Did SeaWorld Trainer Dawn Brancheau Commit Suicide?

ORLANDO, FL – As SeaWorld prepares to reintroduce its “Dancing with Killer Whales” program this weekend, rumors have begun rising, like tiny bubbles of blood to the surface of the water, regarding the mind set of orca trainer Dawn Brancheau, who died a public and agonizing death last week. Read more Did SeaWorld Trainer Dawn Brancheau Commit Suicide?

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Lil’ Wayne Sentencing Postponed for Hemorrhoid Surgery

NEW YORK – Once again an attorney for Lil’ Wayne has requested a postponement of the rapscallion’s jail sentencing for gun possession. The sentencing had been scheduled originally for last month, but Judge Charles H. Solomon agreed to a request for a postponement because Lil’ Wayne needed eight root canals and complex dental-implant work. This time the rapper is seeking three weeks’ grace before he begins serving a year in prison, because, his attorney revealed, he needs hemorrhoid surgery. Read more Lil’ Wayne Sentencing Postponed for Hemorrhoid Surgery

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President Obama Set to Renew Inaugural Vow

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an effort to revive his flagging presidency, Barack Obama plans to renew his oath of office in a special bipartisan ceremony to be held at the Washington Monument early this spring. Falling somewhere between a full-blown inaugural parade and a pander-to-the-base campaign rally, President Obama’s vow renewal is designed to assure the American public that he is not about to become the next Jimmy Carter. Read more President Obama Set to Renew Inaugural Vow

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Kevin Smith Made to Purchase Two Seats at Sushi Bar

LOS ANGELES – The next time Kevin Smith visits If It Smells Like Fish, his favorite sushi bar in L.A., he will have to purchase two seats. According to a source close to Mr. Smith—or as close to him as one can get—Benny Hanna, manager of the popular eatery, informed the mountainous director of the decision by e-mail yesterday. Read more Kevin Smith Made to Purchase Two Seats at Sushi Bar

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PETA Wants Tilikum the Killer Whale Tried As a Dolphin

NORFOLK, Vir. – PETA has served notice to SeaWorld attorneys that it plans to file an amicus Delphinidae brief in a Florida district court on behalf of Tilikum, the so-called “killer whale,” who is suspected of drowning one of his trainers while attempting to turn her into sashimi.

“Though killer whales, also known as orcas, are considered whales by most people, they are actually members of the Delphinidae (dolphin) family,” said PETA co-founder and president, Ingrid Newkirk. “Therefore, Tilikum deserves to be tried as a dolphin.” Read more PETA Wants Tilikum the Killer Whale Tried As a Dolphin

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Taylor Swift Opening a Chain of Anal Bleaching Salons

NASHVILLE – Country artist Taylor Swift, 20, announced to her fan site T-SWIFT.COM yesterday that she plans to open a chain of anal bleaching salons this summer. Ms. Swift, who turns her frequent two-month romances into popular songs, will cut the ribbon at the flagship Pucker Up bleaching salon in Los Angeles at a date to be announced later. Read more Taylor Swift Opening a Chain of Anal Bleaching Salons

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Michelle Obama Taps Barbie Doll for Anti-Obesity Campaign

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Barbie doll turned fifty-one recently, and First Lady Michelle Obama noted the occasion by announcing that Barbie would serve as the official spokesperson for the White House’s anti-childhood-obesity campaign.

“If America’s young people looked more like Barbie and Ken, and less like Jack and Kelly Osbourne,” said the first lady, “this country could get its butt in gear again.” Read more Michelle Obama Taps Barbie Doll for Anti-Obesity Campaign

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