Science Nears Cure for Pat Robertson
Pat Robertson, the famed televangelist, remains hospitalized with mysterious needle-like pains that grow worse every time he mentions Haiti, earthquake or Voodoo. The medical world continues to be baffled by the odd pathology. Actor Hugh Laurie of the popular “House”…
Brittany Murphy Had Several More “Films” in the Works
HOLLYWOOD, CA — Brittany Murphy was a hardworking actress who was juggling multiple movie projects in the months leading up to her unexpected death, according to Hollywood sources. “This is truly a loss,” lamented Norgay Pfifflebother, an expert on homemade…
Pope: “You Go to War w/ Salvation Army You Have, Not Salvation Army You Want”
SAN ANTONIO, Texas — The Salvation Army was founded in 1865. Its first converts were alcoholics, heroin addicts, prostitutes and other “undesirables” unwelcome in polite Christian society. And for nearly 150 years, these undesirables have been running one of the…
Tiger Woods No Longer Wants Sex
Number One golfer Tiger Woods, and the doctors treating him for sex addiction, claim he has made a complete recovery and no longer has any desire for sex at all. Woods admitted himself into a sex rehab center in Hattiesburg,…
Democrats Declare 36-Month Hiatus to Bask in Waning Minutes of Glory
House Democrats, ostensibly “led” by Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid, have decided to sit out the rest of their lame-duck majority, citing “difficulty in passing any legislation at all,” now that minority Republicans have announced their determination to filibuster every…
Kevin Smith Silently Kicked Out of Ceasar’s Buffet
Patrick Kennedy Retires to Spend More Time on Facebook
PROVIDENCE, R.I. – Patrick Joseph Kennedy II, who has represented Rhode Island’s 1st congressional district since 1995, has announced that he will not seek reelection. Mr. Kennedy, 42, has wrestled with alcoholism, bipolar disorder, and drug abuse, both recreational and…
Scientists Discover Medical Link to SIDS — Not the Demon Lilith
After two decades of work, doctors and medical researchers in the United States believe they have evidence that abnormally low levels of serotonin — a chemical in the brain that helps control breathing during sleep — plays a pivotal role…
Rising Porn Star Admits to Using Performance-Enhancing Altoids
SAN FERNANDO, CA — Up-and-coming porn starlet Corrine Hard was rapidly becoming a household name until she received a summons to appear before a Congressional Grand Jury to testify about her alleged use of performance enhancing drugs.
Fat People Outraged at Having to Pay for Two Plane Seats
New York, NY Following the recent onslaught on fat people to pay for two seats for a one way, economy class flight, fat people all over the world have finally decided enough is enough with this anatomical discrimination. Trent Budgwood,…