Scumwood Barmaid Bankrupts Benefits Agency
A part-time barmaid and career welfare cheat was today convicted of multiple counts of benefit fraud. Bronmai Lawson was given a 12 month suspended prison sentence and ordered to perform 150 hours of unpaid Community Service duty as a ‘pavement…
Celebrity Egocentric Obviously Jailed for Assault
One of the UK’s legion of shit-for-brains overpaid Premier League footballers broke a woman’s nose with a single head butt after declaring, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m an effin’ millionaire”, a jury sitting at Smegmadale Assizes heard in…
“Screw Everyone But Me” to Replace “In God We Trust” on Dollar Bill
Washington, DC: Congressional leaders from both parties shared praise for each other today on the announcement of the official change of the national motto. “In God We Trust,” has been the official motto of the United States since the 1950’s,…
The Bank Raid that Rocked the Met’
A horror story that has it’s Kafkaesque–Orwellian origins rooted in the date of 2nd June 2008, has now come – a year and a half later – a haunting full-circle from when more than 500 of the Met’s finest plods…
School Brands Five-Year Old Racist Pig
Let me tell you about Oriole Jaffacake. He’s a very bright five-year old child and comes from a nice home. Oriole is extremely polite, courteous and a normal healthy boy in both mind and body – and has a friend…
Google to Nationally Publish News Free
MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. — In a publishing quadruple-whammo punch, Google today announced that it effectively had taken control of the major news corporations in the US not owned by either The New York Times or Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp. —…
Phillies Fan Flogs Golly for Tickets
An American woman charged with offering sex in exchange for World Series baseball tickets maintains she has committed no crime nor done anything wrong by flogging her golly on the internet. “I’m not embarrassed about my actions but I’m effin’…
Guilty Verdict for Chavette Cat Killer
A 16-year-old Camberwell chavette has been ordered to perform 200 hours of community service work for the crew of HMS Belfast after being found guilty of drowning a cat which lived on the battleship. The teenager, Chantelle McSlag, who can’t…
10th Body Unearthed in Gosselin Basement
Authorities are now searching for the murder weapon(s), believed to be incessant nagging and/or ill-advised hair plugs.
Editor at Washington Post Claims “Charticle” is Last Straw
All hell broke loose over at the Washington Post last Friday when features editor, Henry Allen, shoved and punched one of the Post’s Style writers, who called him a very naughty name that rhymes with rockpucker. Allen was less than…