Pat Robertson, the famed televangelist, remains hospitalized with mysterious needle-like pains that grow worse every time he mentions Haiti, earthquake or Voodoo. The medical world continues to be baffled by the odd pathology. Actor Hugh Laurie of the popular “House” series has been called in for consultation, and even he has given up after ordering tests for leprosy, elephantitis and Lyme’s disease.

On another front, researchers feel optimistic. Dr. Xiang Ju Li spoke to Glossy News reporters today at MIT. Speaking on condition of anonymity he said, “No, not that MIT! We’re Medical Institute of Tobago. If I had a dollar for every time… but about Pat Robertson? See, originally we all assumed he says this stuff cause he’s mean and nasty. When we started looking at the brain chemistry though, a totally different view emerged.”

Dr. Li went on to explain that in Robertson’s brain, an obscure protein is missing from areas associated with vocalization. “This looks like a real breakthrough. Our theory is this protein, Diregisflavotone, facilitates the brain’s ability to string words together and comprehend compound meanings. In Pat’s case, it seems he knows the meaning of individual words, but can’t understand how they modify one another. So he’s probably not mean really; his brain just doesn’t work correctly.”

Dr. Li, who will be portrayed by Harrison Ford in the movie expected in 2011, went on to say a cure for Robertson is very near. “Most of the hard work in these kinds of things is naming the disease. It was rough for a while, worst impasse I’ve ever seen. In the end though, ‘Patsheimer Syndrome’ won over ‘Galloping Stupids’ so the path looks clear now.”

Reached for comment, the ever ebullient 700 Club founder said, “Monkey slobber Satan Satan trombone!”