Dumb People Encouraged to Talk Less

Dumb People Encouraged to Talk Less

15 November 2005 02:51 - by Brian K. White

University of Washington researchers have been on the verge of a breakthrough in the study of “dumb people” since the initiation of the study in January, 1999. Researchers believe they can raise the intelligence of subjects by 10-12 points if they could just get them to stop talking, which as yet, they cannot.

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Posted in Human Interest, Society0 Comments

Satirist Struggles to Find New Olsen Twins Story

Satirist Struggles to Find New Olsen Twins Story

25 September 2005 06:02 - by Brian K. White

Springfield— Brian K. White, noted contemporary humorist and satirist has been struggling for weeks to find a new angle from which to mock Mary Kate and/or Ashley Olsen. “I’ve been read by millions,” explains White, “but I’ve been drawing a blank on those disappointing little trollops. I don’t think I’ve lost my edge, I just […]

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Internets Tubes0 Comments

Alien Adductions Reach Epidemic Proportions

Alien Adductions Reach Epidemic Proportions

04 May 2005 03:56 - by Brian K. White

NASA is growing irritated at incomplete missions fouled by meddling do-gooder aliens returning humans to earth prematurely in the name of stellar safety. Alien abductions have been fabled for centuries with festive highlights ranging from anal probing to impregnation, with very little in between. Alien adductions, conversely, have been documented with increasing frequency. This is […]

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Posted in Science0 Comments

Hot Soccer Uniforms Promise U.S. Interest in Tepid Sport

Hot Soccer Uniforms Promise U.S. Interest in Tepid Sport

16 April 2005 11:00 - by Brian K. White

Soccer, long considered the game of little girls and college athletes who can’t get scholarships for a “real sport” makes a lobby once more to break into the American market. This time it’s not aimed at corporate ownership or potential network affiliates, but rather straight to the fans. The STRAIGHT male fans, to be quite […]

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Posted in Sports, Sportsfolk0 Comments

Viagra Adopts White Rabbit as Jingle – “Feed Your Head”

Viagra Adopts White Rabbit as Jingle – “Feed Your Head”

14 April 2005 12:12 - by Brian K. White

Pfizer has released their newest series of commercials for the highly popular erectile dysfunction drug, Viagra. During a New York Yankees game last week Pfizer debuted their new commercial. The new advertising campaign abandons their previous approach of “Blue pill makes pappy happy,” in favor of their more direct demographic approach.

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Health, Strange People0 Comments

Barry Bonds Thanks Media for Knee Injury

Barry Bonds Thanks Media for Knee Injury

09 April 2005 07:15 - by Brian K. White

After three knee surgeries in three months, noted steroidphile Barry “Shut the F Up” Bonds has accosted the gritty media for their obvious causal role in creating his physical injury.

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Posted in Crime, Sportsfolk0 Comments

J-Lo’s Ass to Secede From the Union

J-Lo’s Ass to Secede From the Union

30 March 2005 09:02 - by Brian K. White

After months of inflationary pressure and exterior expansion, sources close to J-Lo’s ass are reporting the beefy rump intends to secede from the main body of Ms. Lopez.

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Posted in Music, Politics0 Comments

NAACP Resents NCAA Confusion

NAACP Resents NCAA Confusion

27 March 2005 05:00 - by Brian K. White

In a public statement issued Thursday the Washington DC chapter of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People formally renounced any mistaken identity associated with the National College Athletics Association, despite their many similarities.

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Posted in Sports Scandals0 Comments

Aniston & Pitt Split, Fan Masturbation Hits New High

Aniston & Pitt Split, Fan Masturbation Hits New High

11 January 2005 03:47 - by Brian K. White

Hollywood – Brad Pitt has aknowleged that his “seven years in T’Bitch” has officially ended. With both Pitt and his A-list ex-wife, Jennifer Aniston back on the dating scene, surveys have shown that instances of fan masturbation are reaching new highs, indeed, bordering on epidemic.

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Television0 Comments

Culkin So High, Didn’t Know He Was in Oklahoma

Culkin So High, Didn’t Know He Was in Oklahoma

20 September 2004 02:11 - by Brian K. White

Macaulay Culkin, long the idol of Jacksonian worship, has reached new highs in his career and physiology this week with his drug arrest in, of all places, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Culkin made no comment about his star-turned-felon status which put him in the illustrious company of OJ, Zsa-Zsa and Kimberly from Diff’rent Strokes.

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Crime0 Comments

Coca-Cola Deploys 5,000 Troops to Somalia

Coca-Cola Deploys 5,000 Troops to Somalia

09 July 2004 02:27 - by Brian K. White

Coca-Cola was forced to withdraw their 8,000 peacekeeping troops from Somalia when war broke out in 1989. The civil scene has since subsided and civilians, long thirsty for caffeinated cola, seem eager to embrace the armed forces being provided by Coca-Cola.

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Posted in Biz News, World News0 Comments

Tattoo Fails to be Even Remotely Sexy

Tattoo Fails to be Even Remotely Sexy

15 March 2004 08:02 - by Brian K. White

Jerri-Anne Thomas is a newly divorced, middle-aged, portly housewife who has been working hard to express the hunger of her acute onset mid-life crisis. When her sexually liberated spinster friend got a new tattoo hailed as sexy by a variety of fellow bar-goers, Jerri-Anne decided it was just the thing for her.

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Posted in Health, Human Interest0 Comments

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