Tag Archive | "terrorism"

‘Canadian’ Quarter Leads to Terrorist Arrests at Unemployment Office


PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania (GlossyNews) — Agents from the Federal Bureau of Investigations, Department of Homeland Security, and SWAT teams from around the are descended on a local unemployment office after a random security sweep uncovered “terrorist paraphernalia” on several adults filing unemployment claims.

A high ranking FBI official confirmed dozens of arrests were made of persons possessing “components necessary for the construction of IED’s (Improvised Explosive Devices,)” Read the full story

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Times Square Bomber Gets Plea Deal – Turned in 6 Smokers


NEW YORK, New York (GlossyNews) — Department of Homeland Security officials admitted today at an early morning press conference that Faisal Shahzad, 30, the alleged “Times Square Bomber,” was released on bond at the behest of New York City leaders as part of a plea deal where Shahzad agreed to disclose the name of several individuals who consistently ignore and evade the City’s anti-smoking regulations.

A high ranking Homeland Security official stated, “It is not unusual for plea deals to be made with accused criminals in the hope of gaining information leading to the prosecution of even more dangerous criminals. Read the full story

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Fatwa Declared Against GlossyNews Writer


LONDON, UK (GlossyNews) — A Fatwa has been declared against GlossyNews as a reaction to the thousands of articles ridiculing the Taliban, suicide bombers, Muslim clerics, Islamic law and a host of other things that seem strange and humorous to infidels. Internal GlossyNews security personnel issued a red alert throughout the elegant British headquarters at Number 12 Downing Street, which resides next to the Prime Minister’s offices. Read the full story

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Comedy Central Censors Own Press Release About South Park Censoring


Dothan, Al (GlossyNews) — After a week of controversy surrounding the censorship of an episode of the animated series South Park for mentioning the Prophet Muhammad, Comedy Central announced today it would also be censoring it’s own press release on the subject.  A spokesman for Comedy Central said they received another veiled threat from the Islamic group Revolution Muslim about the press release because it had, just like the show, referenced the prophet by name.
 
Comedy Central responded to the threat by re-releasing the original press release with all the sections referring to Muhammad redacted. Executives at Comedy Central say they were doing what they felt was in the best interest of their employees safety. Read the full story
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Al Qaeda Suicide Bomber Interview Captured on Video


WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — CIA Director Leon Panetta released today a portion of a captured al Qaeda suicide bomber job interview. In the scene, the jihadist recruiter attempts to determine if he should take a chance on the earnest young man seated before him:

Mahmoud el-Zarwarti: I wish to apply for the internal explosives unit.
Interviewer: Prior experience?
el-Zarwarti: Uh, fondness for Mexican food.
Interviewer: Current occupation?
el-Zarwarti: Fisherman
Interviewer: Accepted. Would you prefer your 72 virgins in one lump sum or doled out over five years?
el-Zarwarti: Neither. I am not interested such pleasures.
Interviewer: Your reward, then?
el-Zarwarti: 72 sturgeon. Fresh caught.
Interviewer: Done. Next man.

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Officials Discover Al Qaeda Operating Rogue Aviation Network: Low Fares but Horrible Safety Record


TIMBUKTU, Mali – In early 2008, an official at the U.S. Department of Homeland Security sent a report to his superiors detailing the most significant development in aircraft usage since 2001: al Qaeda has been operating a rogue aviation network. Francis Baldhamer, the official who issued the report, also noted that this increased competition, which promises fares much lower than U.S. airlines, threatens to weaken the already faltering transportation industry. Read the full story

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TSA Takes “Security” Out of Name


Washington DC (GlossyNews) — The US Transportation Security Administration today announced effective February 1, 2010, the Administration will take the word “Security” out of its title, becoming simply the US Transportation Administration.

The official spokesman for the Administration, Roger ‘ Pink ‘ Floyd, told the Glossy News this morning, “The whole security thing is a lot harder than we originally thought. We think it is just beyond the scope of services we can offer at this time.” Read the full story

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Obama Vows to Investigate Alarming Rise in GPS Malfunctions


President Barack Obama announced yesterday that he would ask the Department of Homeland Security to investigate an alarming rise in GPS malfunctions. Although he stopped short of suggesting a link between terrorists and the rash of travelers who wound up as many as five hundred miles off course after following aggressive GPS instructions, the president said that such incidents could undermine America’s economic recovery. Read the full story

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Taliban Announces 30,000 Jihadist Surge to Match US


President Obama today announced that in line with the Rothshite Zionist-dictated edict that the United States is not allowed a Middle East or foreign policy separate from – or in conflict with – Israel’s, he will be dispatching an additional 30,000 troops to Afghanistan to reinforce the ones those nasty Taliban keep snuffing. Read the full story

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Why Do We Still Need Homeland Security in America?


Despite of all the controversy, bureaucratic waste of money, and the violation of personal rights, privacy, dignity, and freedom, why do we still need Homeland Security in America?

“Every year, 475 million people, 125 million vehicles, and 21 million import shipments come into our country at 3,700 terminals in 301 entry ports. It takes 5 hours to inspect a fully loaded 40 foot shipping container. More than 5 million of them enter each year. Read the full story

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Terrorists Win! Bin Laden “Pleasantly Surprised” w/ NYC 9-11 Show Trial


Deep in the Mountains of Pakistan: Osama Bin Laden gave a rare press interview today to BSNE and other members of the international media. Commenting on the Obama Administration’s decision to try the mastermind of the 9-11 Attacks, Khalid Sheik Mohammed, in civilian court in New York City; a near giddy Bin Laden announced, “The terrorists Win!” Read the full story

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Fort Hood Massacre Not Terrorism, “Simply a Case of Islamic Involuntary Assisted Suicide”


Washington, DC: President Obama was quick to urge calm today in the wake of the Fort Hood Massacre. In his remarks, the President urged Americans “to wait until all the facts are in” before drawing conclusions as to the motives of the assailant, Army Major Nidel Malik Hasan. Read the full story

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Milband the Millipede Makes Faux Pas 1,782


Foreign Secretary David Millipede once again stuck his foot ankle deep in the brown smelly stuff yesterday by publicly declaring that there were circumstances in which terrorism was justifiable. Read the full story

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