Aliens from the Planet Nibiru and also the Pliedes, Lyra and Draco star systems have been visiting Earth for Millenniums what horologists term ‘a very long time’ – according to Bulgarian scientist Prof. Gregor von Numpty – and what is more “They speak Bulgarian and adore eating Karvama – as they claim it tastes just like human flesh.” Continue Reading

A 95-year old Grandmother has answered the clarion of moral conscience’s call and is spearheading the campaign against a proposed supermarket being built atop the listed buildings of a historic English market town.

Fellatia Skank spit the proverbial dummy when informed of plans to build one of the ubiquitous Pukesbury’s Greedy Grocer supermarket outlets on the “historic” Scabbey Mill site, at Bishops Wankingham, near Scruntchester. Continue Reading

If one is to believe the latest Gospel being proclaimed from on high by Scottish academic and archaeologist Reverend ‘Gorbals Jack’ McTwattie, Jesus Christ came to Britain to further his education and help out his old pikey Uncle – Joseph of Arimathea – with his pioneering tin canning business. Continue Reading

The UK’s Big Brother think tanks at Chatham House and the Tavistock Institute have now – in their superior wisdom – ordained nursery-age children should be monitored for signs of Pavlovian brainwashing by Islamist extremists – according to a leaked police memo left in a trashcan at Hyde Park’s Whistleblower’s Corner – with copies being passed on to the Daily Snitch and the Grassers Gazette. Continue Reading

Rogue cyclists who flout the law while riding haphazardly along the gilded byways of London are to be re-classified as ‘domestic terrorists’ and fined by Westminster Council under plans to crackdown on called “Lycra louts” – with rumours abounding that the tussle-haired London Mayor tops the target list of ‘BMX Blackguards’.

It has not yet been decided how much the on-the-spot fines will be levied at, Continue Reading

The relatives of a 40-stone (254 kg) man from Scumerset informed a reporter for the Mass Graves Gazette that the undertaker had advised them the deceased’s body was too heavy for cremation.

Frank McGrunt, a 95-year old former meat pie taster with Gluttons Gourmet Foods, was pronounced DOA at Scumborough General Hospital last Tuesday afternoon following an attack of terminal flatulence which caused his colon to detonate through spontaneous combustion. Continue Reading

The draconian dipshit management of Monty Mamon’s Shopping Arcade at Skidrow-on-Sea have come under severe criticism due their inflexible ‘No Hoodies’ policy.

The rigid enforcement of the regulation resulted in a detail of psychopathic Albanian immigrant Gestapo wannabes – on hire from the local Renta-Thug security agency – accosting a troupe of nuns belonging to the St. Sappho of the Sacred Dildo Convent who happened to be visiting the arcade as part of their annual Christmas shopping excursion. Continue Reading

The UK Office of the Prime Minister today announced and welcomed the Army’s 1,000th recruit of the year – sixteen-year-old Private Angus Munt from Glasgow’s Pikey Park Sink or Swim Council Estate.

Conversely the winner of the ‘First Century’ Squaddies-in-Bodybags competition – with the death of the 100th British soldier to ‘cop his’ and get snuffed by Taliban Dan and his gang of Jihadi scallies in Afghanistan – went unannounced. Continue Reading

Conservative moderate Swiss voters turned out en masse to support a referendum proposal banning the building of any more Islamic minarets.

More than 75% of voters and 22 out of 26 cantons voted in favor of the ban – with the remaining 25% voting to deport the Muslims themselves.

The proposal had been put forward by the Swiss People’s Party (SVP), the largest in Parliament, Continue Reading

A man whose English great-great-great grandfather was murdered then marinated in a hickory sauce for two days before being barbequed and eaten by South Pacific cannibals has taken part in a unique reconciliation ritual on their home island.

In the 1830’s the Reverend Jonah Salmonella and his assistant Jeremiah E. Coli were the most famous brimstone and Hellfire Bible-bashing missionaries of the age – and too, joint founders of the Jesus Crust Church of Latter Day Bakers.
Continue Reading

Where can the good news feasibly begin when the Rainbow starts and ends in crocks of festering shite?

The UN’s Climate Conference in Copenhagen has been pre-cursed and already daubed a well-deserved full seven shades of corrupt and deceitful shit-brown hue since the recent – though timely – exposure of the purposeful manipulation and falsification of historical meteorological records and global warming data feloniously committed by greedy academics and Continue Reading

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas my true love sent to me
Twelve court subpoenas,
Eleven texts saying ‘ph*ck you’,
Ten bailiffs with repossession orders,
Nine blokes to cut the gas off,
Eight maids with paternity claims,
Seven photos of her toy boys, Continue Reading

Following a blitzkrieg pre-dawn raid on her rural Anchorage six bedroom igloo, involving ice picks, hot air guns and a flamethrower, a Homeland Security strike force this morning arrested failed Republican VP wannabe Sarah Palin on charges of subversion, domestic terrorism and several other acts of improbity and general wickedness – including sorcery – listed in the very small print of the Patriot Act.

While accurate details of her whereabouts are still unconfirmed at this time, Continue Reading

Former Khmer Rouge prison chief Douche Bagg today shocked the UN-funded war crimes tribunal by demanding to be released on the final day of his trial for crimes against humanity, shoplifting and double parking in a restricted zone.

The UN’s Chief Prosecutor, Mr. Fuk Yew Tu, told reporters that Douche’s demand had left him “shocked.” Continue Reading

The first annual general meeting of the self-styled Freegan’s Society was held this weekend amid the sprawling sand dunes at Scroungeford-on-Sea, culminating in a four-course banquet prepared from waste food that the local garbage tip’s rats and seagulls had disdained from touching.

Freegans Candida Muffitch and Wilf McScrunt celebrated their first year of living without cash and strictly off the government radar by staging a festival to highlight and publicise the novel alternative lifestyle of Freeconomics. Continue Reading

Sarah Brown’s Tweeter followers were baffled earlier this week when the Prime Monster’s long-suffering wife “twatted” a random set of letters that even caused cryptologists at the UK’s super secret Bletchley Park ‘el-int ‘ spy centre to scratch their heads in puzzled amazement and exclaim “WTF!?” Continue Reading