Archive | Sports Events

Cowardly Lion Refuses to Return Medal Following Steroid Accusation

Cowardly Lion Refuses to Return Medal Following Steroid Accusation

(AP-OZ)–The Cowardly Lion, who gained worldwide fame for a rescuing a Kansas teen from The Wicked Witch, has allegedly tested positive for anabolic steroids and a Human Growth Hormone known as LGH.

A spokesman for the Wizard of Oz told the press, “The Cowardly Lion had large amounts of anabolic steroids in urine and blood samples taken shortly after the metal was awarded, as well as a substance that may or may not be catnip.”

The Wizard’s spokesman only demanded the Cowardly Lion return his medal for courage, but there are also calls for others on the rescue team to return their awards as well. While samples from the Scarecrow and the Tin Man came back “clean”, others suggest the entire team had an unfair advantage as a result of the Lion’s steroid use. Continue Reading

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Report: Team USA Outsourcing 30% of Its Medals to China

Report: Team USA Outsourcing 30% of Its Medals to China

LONDON – Reaching a mutual agreement with overseas executives Tuesday, The United States Olympic Committee has thrashed out a deal that will see 30% of Team USA’s Olympic medals outsourced to China.

The deal was first brought into the public eye after reports that Team China had themselves landed gold medals in the women’s 48kg and 58kg weightlifting events, and later in two diving events, which were once dominated by the USA. Continue Reading

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Local Man Seems Just A Little Too Into Archery

Local Man Seems Just A Little Too Into Archery

INDIANAPOLIS – Sitting down with his family to watch the opening rounds of the Olympic Games Friday, Indianapolis resident Damien Fenhurst was just a little too into archery, say sources.

Displaying an inordinate degree of interest in the skill and craftsmanship of the competitors on show, the 39-year-old was seen staring intently at the television screen, Continue Reading

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Posted in News In Your Briefs, Sports Events2 Comments

Top 16 Olympic Games We Wish We Could See

Top 16 Olympic Games We Wish We Could See

With the 2012 Olympics well under way, we can only dream of the myriad sports that have been excluded. I’m not talking about Yoga or Calvinball, but some of the other unseen greats. Here are just a few of our yet-to-be-seen future favorites.

Wedding Cake Smashing

Not because I have been jilted or anything, just because there is something so elegant Continue Reading

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Queen Tweets Her Way through the Opening Ceremonies

Queen Tweets Her Way through the Opening Ceremonies

LONDON–Through a little investigative journalism here and a little bribe there, Iron E-News was able to obtain the royal jewel of news: The Queen’s Tweets.

Unbeknownst to most of the world, her majesty has a secret Twitter account and, since 2009, has become an avid contributor under the codename Intrnt Hpstr.

We have the exclusive and complete list of tweets and are very happy to share them with you: Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Sports Events5 Comments

Copyright Take-Down: Mount Olympus Forced to Change its Name in Honor of London 2012

Copyright Take-Down: Mount Olympus Forced to Change its Name in Honor of London 2012

LONDON–The International Olympic Committee announced its plans yesterday to change the name of the historic site of the gods, previously known as Mount Olympus, to Mount Samsung in honor of the upcoming Olympic Games.

Other famous names that have come under scrutiny are Nike (the Winged Victory statue will now be called Adidas) and God (who can now only be referred to as The Alpha because of Omega watches). Continue Reading

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Olympics Security Downgraded to Single Horse

Olympics Security Downgraded to Single Horse

LONDON, UK – The British Home Office has revealed that, owing to a contractual oversight, the security force for the 2012 Olympics – which opens in London this Friday – has been downgraded to a single horse called Shadow.

It had initially been agreed between the London 2012 Organizing Committee and security firm G4S that over 10,000 guards would be provided for the duration of the Games. Continue Reading

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Opening Ceremonies to Switch to ‘Hunger Games’ Format

Opening Ceremonies to Switch to ‘Hunger Games’ Format

LONDON – The International Olympic Committee (IOC) today announced plans to dramatically alter the usual format of the Opening Ceremonies, moving away from the traditional vibe of peace and goodwill and opting instead for a Hunger Games-style fight to the death.

The committee responsible for organizing the Opening Ceremonies, which will be held this upcoming Friday, claims the move was made to attract viewers and boost ratings. Continue Reading

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Tally Ho: Preview of the London 2012 Summer Olympics

Tally Ho: Preview of the London 2012 Summer Olympics

LONDON ENGLAND27 July, 2012 – Reuters Newswire The 2012 London Summer Games have officially begun. The breathtakingly beautiful new venue known as London Olympic Stadium (scheduled to be completed just in time for the 2016 Summer Games in Rio) was the site of an exhilarating opening ceremonies. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Sports Events1 Comment

Behind The Scenes At The 2012 London Summer Olympics

Behind The Scenes At The 2012 London Summer Olympics

SCENE: London General Hospital
TIME: The 2012 Summer Olympic Games

The emergency telephone rings.

Nurse: London General.

Voice on phone: Ambulance 253 here! We’re bringing in a code 5. Six patients in all. Continue Reading

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IOC Announces Compulsory Drug Use for London Olympics

IOC Announces Compulsory Drug Use for London Olympics

After decades of what could only be described as a tail-chasing nightmare of anabolic proportions, International Olympic Committee president Jaques Rogge has announced that this years London Olympics will involve compulsory performance enhancing drug use for all competitors. Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports Events, Sports Scandals1 Comment

Arena Football Eases Fans Qualms About Suffering an NFL Lockout

Arena Football Eases Fans Qualms About Suffering an NFL Lockout

Do you struggle to understand the meaning of life? Worried your bladder will explode while riding an elevator? Scratching an itchy ear with a paper clip (quite frankly, who hasn’t)? Then there’s an event happening nearby that’ll make your scalp tingle. It’s the 2011 Arena Football League (AFL) season. Continue Reading

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