“Yoga Pants in Public” Innovator to Receive Congressional Medal of Freedom

In one of the first truly bipartisan initiatives in recent memory, the 113th US Congress voted overwhelmingly this morning to award the innovator of the “yoga pants in public” women’s fashion trend with the nation’s highest civilian honor, the Congressional Medal of Freedom.

Yoga pants left the gym in early 2012 and emerged as an everyday fashion item. The skin-tight garments can be seen from the supermarket to the runway and are especially popular on college campuses. Read more “Yoga Pants in Public” Innovator to Receive Congressional Medal of Freedom

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Tatooine Womp Rat Believed Extinct

Officials with the Tatooine Department of Wildlife announced today that the long imperiled womp rat is believed to be extinct in the wild. At not much bigger than two meters, womp rat numbers declined steadily since human settlement, mostly due to habitat loss as native desert was converted to moisture farms.

But it was the local practice of “bulls-eyeing” that finally pushed the species over the brink. Read more Tatooine Womp Rat Believed Extinct

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Catholic Priests Terrorize Italy’s Youth

Terror in Italy this morning as hundreds of Catholic priests descend upon the Vatican. Italian Mister of Defense Giampaolo di Paola has imposed a strict curfew and parents are being encouraged to keep their children indoors until the threat has passed.

Authorities are uncertain of the cause of the sudden swarm of holy men but it appears to have something to do with replacing their recently deposed leader. Read more Catholic Priests Terrorize Italy’s Youth

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Nations Husbands “Only Watch Women’s Sports for Skimpy Outfits”

In a stunning turn around, a spokesman finally admitted that the nation’s husbands watch women’s sports “only for the skimpy outfits.”

The statement comes as a shock from the group who has maintained a hardline “for the love of sport” stance for decades. The list of sports men watch only to ogle its participants included tennis, volleyball, gymnastics, and a surprising late addition, basketball. Read more Nations Husbands “Only Watch Women’s Sports for Skimpy Outfits”

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Local Angler Suddenly Better Than Long-time Fishing Buddies

Florida native and longtime saltwater angler, Clayton Moore, announced to friends this afternoon that, due to his recent purchase of a fly rod, he is now a better fisherman than they are.

“I’ve suspected it for a while but when I bought that fly rod it just hit me. I am without a doubt a superior angler to anyone that uses conventional tackle.” Read more Local Angler Suddenly Better Than Long-time Fishing Buddies

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Palin Proposes Bridge Over Fiscal Cliff

Political pundit and former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin held a press conference this morning to propose the construction of a bridge “assuring Americans safe passage over the fiscal cliff”.

“I’m tired of Washington insiders debating the dangers of this cliff and then not doing anything about it. The American people deserved better than a Willie Coyote scenario.” Palin stated, referencing her favorite cartoon character’s well documented battles with gravity. Read more Palin Proposes Bridge Over Fiscal Cliff

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Study Reveals Disturbing Levels of Inbreeding Among Santa’s Elves

A new study published today in The Journal of Humanoid Genetics reveals high levels of inbreeding among Santa’s famous toy making elves.

Analysis of DNA microsatellites obtained from blood samples taken from several hundred randomly chosen North Pole elves resulted in an estimated coefficient of relationship of approximately 14%. First cousins, for comparison, have a coefficient of relationship of 12.5%. Read more Study Reveals Disturbing Levels of Inbreeding Among Santa’s Elves

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Scientists Declare 3,000 YO Andean Mummy “Total Hottie”

Researchers from Oregon State University announced that virtual facial reconstruction of a 3,000 year old Andean mummy revealed, “She was totally hot”.

Using the latest in digital imaging technology, “the team has concluded that she was at least an 8, maybe even a 9” the lead archeologist on the project, Dr. Brian Bryant announced this morning. “The findings are particularly surprising given that most mummies are lucky if they’re a 5, maybe a 6, tops.” Read more Scientists Declare 3,000 YO Andean Mummy “Total Hottie”

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