INDIANAPOLIS – Systematically phoning every adult member of her immediate family Monday, 91-year-old local grandma Eileen Calderwood thought that everyone should know that Janice from three doors down is going in for her bowel operation this Friday.

Insisting that her neighbor, with whom Calderwood’s family are only vaguely familiar, has appeared “very pale recently,” Calderwood openly speculated that “it might be cancer.”

“Janice has not been the same since she lost Albert,” Calderwood told her utterly disinterested son, Michael. “First she went in for a colonoscopy a few weeks ago and now the doctors want to remove a mysterious growth from her bowels.”

“She’s only seventy-four,” she continued.

Ensuring that her daughters Margaret and Elise were sufficiently kept up to speed, Calderwood concurrently informed them that, if they wanted to send flowers, Eileen likes white lilies.

“I think she’d like that,” Calderwood told her eldest daughter, utterly unaware that the 57-year-old was otherwise occupied filling out a crossword. “She’s always liked white lilies.”

Meanwhile, despite interacting with 11 separate family members throughout the day, Calderwood neglected to mention that Larry from the last nursing home died at the weekend.