Categorized | Sports Events, Sportsfolk

49ers PR Office Readies for Mass Suicide Sunday Night

49ers PR Office Readies for Mass Suicide Sunday Night

The San Francisco 49ers had a terrible 12-4 season, but this Sunday they face the Seattle Seahawks with a stunning 13-3 regular season record. Facing certain defeat, 49ers fans are widely expected to commit mass, ritual suicide.

The Seahawks have the best defense in the league, and have been favored over the 49ers by 3-9 points/game this regular and post-season, but even losing inside the spread is unlikely to sate the bloodlust for sacrifice to make for a better team next season.

“We’re not expecting a riot following the game,” said Seattle Police Department spokesman Gil Jacobson. “But we are prepared for some out-of-towners [49ers fans] to be taking their lives at any number of our many fine hotels located just blocks from the stadium.”

Many 49er fans have decided the best way to find ultimate success with their team would be by turning misfortune into literal fortune in the future by wagering against them. Because of this sportsbook review sites like are also seeing a spike of public interest.

49ers fans have already denounced this article as premature, offensive and insensitive, but I don’t live in California, and the wreaths laid on my doorstep each morning from Seahawks fans more than makes up for it.

Sorry, San Francisco. While I love your sourdough, you can’t beat the 12th man, and Seattle has the loudest fans in the sport, and you can’t discount that home field advantage.


This post was written by

- who has written 279 posts on

Dexter Sinistri is a famously centrist writer who has worked as a Hollywood correspondent for a number of leading publications since 2005. Though once a photographer, Mr. Sinistri struck out as a writer on all things celebrity, and he likes to consider himself a tremendous asset to Glossy News, though by most accounts, he has fallen somewhat short of this effort.


11 Responses to “49ers PR Office Readies for Mass Suicide Sunday Night”

  1. rfreed says:

    Speaking of legalized pot- it sounds from this article that someone up in the rainforest state has been smoking too much themselves.

    Hey, how do your guys even run on the fields up there? You got so much rain even the AstroTurf has mold!

    How does the coach get anyone inspired enough to win games in the land where the main expression is ‘whatever, dude’?

    In the Seattle stadium they don’t need to shoot off fireworks when their team wins- they just play the sound effects and everyone imagines them.

    Is it true your blockers get beefed up by soaking in more rain than by having a high protein diet?

    Just be thankful the Packers were knocked out of it!

  2. kilroy says:

    Do not speak of The Packers, rfreed. It’s still too soon.

  3. P. Beckert says:

    I heard they made one of those candy commercials about the Packers. They gave the guy a piece of fudge…budumpbump.

  4. rfreed says:


    People have been known to die mysteriously and horribly from bad mouthing the Packers.

    Notice that there hasn’t been anything in the news about Brett Favre lately?

    That is because they sent him back to Mississippi where he is from.
    And part to Florida, and part to Alabama, and…..

    Mostly the agonizing demise comes from eating the ‘wrong’ cheese or drinking the ‘wrong’ milk…..accidentally……

    Am I getting across?

  5. P. Beckert says:

    What are you trying to say Freed? Are we beating a dead horse?

  6. kilroy says:

    Brett Favre hasn’t exactly disappeared, rfreed.
    I hear he’s been sending some inappropriate text photos from an undisclosed location in the swamps.

  7. rfreed says:

    Guess which part of him is sending the photos………

  8. Brian K. White says:

    Okey dokey, freed. I await your recipe for how it is, exactly, one prepares their crow before they eat it.

    Hawks favored by 3, won by 6. Beat the spread on a hard fought game. They never “got lucky”, they earned this win.

    Did I mention I’m not really even a sport fan?

  9. rfreed says:


    Just for that you get a satire on what would have happened if the Packers had played the Seahawks.

    The gloves are off now!

  10. Kilroy says:

    Ah, The Packers. There’s always…next decade.

  11. rfreed says:

    Die a slow, mean death, Kilroy……..


Leave a Reply

We are also looking for a satire editor
and a Clever Photoshop Guru...
We Made a Movie!

Check us out on Kickstarter!

Glossy News Exclusive Exposés

-- (SEE ALL Videos) --

Glossy News Fake Commercials!

More Great Satire:

Check out links to even more of our friends...
Want to see Your Link Here?

All of Our Categories:

Top Stories - Top Stories; Politics - Top Stories; Serious Commentary - Top Stories; World News - Top Stories; Biz News - Top Stories; War Zone | Horoscopes
Entertainment - Entertainment; Celebrity Gossip - Entertainment; Television - Entertainment; Music - Entertainment; Internet Tubes - Entertainment; Books, Newspapers & Misc - Entertainment; Movies
Society - Society; Health - Society; Crime - Society; Travel - Society; Crooked Cops - Society; Education - Society; Strange People - Society; Religionism - Society; Human Interest - Society; Kidz Zone
Science and Technology - Science and Technology; Science - Science and Technology; Technology - Science and Technology; Gadgets & Gizmos - Science and Technology; Environment
Sports - Sports; Scandals - Sports; Athletes - Sports; Events | All the Rest - News in Your Briefs - Making Headlines - Opinion/Editorial