The boardgame Risk was the subject of controversy after several hardcore gamers attempted to attack the White House. A statement from the leader of the group before the incident said:

“All of us have played a lot of Risk. We’re really good at it now, and we’re pretty sure that the skills we’ve learned from this game will allow us to conquer the world, provided we can pick which countries we start out with.”

The gamers showed up at the gates of the White House with dice in hand and prepared their assault. One Secret Service agent commented on the attack.

“It was the most confusing thing I’ve ever seen. They were just running around throwing dice.”

The attempted assault lasted 5 minutes, and the gamers were arrested. They are currently awaiting trial, and have been denied further access to board games, with the exception of Sorry.

Terrorizing innocent, decent people isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. You get stuck sleeping with cretins who stink like deep-fried weasel, constantly eat curry-laced leftovers, and notice, too late, some jerk used all the toilet paper — no wonder Osama bin Laden always resembled a raving lunatic.

But what really sucked him down the pit of despair was shacking up with three wives. Read the full story

Among the hoard of video footage found in Osama Bin Laden’s hideout were a number of out-takes and blooper tapes, it was revealed today. These tapes are a mixture of mistakes by Bin Laden himself while talking directly to camera and practical jokes he played on members of his entourage.

CIA analysts examining the tapes say that this new evidence has proved very useful in tracking down his terrorist network, as well as being “laugh-out-loud funny.” Read the full story

ISLAMABAD – [Glossy News] – The recent demise of Osama Bin Laden has left a vacuum at the heart of Al Qaeda, the world’s foremost terrorist organization.

There is no shortage of ambitious would-be Public Enemy Number One’s to fill the void however, and they are currently jostling for position in what has been dubbed the “Race to the Shite House.” Read the full story

It has already started, the “What were you doing when you heard the news that Osama bin Laden was killed?” Most of us were getting ready for bed or already there on a Sunday evening when the news broke. Not much else to remember, just that as soon as we heard, we couldn’t turn off the television. Read the full story

CAIRO — Al Qaeda issued this statement to Internet militant websites:

“We regret to announce that our Premier Leader, Usama bin Laden was killed Monday in plain sight at his home in the city of Abbottabad, Pakistan.

We want to say that we will continue with our long-time intent of attacking Americans and their allies for the rest of this week, which ends today at sundown, Cairo time. Please watch your internet inboxes for an additional statement.”

In the additional statement, the group announced one small change in their at-large organization, the opening of the group’s permanent headquarters. For the initial first few months’ time, the location will be undisclosed, and all correspondence must be through a post office box in Cairo’s business district.

The box number is 5111. A once memorable, secret password for the group, and meant as a tribute to Rudy Giuliani’s presidential campaign password that worked so well for him.

The group added that they have approved a final spelling of their name as al Qaeda. This approved spelling was sent by press release through the normal accepted media channels.

The lone media person for al Qaeda, who would not disclose his name, explained to the gathered media in the Cairo square, that the radical terrorist group has had a quite recent change of heart and wants to be recognized in the world as an actual somebody.

“We feel that the past 10 years have not turned out as well as we had so strongly hoped and planned,” the media person said. “Where we feel we went wrong was at the beginning when we listened to bin Laden and only bin Laden. That has really turned out to be a big mistake.”

He continued, “So we hope now to become a part of the world discussion and we feel that we deserve a second chance to get it right.”

The spokes-man then turned on a Power Point slide on his laptop, presenting several Arab locations and said, “The recent public uprisings in Tunisia, Egypt, Libya, Syria, Yemen and, most notably, the Tea Party protests in the USA, have shown our members that we don’t stand a chance in this world as a clandestine, radical grassroots organization unless we stabilize ourselves and settle into a permanent location.”

The next slide showed the famous central square of Cairo. “We have chosen Cairo,” he stated, “since it is centrally located and is at most, a 2-hour plane ride from our satellite locations. But most important, the rent is less than half what we were paying in Abbottabad. And we have 6 floors, not three. Bada–bing, we’ve moved! We’re here and we aren’t going away.”

He turned the slides off and said, “I am sorry that I can’t show you the actual location at the moment. For the time being, you’ll have to trust me that we aren’t planning any more bombings or catastrophes. Al-Qaeda wants to become a quality, world citizen organization. We are even going to apply to the UN in New York for membership. We want to make things right.”

He smiled as he opened a small hotel entry door behind him and said, “Now if you all will come through, we’ve planned a little appetizer and cocktail reception for your pleasure. You can get reacquainted with Mr. Guiliani who is seated in the far corner with several of our members. They are waiting for your questions. Hopefully the Fox camera crew won’t be a problem. Roger is doing a documentary about our endeavor to become responsible citizens. “Do please enjoy. Allah be praised.”

Usually reclusive Rock phenomenon Faisal X spoke to reporters this week about stardom, musical influences and career goals.

“My roots; middle class upbringing in Jordan. Studying engineering in France when I got radicalized. Next thing I’m lugging ammo boxes over Afghan mountains, asking myself ‘Youssef, why don’t these idiots do jihad somewhere with roads?’ Just kidding, I love my brothers. Death to America, and I mean that sincerely.” Read the full story

WILLIS TOWER LOBBY, CHICAGO (Glossy News)—Former Pres G.W. Bush, who prefers to be known as W, visited Chicago to promote his forgettable memoir, My Distant Points: As Opposed to 41′s Vision Thing the other day. In what his press release alluded to as a wide ranging open press discussion, he said that he understood that Sears was afraid of becoming Target and that is why it left the tower. Or as W wrote in his book, “Sears pulled an Elvis.” Read the full story

SAN NARCISO, Calif. — Ceremonies will be held today in honor of William Fallopian, a local San Narciso boy turned hero. Fallopian, son of Mike Fallopian, a well known Yoyodyne executive and chairman of the Peter Pinguid Society, works for the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) at Los Angeles International Airport. Fallopian garnered national attention last week when, during a routine full body screening, he detected testicular cancer in a traveler waiting for clearance at the security checkpoint. Read the full story

LOS ANGELES, Calif. (Glossy News) — Since the recent incident between Southern California resident John Tyner and the Transportation Security Administration (TSA), which involved the now infamous “groping” scandal, travelers are debating whether to continue moving about the Land of the Free by plane. Several civil liberties organizations have gone so far as to urge fliers to forgo air travel on November 24, historically the busiest day in airports across the country. Read the full story

SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. (Glossy News) — October 5, 2010, was as any other day in San Francisco. Tenderloin beat cop Mike McKenna stepped into his routine that morning, patrolling the stretch of Leavenworth that starts at Market Street and ends somewhere before the hills get too steep for the crack-heads to climb. Nibbling a cheese Danish, he explained to his partner Dan O’Maley, “I don’t like donuts, but these are great.” Then a fateful call came over the radio, ordering a response to the methadone clinic across from the YMCA. Read the full story

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania (GlossyNews) — Agents from the Federal Bureau of Investigations, Department of Homeland Security, and SWAT teams from around the are descended on a local unemployment office after a random security sweep uncovered “terrorist paraphernalia” on several adults filing unemployment claims.

A high ranking FBI official confirmed dozens of arrests were made of persons possessing “components necessary for the construction of IED’s (Improvised Explosive Devices,)” Read the full story

NEW YORK, New York (GlossyNews) — Department of Homeland Security officials admitted today at an early morning press conference that Faisal Shahzad, 30, the alleged “Times Square Bomber,” was released on bond at the behest of New York City leaders as part of a plea deal where Shahzad agreed to disclose the name of several individuals who consistently ignore and evade the City’s anti-smoking regulations.

A high ranking Homeland Security official stated, “It is not unusual for plea deals to be made with accused criminals in the hope of gaining information leading to the prosecution of even more dangerous criminals. Read the full story

LONDON, UK (GlossyNews) — A Fatwa has been declared against GlossyNews as a reaction to the thousands of articles ridiculing the Taliban, suicide bombers, Muslim clerics, Islamic law and a host of other things that seem strange and humorous to infidels. Internal GlossyNews security personnel issued a red alert throughout the elegant British headquarters at Number 12 Downing Street, which resides next to the Prime Minister’s offices. Read the full story

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — CIA Director Leon Panetta released today a portion of a captured al Qaeda suicide bomber job interview. In the scene, the jihadist recruiter attempts to determine if he should take a chance on the earnest young man seated before him:

Mahmoud el-Zarwarti: I wish to apply for the internal explosives unit.
Interviewer: Prior experience?
el-Zarwarti: Uh, fondness for Mexican food.
Interviewer: Current occupation?
el-Zarwarti: Fisherman
Interviewer: Accepted. Would you prefer your 72 virgins in one lump sum or doled out over five years?
el-Zarwarti: Neither. I am not interested such pleasures.
Interviewer: Your reward, then?
el-Zarwarti: 72 sturgeon. Fresh caught.
Interviewer: Done. Next man.