Posted in Human Interest

Did SeaWorld Trainer Dawn Brancheau Commit Suicide?

ORLANDO, FL – As SeaWorld prepares to reintroduce its “Dancing with Killer Whales” program this weekend, rumors have begun rising, like tiny bubbles of blood to the surface of the water, regarding the mind set of orca trainer Dawn Brancheau,…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Did SeaWorld Trainer Dawn Brancheau Commit Suicide?
Posted in Crime

Lil’ Wayne Sentencing Postponed for Hemorrhoid Surgery

NEW YORK – Once again an attorney for Lil’ Wayne has requested a postponement of the rapscallion’s jail sentencing for gun possession. The sentencing had been scheduled originally for last month, but Judge Charles H. Solomon agreed to a request…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Lil’ Wayne Sentencing Postponed for Hemorrhoid Surgery
Posted in Politics

President Obama Set to Renew Inaugural Vow

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an effort to revive his flagging presidency, Barack Obama plans to renew his oath of office in a special bipartisan ceremony to be held at the Washington Monument early this spring. Falling somewhere between a full-blown…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! President Obama Set to Renew Inaugural Vow
Posted in Human Interest Talky Pictures

Kevin Smith Made to Purchase Two Seats at Sushi Bar

LOS ANGELES – The next time Kevin Smith visits If It Smells Like Fish, his favorite sushi bar in L.A., he will have to purchase two seats. According to a source close to Mr. Smith—or as close to him as…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Kevin Smith Made to Purchase Two Seats at Sushi Bar
Posted in Human Interest

PETA Wants Tilikum the Killer Whale Tried As a Dolphin

NORFOLK, Vir. – PETA has served notice to SeaWorld attorneys that it plans to file an amicus Delphinidae brief in a Florida district court on behalf of Tilikum, the so-called “killer whale,” who is suspected of drowning one of his…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! PETA Wants Tilikum the Killer Whale Tried As a Dolphin
Posted in Celebrity Gossip

Taylor Swift Opening a Chain of Anal Bleaching Salons

NASHVILLE – Country artist Taylor Swift, 20, announced to her fan site T-SWIFT.COM yesterday that she plans to open a chain of anal bleaching salons this summer. Ms. Swift, who turns her frequent two-month romances into popular songs, will cut…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Taylor Swift Opening a Chain of Anal Bleaching Salons
Posted in Human Interest

Michelle Obama Taps Barbie Doll for Anti-Obesity Campaign

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Barbie doll turned fifty-one recently, and First Lady Michelle Obama noted the occasion by announcing that Barbie would serve as the official spokesperson for the White House’s anti-childhood-obesity campaign. “If America’s young people looked more like…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Michelle Obama Taps Barbie Doll for Anti-Obesity Campaign
Posted in Politics

Patrick Kennedy Retires to Spend More Time on Facebook

PROVIDENCE, R.I. – Patrick Joseph Kennedy II, who has represented Rhode Island’s 1st congressional district since 1995, has announced that he will not seek reelection. Mr. Kennedy, 42, has wrestled with alcoholism, bipolar disorder, and drug abuse, both recreational and…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Patrick Kennedy Retires to Spend More Time on Facebook
Posted in Internets Tubes

Tila Tequila Shuts Down Her Twitter Account

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Reality television star Tila Tequila has canceled her Twitter account after telling her 309,980 followers that “Twitter is full of nothing but the most hateful devil worshippers, terrorists, racists, greeks, and fat people that I have ever…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Tila Tequila Shuts Down Her Twitter Account
Posted in Health Human Interest

Viagra Vision Loss Blamed in Senior Citizen Fire

EXTON, PA – A seventy-two-year-old man set fire to his apartment in the Sunrise Acres retirement facility last night after he had tried to light a candle but ignited the drapes instead. Gerald DeHaven told police he had taken Viagra…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Viagra Vision Loss Blamed in Senior Citizen Fire
Posted in Religionism

Jesus Puts Population of Heaven at 150, Tops

WEST CHESTER, PA. – The civilized world was gobsmacked yesterday by Jesus’ off-hand remark that there are roughly 150 people in heaven. That’s 1-to-the-5-plus-0, period, the population of septic fields like Armpit, New Mexico, and Chowder Falls, Wisconsin. If your…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Jesus Puts Population of Heaven at 150, Tops
Posted in Religionism

Pope Benedict XVI Declares War on Wet Dreams

VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI, who threatened condom users in Africa with excommunication last year, is now taking aim on wet dreams. In an encyclical entitled God Owns the Night the supreme pontiff warned Catholics that they “cannot seek…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Pope Benedict XVI Declares War on Wet Dreams
Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc

Wikipedia Reporting that J.D. Salinger Faked His Death

Iconic author J.D. Salinger is alive and well and resting comfortably on a cruise ship in the Caribbean, according to an Associated Content report. Mr. Salinger, 91, is thought to have returned to his first love, the sea, because he…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Wikipedia Reporting that J.D. Salinger Faked His Death
Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos

NuvaRing Rolls Out New Marketing Campaign; Bare is Better

WHITEHOUSE STATION, NJ – NuvaRing, the world’s largest round contraceptive device, has seen its image go pear shaped owing to a dungstorm of lawsuits filed on behalf of persons who have died or have been otherwise discommoded while using the…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! NuvaRing Rolls Out New Marketing Campaign; Bare is Better
Posted in Horoscopes

Horoscopes by Catman, Dude

Welcome once again to the astrological stylings of Catman, Dude—the only seer who is not afraid to ask, “How the hell am I supposed to know?” Mr. Dude is an award-winning prognosticator who is half-cat, half-human, and half-assed. The Dude’s…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Horoscopes by Catman, Dude
Posted in Science & Technologizzy

Al Gore Claims Credit for Inventing the Toilet Cam

BOSTON, Mass. – Former vice president Al Gore will tell the American Library Association’s (ALA) midwinter meeting here this weekend that he invented the toilet cam. In a draft copy of the vice president’s address that was leaked to Glossy…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Al Gore Claims Credit for Inventing the Toilet Cam
Posted in Human Interest

SpaghettiOs® Creator, Donald Goerke, Chokes to Death, Uh-Oh

CAMDEN, N.J. – Donald Goerke, the man who put the “Oh” in SpaghettiOs®, choked to death Sunday night while eating his customary bedtime snack of SpaghettiOs® and chocolate milk. He was eighty-three. Mr. Goerke joined the Campbell organization in 1955…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! SpaghettiOs® Creator, Donald Goerke, Chokes to Death, Uh-Oh
Posted in Music

Van Morrison Files for Bankruptcy Despite Not Being an American

DUBLIN – Irish singer and curmudgeon Van Morrison has filed for bankruptcy in Irish Bankruptcy Court, according to a notice published on his official website today. The famously gruff singer-songwriter informed his fans that he has debts of 652 million € and assets of only 40 million € yet he stopped short of accepting responsibility for his financial meltdown.

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Van Morrison Files for Bankruptcy Despite Not Being an American
Posted in Strange People War Zone

Dick Cheney Blasts Americans for Letting Terrorists Win

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Former Vice President Dick Cheney blamed Americans yesterday for “being in bed with” terrorists. “The people of this nation are as much to blame as their pusillanimous, light-skinned president for delivering the head of democracy to the…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Dick Cheney Blasts Americans for Letting Terrorists Win
Posted in Sports Scandals

McGwire Admits to Using Prayer to Gain Competitive Edge

NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — During a fifty-minute interview with Bob Costas on the MLB Network yesterday, former St. Louis Cardinals slugger Mark McGwire confessed tearfully that he had turned to prayer in order to treat injuries that had kept…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! McGwire Admits to Using Prayer to Gain Competitive Edge
Posted in Music

RIAA Wants Record Labels to Limit Home CD Use

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America) has fingered consumers who play CDs repeatedly as “the single greatest threat” to recording industry profits. The industry watchdog group is suggesting, therefore, that record labels take steps to limit…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! RIAA Wants Record Labels to Limit Home CD Use
Posted in Human Interest

Singles Kicked Off BeautifulPeople.com Launch PrettyFaces.com

BOSTON, Mass. – Singles who were kicked off the elite dating site BeautifulPeople.com, the self-proclaimed “sexiest website in the world,” are not taking their dismissal lying down. Many of the 5,000 people who were ruled off the site for porking…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Singles Kicked Off BeautifulPeople.com Launch PrettyFaces.com
Posted in Horoscopes

Horoscopes by Catman, Dude

Otherwise rational people often underestimate the power that certain gemstones, colors, and musical notes exert on their lives, especially the parts that haven’t occurred yet. Catman, Dude has addressed this problem in the past by plugging people into the associations…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Horoscopes by Catman, Dude
Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos

Zamfir Cell Phone Virus Threatens United States

Zamfir, the first in-the-wild mobile phone virus discovered in the United States, is set to wreak havoc on the lives of teen-agers, SUV drivers, and text-messaging office workers across the land. Appearing on Meet the Press yesterday, Verizon’s James Earl…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Zamfir Cell Phone Virus Threatens United States
Posted in Sportsfolk

NBA Installing Metal Detectors in All Locker Rooms

The National Basketball Association (NBA) moved quickly to minimize the presence of handguns in locker rooms around the league following an incident in the Washington Wizards locker room on Christmas Eve. Gilbert Arenas, the Wizards leading scorer, and Javaris Crittenton,…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! NBA Installing Metal Detectors in All Locker Rooms
Posted in Celebrity Gossip

Yin and Yang To Divorce, Cite Irreconcilable Differences

Yin and Yang, one of the world’s most beloved and recognizable couples, has filed for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences as the reason for their split.  “It happens,” said the dark-haired Ms. Yin. “After thousands of years couples just grow apart….

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Yin and Yang To Divorce, Cite Irreconcilable Differences
Posted in Health

Prostate Cancer Seen As Major Cause of Prostate Cancer Deaths

A major study conducted at the London Institute for Prostate Cancer has determined that men who are diagnosed with prostate cancer are nearly twenty-five times as likely to die from the disease as men who are prostate-cancer free. This conclusion…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Prostate Cancer Seen As Major Cause of Prostate Cancer Deaths
Posted in Technology

Obama Vows to Investigate Alarming Rise in GPS Malfunctions

President Barack Obama announced yesterday that he would ask the Department of Homeland Security to investigate an alarming rise in GPS malfunctions. Although he stopped short of suggesting a link between terrorists and the rash of travelers who wound up…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Obama Vows to Investigate Alarming Rise in GPS Malfunctions