Romney to Advertise New Lovelife Product

Former governor Mitt Romney may have lost the presidential election last November, but coming up short at the ballot box isn’t keeping him down—at least not in spirit.

According to breaking reports, Romney has been hired as a spokesperson to advertise the new lovelife product being marketed by Staples called “Leather Binders for Women.”

A publicity video released to the press on Sunday shows the Massachusetts native addressing viewers with the following message:

“If you’re like me, you hate how women only seem to receive nocturnal satisfaction from their husband 53 percent of the time. With Staples’ new Leather Binders product, you can keep your lover tied down as long as necessary, allowing the action to continue unbridled…well, from your perspective anyway.”

Prerelease reviews of the product have been mixed. Currently the pool of ratings on the Staples website is greatly divided, with 51 percent giving 1-star ratings and 47 percent offering 5-stars. A third group of reviewers with Ron Paul avatars are boycotting the product, which they call “A poisonous attempt by the feds to enforce submission and dominance by violating the Constitution.”

Speaking to the press under the promise of anonymity, one White House insider suggested President Obama is struggling to accept his profound interest in the product, which he admits “Would make my nightly Executive Orders to Michelle that much more executive.”

The binders will go on sale at the beginning of February with a MSRP of $47.

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2 comments on “Romney to Advertise New Lovelife Product

  1. Did you see the way Ann Romney turned down an invite to Dancing with the Stars? She certainly doesn't need the money and she is just DONE with the limelight. She wanted to be 1st lady, not 8th runner up on a mediocre TV show… Mitt on the other hand, well we'll just have to wait and see what his legacy is.

  2. I’m just glad this sickening sack of crap is gone from the world stage. He was an embarrassment to republicans, to Mormons and to conservatives. May he rot in hell, or just on earth. Don’t care.

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