Lew’s Treasury Secretary Position Secured, Economy Not
Local Grandma Thinks Rest of Family Should Know That Janice from 3 Doors Down Undergoing Bowel Operation
INDIANAPOLIS – Systematically phoning every adult member of her immediate family Monday, 91-year-old local grandma Eileen Calderwood thought that everyone should know that Janice from three doors down is going in for her bowel operation this Friday. Insisting that her…
Drones kill more people with fewer casualties
U.S. Senator Lindsey Graham, who is a member of the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence, revealed to a North Carolina Rotary Club last Thursday that CIA drones had achieved 4700 targeted assassinations (to use the Israeli term), mostly in the…
Piece of Folded Card Irreversibly Strengthens Bond Between Wife, Husband
INDIANAPOLIS – Sources reported Thursday that a single piece of folded card – the same paper stock used to package cereal and Lean Cuisine frozen meals -irreversibly strengthened the loving bond between local woman Nancy Hargis and her husband Matthew….
Token Black Guy Resigns from Film Production
Citing disagreements with producers over his designated point of death in the runtime, a token black guy has left his latest film production. Reports suggest Marlon Tyrone broke with the production crew of “Attack of the Libertarian Zombies” after getting…
Conductor Unveils “Reduced Fat Orchestra”
NEW YORK CITY – A conductor is drawing wide attention for his decision to present a “Reduced Fat Orchestra” to future audiences. Tomasso Fillipo Rivelli, 32, came to the conclusion after getting word that Congressman Paul Ryan’s “Path to Prosperity”…
Aliens Discover “Satire” through Articles on Obama–Mistake it for Hero Worship
Five thousand years into the future, an intelligent extra-terrestrial species called The Collective uncovered a solitary data storage chip amongst the rubble once known as Earth and took it back to their ship for examination. Though initially puzzled by the…
Local Angler Suddenly Better Than Long-time Fishing Buddies
Florida native and longtime saltwater angler, Clayton Moore, announced to friends this afternoon that, due to his recent purchase of a fly rod, he is now a better fisherman than they are. “I’ve suspected it for a while but when…
NRA Takes Battle to New Level; Buys Death Star
The NRA has upped its political game with the acquisition of the Death Star made famous from the Star Wars movie franchise. Thought to have been totally destroyed following a second massive attack by impudent rebel forces in the third…