlwind of distractions and deflections that, like Mussolini, he has so adeptly practiced over the years. However, yesterday in a Family History Library news release it was announced that it has been discovered that El Douche actually has a younger illegitimate sister. And incredibly, she has turned out to be none other than La Douchette, Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA). At first the Greene and Trump camps vehemently denied the supposedly spurious allegation, but then apparently seeing the political advantage that a Fascist pedigree might offer, quickly back pedaled and enthusiastically acknowledged that Trump was indeed Greene’s long-lost sibling. To mollify their Christian Evangelical Base who might possibly be concerned with speculation on incest, both vehemently pointed out they were just friendly colleagues and there were never any carnal aspects (eww!) in their totally professional, mentor-mentee relationship. “Now that Biden has forced us to come out of the “Fascist closet” both FPOTUS and I see our unique heritage as a springboard to reclaiming our country for all MAGAsites.* We are truly proud to be Mussolinis and will carry his legacy into a dawn of a new American age of benign authoritarianism,” concluded Greene (aka Mussolini).
When asked to comment on this shocking development Biden replied, “the noveau Mussolinis really do deserve each other and unfortunately, will be an inspiration to Fascists all over the world. God help us weather this storm.” True to his nickname Rep. Kevin McCarthy (Rep-TX) in his moronic retort said, “what utter nonsense being spewed by the great ‘divider and chief’– Mussolini was never a Fascist and he knows it!”)
*A recently coined characterization of generally ignorant, pissed off, bottom feeding, bat shit crazy and armed forever Trumpistas.