Archive | Sports

Andrew Luck Relishing Challenge of Outgrowing the Colts

Andrew Luck Relishing Challenge of Outgrowing the Colts

INDIANAPOLIS – Speaking ahead of Sunday’s game against the Jacksonville Jaguars, prospective new quarterback Andrew Luck insisted he is really enjoying the challenge of following in the footsteps of Peyton Manning and to one day outgrow The Indianapolis Colts.

Saying that he hopes to “fully develop his game” under coach Chuck Pagano so that he can make a big-money move away to “someone like the New York Giants” later on down the road, Luck invited NFL scouts to “come and see me play.” Continue Reading

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Replacement Refs Replace Rules of Football

Replacement Refs Replace Rules of Football

NEW YORK- Replacement referees, locked out referees, and team owners sat down on Monday to discuss disagreements that have arose over the first three weeks of the season. Sunday’s schedule was an outstanding example of just how creative the liberties were taken by the game officials.

The original referees are locked out after disputes over retirement plans and increased pay, the NFL has replaced them with less experienced referees, whom may have never seen a football before being employed by the NFL.

NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, explained in a press conference, “I like the out-of-the-box thinking used by some of our new officials. They also came at a good price.” Continue Reading

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NFL Addresses Fan Discontent by Hiring Replacement Refs from Foot Locker

NFL Addresses Fan Discontent by Hiring Replacement Refs from Foot Locker

The National Football League is taking decisive action in response to complaints about horrendously bad officiating by the replacement referees, who were brought in due to the lockout of referees by the league.

The move is the culmination of events precipitated by perhaps the worst missed call in NFL history. In this week’s Monday Night Football contest between the Seattle Seahawks and visiting Green Bay Packers, a Green Bay Packer defender intercepted a pass in the end zone as the game clock expired but the referee called it a touchdown. Continue Reading

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Was Romney’s Horse on Steroids at the London Olympics?

Was Romney’s Horse on Steroids at the London Olympics?

It’s now less than two months until the 2012 presidential election. The field of candidates has been whittled down to the Final 13. The short list includes several impressive independent candidates, like Robert Burck, better known to New Yorkers as the Naked Cowboy, Brian J. Moran of Texas, who, as best as anyone can tell, is the only candidate running this year on the Jedi party ticket, and Vermin Supreme, whose boldly fresh platform calls for an end to gingivitis and more investment in time travel research.

Vermin also courageously promises a free pony for every American. (This is 100% true.)

Fortunately, to make it easier for the average American to decide for whom to cast their vote, our electoral system has given two candidates a slight edge in the race to the White House: incumbent Barack Obama and that other guy, whose name temporarily escapes me because of the complete dearth of political ads on his behalf – no wait a minute, it’s coming to me. Yes, Mitt Romney.

At the two recent political conventions, both candidates made promises they have no intention of keeping and scurrilous attacks about their opponent’s record. Both made bold claims about how they plan to save Medicare, reduce the debt, create more jobs and piss off China.

Reporters have been asking pointed questions about how their plans will impact global warming of the middle class, reduce defense spending on the elderly, and protect the right to tax gay marriage. But so far, no one has asked the candidates the important questions that undecided, marginally aware voters with the attention span of a gnat want answers to, like Who’s running for president this year anyway?

Here are a few critical questions uninformed votes are demanding the candidates address once and for all:

• For Governor Romney: Your wife’s mare Rafalca performed well at the dressage competition in the recent London Olympics. What type of performance-enhancing drugs did she use? Same question about Rafalca?

• For Obama: You brag about how your bailout saved the U.S. automotive industry. As a result, my neighbor’s teenage son owns a new Camaro. He likes to rev the engine insanely loud at 2am and he’s installed an obnoxious horn that blares some AC-DC song. When are you going to impound his car?

• For Romney: Why won’t you reveal your elementary school report cards? What are you hiding?

• For Obama: With the First Dog, Bo, you appear to prefer dogs. When will you come out and admit once and for all that you hate cats and anyone who is a cat owner?

• For Romney: How do you get your hair to look so perfect all the time, with that slight touch of grey? Very distinguished. Do you use Grecian Formula? And if so, is Greece paying you a kickback?

• For Obama: How do you plan to destroy Medicare? Will you replace all physicians with Kenyan witch doctors, as a leaflet I received from Karl Rove said? Or would you be at least willing to consider hiring American witch doctors, in the interest of job creation?

• For Romney: In choosing Paul Ryan to be your running mate, how much of a role did his brilliant work as a child actor playing the part of Eddie Munster factor into your decision?

• For Obama: When you took out Osama bin Laden, isn’t it a fact that you were mainly after his incredible stash of porn for your personal collection, as I heard on Rush Limbaugh?

• For Romney: Some people complain that you only care about the rich, that you’re out of touch with the needs of the middle-class working person. My question is this: Which of your six homes has the awesomest view: your oceanfront estate in La Jolla or your ski lodge in Park City, Utah?

• For Obama: Earlier this year, you came out in favor of gays. What is it about heterosexuals that you despise so much, and which gay celebrity would you rather sleep with, Neal Patrick Harris or Anderson Cooper?

• For Romney: Some people are concerned that you will reverse banking regulation reforms that were instituted as a result of the financial collapse of 2008. Given your business investment experience with Bain Capital, my question is this: Do you think Apple is over-priced or should I still buy?

• For Obama: You admitted to using pot and cocaine as a teenager. Will you submit to a urine test, right now? I’ll look the other way while you pee into this cup.

Regardless of the candidates’ answers to these questions, most marginally informed voters’ decision about who to vote for may come down to the candidates’ last names. Romney’s name, when you scramble the letters spells R-MONEY. But Obama’s name, when you scramble it (and misspell it), spells A BOMB A! It would appear that Romney wants to give Americans back R money. Obama just wants to blow us all up. Based on this compelling argument, uninformed voters are leaning 5 to 1 in favor of Romney.

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New Lakers Stars Learn How to Pass the Ball to Kobe

New Lakers Stars Learn How to Pass the Ball to Kobe

Los Angeles, California- As the Olympic hype dies down and the Lakers’ newest acquisitions begin training for the upcoming season, all players seem to be eager to learn how to pass the ball to Kobe.

The two biggest new comers to the roster are Steve Nash and Dwight Howard, who are the most energetic about giving Kobe the ball.

Speculation rose after the retirement of Head Coach Phil Jackson, whose decorated NBA coaching career stemmed from his ability to get the ball in the most talented player’s hands.

RIGHT: A photo. I really don’t follow basketball. (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

He successfully won six titles for Chicago by making sure Michael Jordan received the ball, and another five in Los Angeles by getting other members on the team to get the ball to Kobe Bryant.

Mike Brown, whose career depended on getting LeBron James the ball in Cleavland, was thought to have been the answer L.A. Was looking for, but after poor performance in the 2011 post-season, doubts remained.

“We just needed some more pieces to the puzzle. Some solid NBA stars that I know can triumphantly get Kobe the ball, and I think we found the right people for the job,” says Mike Brown at a recent press conference.

When asked about the training, Steve Nash explained, “this is the system I have been looking for. I’m a play maker and pretty sweet at soccer. I know a thing or two about passing.” He added, “I’m just glad to take all the shooting pressure off me. I’ve been promised so many times that I could just set up plays for a star scorer and collect a check, and now I can finally just be along for the ride.”

“I feel confident in Mike Brown’s system,” said newly acquired center Dwight Howard. “I feel like he can carry the Lakers torch like all of the other great Lakers coaches. It is a legacy that began with people passing the ball to Magic Johnson. Phil [Jackson] made sure Kobe got the ball, and now Mike Brown is using his patented “King James” offense, but instead, passing the ball to Kobe Bryant. I feel like this will be a good fit.”

Former coach Phil Jackson wrote in a press conference that the key to his success was making sure he had the right people in place to get the ball to Bryant. He expressed his approval for Mike Browns proven coaching methods and believes Brown has gotten a roster that can adequately get Bryant the ball.

Sports journalists all over the country have set the Internet ablaze with scathing criticisms of various organizations in the NBA for hoarding star players instead of focusing on one star player.

Most of the complaints center around lament of a bygone era where one dominant player rules the court. With various teams around the league stacking star players, it leaves some sports fans skeptical of weather or not the new Lakers’ set-up will be able to get Kobe Bryant the ball.

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Post-season Baseball Starts, If Any One Even Cares

Post-season Baseball Starts, If Any One Even Cares

Somewhere- The baseball post season is starting despite weak attendance and poor ratings. Team owners and players insist people still care, even with the lack of attention.

Some teams are playing in some places for the World Series. Recently, Major League Baseball executives ,assuming they knew what fans wanted, opened up the post-season so half of all MLB teams could compete for their shot at the pennant. Continue Reading

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Paralympians Are People Too

Paralympians Are People Too

Thanks to the Paralympics, disabled people are now being viewed as actual people, according to the worldwide media.

In hopes to change attitudes towards those with disabilities, the IOC, the International Olympic Committee, have decided to hold the Paralympics in London.

The head of the IOC, Count Jacques Rogge, said at a press conference that the Paralympics were being held to show that the disabled can do things that people could. Continue Reading

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Six Significant Sporting Bans for Lance Armstrong

Six Significant Sporting Bans for Lance Armstrong

Now that Lance Armstrong has been officially banned from “Sport” for life by the USADA, Glossynews with the help of WikiLeaks has uncovered associated bans in the fine print.

While Armstrong still maintains the USADA power to enforce the ban is as illegitimate as Snooki’s baby, he vows to cease resistance since it is obviously futile. Continue Reading

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NFL TV Rights Sold… Are You Twitter for Some Football?

NFL TV Rights Sold… Are You Twitter for Some Football?

In a move that surprised few, the broadcast rights for the 2013-2015 seasons of the National Football League (NFL) have been sold to a non-television entity. What was a surprise, however, is that the broadcast rights have been sold to Twitter.

“We think this is a natural progression,” said Twitter New Media developer Jacob Brittany with a smirk. “People only want the highlights anyway, so why not Twitter?” Continue Reading

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Crowd Accused of Lifting Mo Farah Over the Finish Line

Crowd Accused of Lifting Mo Farah Over the Finish Line

An appeal has been made to the IOC to strip British runner Mo Farah of his gold medal as accusations of cheating sore higher than the elation of the athlete.

Mo Farah became the first British athlete to win a gold medal in distance running but Ethopian 5000m silver medallist, Dejen Gebremeskel and Kenyan 5000m Bronze medallist, Thomas Pkemei Longosiwa have called into question the legitimate acquisition of the Olympic gold given that the 80,000 strong crowd was cheering Farah and not them. Continue Reading

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Caption Contest: Going Hard for the Bronze

Caption Contest: Going Hard for the Bronze

With the Olympics winding down, we have one last picture we need to really get out there.

And this one is a Caption Contest. Post your headline or caption for this story below and we’ll see who posts the best one.

Click the image at right to see it full-size… well, not FULL size, but… well, you know what we mean. Continue Reading

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Olympic Gold Medalist Mary Lou Retton Talks Leotards, Medals & Drugs

Olympic Gold Medalist Mary Lou Retton Talks Leotards, Medals & Drugs

This week, GlossyNews.com sat down with former gymnast and Olympic gold medalist, Mary Lou Retton to get her thoughts on a variety of issues ahead of the Olympics in London. Here’s how it all went down.

GLOSSYNEWS.COM: Welcome, Mary Lou. The image of you smiling with immense joy at the 1984 Olympics is indelibly etched in American Olympic folklore. Take us back to that day when you famously took the gold medal in the All-Around Gymnastics final. What was going through your mind?

RIGHT: Image courtesy of The Indy Tribune. (click to enlarge)

MARY LOU RETTON: I was trying to tune everything out, to focus on my upcoming vault. But I had the worst wedgie ever. Have you ever worn a leotard? It’s pretty hard to keep it out of your ass, especially when you’re flipping around and twisting and leaping through the air and whatnot. So there I was, 16 years old, with all those cameras on me. The whole world was watching to see if I would make history as the first American woman to take gold in the All-Arounds, and all I could think was, “How can I discretely pick my wedgie?”

GLOSSYNEWS.COM: But… but you seemed so happy at the time?

MARY LOU RETTON: Well, I added an extra twist to that first vault, and the wedgie worked its way out. I was very relieved.

GLOSSYNEWS.COM: So having overcome the wedgie and having landed not one, but two perfect vaults, you became the first American to win the Olympic title in the All-Around event. Where in the Retton household does the gold medal reside to this day? Katrina, in Fort Wayne posed that question on our Twitter page.

MARY LOU RETTON: I keep my medals in my underwear drawer. A lot of people are surprised to hear that, but really, ask any woman, we hide all our important stuff in our underwear drawer.

GLOSSYNEWS.COM: Perhaps I’d better change the subject. A lot has been made in recent years about the role of performance-enhancing drugs in the world of sport, particularly in Olympic sports. Have the IOC’s drug tests worked to eliminate illegal drug use, or do you think more can be done at the grassroots level?

MARY LOU RETTON: Every athlete should know how to pass a drug test. If you haven’t figured out how to get around those tests, then you don’t deserve to be competing at the Olympic level. That said, you don’t hear of too many gymnasts testing positive for illegal substances. We’re tiny, but we can crush your skull with our thighs, so no one at the IOC really wants to mess with us.

GLOSSYNEWS.COM: Now, at the height of your fame, you were voted Sports Illustrated’s Sportswoman of the Year and became the first official spokeswoman for Wheaties. A lot of young people getting their big break in televised sports have a lot of weight on their shoulders. What advice would you give to any up-and-coming athlete about handling the pressure?

MARY LOU RETTON: These kids know nothing about pressure. Try going on television in those leotards before Brazilians came into fashion, okay? That is pressure. These gymnasts have no idea how easy they have it.

GLOSSYNEWS.COM: And what about these days? Even though it is almost 28 years since your historic success in Los Angeles, you still remain a household name within the world of gymnastics. As a frequent commentator on indoor gymnastics, do you see a little bit of yourself in the gymnasts of today?

MARY LOU RETTON: No.

GLOSSYNEWS.COM: Mary Lou, thank you.

Article was co-written by Laurence Brown.

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Cowardly Lion Refuses to Return Medal Following Steroid Accusation

Cowardly Lion Refuses to Return Medal Following Steroid Accusation

(AP-OZ)–The Cowardly Lion, who gained worldwide fame for a rescuing a Kansas teen from The Wicked Witch, has allegedly tested positive for anabolic steroids and a Human Growth Hormone known as LGH.

A spokesman for the Wizard of Oz told the press, “The Cowardly Lion had large amounts of anabolic steroids in urine and blood samples taken shortly after the metal was awarded, as well as a substance that may or may not be catnip.”

The Wizard’s spokesman only demanded the Cowardly Lion return his medal for courage, but there are also calls for others on the rescue team to return their awards as well. While samples from the Scarecrow and the Tin Man came back “clean”, others suggest the entire team had an unfair advantage as a result of the Lion’s steroid use. Continue Reading

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Report: Team USA Outsourcing 30% of Its Medals to China

Report: Team USA Outsourcing 30% of Its Medals to China

LONDON – Reaching a mutual agreement with overseas executives Tuesday, The United States Olympic Committee has thrashed out a deal that will see 30% of Team USA’s Olympic medals outsourced to China.

The deal was first brought into the public eye after reports that Team China had themselves landed gold medals in the women’s 48kg and 58kg weightlifting events, and later in two diving events, which were once dominated by the USA. Continue Reading

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Local Man Seems Just A Little Too Into Archery

Local Man Seems Just A Little Too Into Archery

INDIANAPOLIS – Sitting down with his family to watch the opening rounds of the Olympic Games Friday, Indianapolis resident Damien Fenhurst was just a little too into archery, say sources.

Displaying an inordinate degree of interest in the skill and craftsmanship of the competitors on show, the 39-year-old was seen staring intently at the television screen, Continue Reading

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Top 16 Olympic Games We Wish We Could See

Top 16 Olympic Games We Wish We Could See

With the 2012 Olympics well under way, we can only dream of the myriad sports that have been excluded. I’m not talking about Yoga or Calvinball, but some of the other unseen greats. Here are just a few of our yet-to-be-seen future favorites.

Wedding Cake Smashing

Not because I have been jilted or anything, just because there is something so elegant Continue Reading

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