Scumwood Barmaid Bankrupts Benefits Agency

A part-time barmaid and career welfare cheat was today convicted of multiple counts of benefit fraud.
Bronmai Lawson was given a 12 month suspended prison sentence and ordered to perform 150 hours of unpaid Community Service duty as a ‘pavement licker’ around her Scumwood Housing Estate.

The offender was further ordered to repay £24,000,000 fraudulently claimed for housing and council tax relief, and in disability benefits for her couch spud mutant husband Quasimodo – a former bell-ringer – over the past nine years.

According to reports in the local Sale & Altrincham Shitraker weekly newspaper Bronmai Lawson, aged 65, of Swindler’s Close, Timperley, was grassed up by local benefit fraud snitches after she was seen working in a Pound Stretcher store dressed as Witchie Poo and modelling their current line of occult scary products in the run-up to Halloween.

Manchester Crown Court Judge Wentworth Fuctifino refused to accept Lawson’s plea of ‘Justifiable Diddling’ and her defence statement of “Well, every other fucker and their dog’s on the fiddle – includin’ our own MP – so why can’t I claim a few bob extra too?”

Lawson’s benefit irregularities recently came under Department of Works & Pensions scrutiny after she submitted a claim for a £2,000 ‘disability access’ duck island – with gazebo – for her mobility-impaired mallard ‘Quackers’ – to be build in a non-existent back garden fish pond.

DWP investigators discovered Lawson was also claiming jobseekers allowance for herself while working as a part-time barmaid at the local Rampant Roebuck pub, and was a long-term employee – paid cash-in-hand – at the celebrity-cordon bleu Granny Clampett’s ‘Manky Manger’ chew n spew restaurant.

Lawson, who won the Altrincham Festival’s Miss Poison Dwarf award in 1976 – following her 32FF cup breast enhancement cosmetic surgery proceedure – was grassed up by neighbours pissed off with her boasts of regular lavish vacations at their luxury Greek mansion in the Aegean’s Scallie Islands.

Regular patrons at the Rampant Roebuck affectionately described the top-heavy Lawson as “all tits and nowt much else” – and “havin’ the personality of a landfill site and bein’ as much fun as chemotherapy.”

Lawson herself told the Fux News “I did it fer me shit-fer-brains lad Loopy Leighton ter pay off his drug debts cos he’d come home howlin’ “Mummy, Mummy, me Bench Hill drug supplier’s are gonna trash Dad’’s car wiv sledgehammers again if yer don’t pay ‘em a few hundred quid real quick like!”

Loopy Leighton, a product of copulating at the shallow end of the gene pool, is believed to be hiding out on the local Scrunts Field allotments – disguised as a Cabbage Patch doll.

Author: Rusty

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via