“Screw Everyone But Me” to Replace “In God We Trust” on Dollar Bill

Washington, DC: Congressional leaders from both parties shared praise for each other today on the announcement of the official change of the national motto. “In God We Trust,” has been the official motto of the United States since the 1950’s, when the Eisenhower Administration codified the century old saying on our currency into law. The current change was rushed through Congress this week as an amendment to the House health care bill, and is believed to have swayed several key Representatives to support the legislation.

“It’s long overdue,” said a spokesman for the Obama Administration. “I mean, seriously, when is the last time anyone in this country actually trusted in God? I mean, get a life! I think the new model accurately reflects what most Americans say and do in their lives today. In fact, the prevelence of the ‘screw everyone but me’ attitude played prominently in our campaign efforts last fall. And, today ‘screw everyone but me’ forms the ideological backbone of this Administration’s message since we have come into office. The American people understand that it is only through complete self absorption and the mindless pursuit of narcissistic materialism at the expense of others that this national will ever see change become a reality.”

“It’s nice to finally have a piece of legislation we can all agree on,” said House Minority Leader, John Boehner. “Things have been so contentious and stressful this year. I mean sometimes it seems like the only thing we can agree on is protecting the banks at the expense of the tax payer. If it wasn’t for that, I don’t know what we’d even talk about.” On a personal note, Boehner added, “Plus, this gives me a chance to stand up by the Speaker and talk to the press just like a real Congressman!”

House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, agreed with her Republican colleague’s sentiments, “I’m sure there are going to be a few fringe elements who object to the change in the motto. I mean, I’m sure there were a few Nazis who objected to throwing the Jews into the gas chambers. However, we cannot allow the hateful opinions of a few Nazi sympathizers to hold back the progress of the United States.” When asked if Constitutional concerns over “In God We Trust’s” possible violation of the Establishment Clause played any role in the decision, Pelosi replied, “What’s that?”

In a move endorsing the news motto, the Department of Homeland Security announced that anyone opposed to the change would be listed as a “potential terrorist” on all FBI databases and become subject to warrantless surveillance and wiretaps.

A DHS spokesperson told reporters, “It’s really just a symbolic move, since we treat just about everyone except Islamic extremists like terrorists already. More than anything, we are just trying to assure the American people that it they disagree with any decision of their government, it would probably be best to keep their mouths shut about it.”


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