Elway-Manning for America 2012

Area man Peyton Manning had just gotten laid off from work. Within 48 hours, he knew what he had to do. He hopped on a plane and headed to Denver. John Elway, Broncos exec, was waiting for him.

“Sorry about your neck, fella,” John commiserated, in his signature Fred Thompson croak. With four surgeries to his neck, Peyton had been seriously laid up for the first time in his working life. The neck stuck him on the sideline with $23 million in workers comp. Now, used goods for the old boss, he was on the street. Read more Elway-Manning for America 2012

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Manning Joins Broncos, Tebow Converts to Paganism

DENVER, Colorado – “There is more than one God,” Tim Tebow said in awe after watching Peyton Manning complete yet another pass in practice. “There’s just no other explanation.”

The Broncos’ ex-quarterback, known less for his passing skills than for his prayer timeouts and his genuflections after any positive gain on offense, stood in astonishment as he watched the 4-time MVP award winner take his job away with casual throws to members of the practice squad. “God is not almighty,” Tebow explained, “He’s got nothing on Manning when They’re on the football field.” Read more Manning Joins Broncos, Tebow Converts to Paganism

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Random Pointlessness Takes the World by Storm

Denizens of the universe have apparently discovered a favorite new sport. Called “Random Pointlessness”, or RP for short, this sport involves a fair amount of hard work and sweat, but nothing remotely resembling intelligence.

Random Pointlessness was invented in Pennsylvania where it quickly surpassed football as the most boring thing to watch on television. Inevitably, RP’s unmatched lack of purpose caused it to quickly become the dominant staple of American entertainment. Read more Random Pointlessness Takes the World by Storm

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MMAs Dennis Hallman Explains Wearing Tight Speedos in UFC Fight

MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) fighter Dennis “Superman” Hallman caused quite a stir Saturday night when he walked into the UFC ring wearing a too-tight pair of Speedo trucks to take on opponent Brian Ebersole.

UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship) President Dana White claims later he was totally embarrassed watching the fight with, as he put it “Hallman’s junk practically in my face.” In fact, he was so offended that after Ebersole beat Hallman in the fight, White rewarded him (Ebersole) with a $70,000 bonus for “getting those horrific shorts out of the ring.” Read more MMAs Dennis Hallman Explains Wearing Tight Speedos in UFC Fight

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Rock Climbing- A Sport For The Daring And The Deranged

Rock Climbing: A Sport for the Daring And the Deranged – Part I

Life is not interesting enough for some people, so they come up with sports like rock climbing to compensate for it. Rock climbing is the sport where people (many of whom have not fully advanced on the scale of total human evolution, still possessing more of the simian attributes for climbing, not to mention they are hairy as hell) climb up rocks, ie. BIG rocks like MOUNTAINS) on skimpy ropes that resemble oversized clotheslines. Read more Rock Climbing- A Sport For The Daring And The Deranged

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Brett Favre Ready To Retire — Again

GREENBAY, WI (GlossyNews) — In a surprising and unexpected career move, Brett Favre officially announced today that he is retiring from fatherhood.

“Since I have returned to the game I love, my attention will be shifting away from my family and back to football,” Favre told reporters during a mandatory practice earlier today. Read more Brett Favre Ready To Retire — Again

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Pittsburgh Pirates “Sorry”; Promise to Stop Winning

Today, the front office of the Pittsburgh Pirates made a formal apology to Major League Baseball and all of its fans for having such a successful 2011 season so far.

“We’re ashamed to say that, this year, we haven’t done a good job sticking to our reputation of finishing in last place in the division,” manager Clint Hurdle said in a press conference. Read more Pittsburgh Pirates “Sorry”; Promise to Stop Winning

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Muscle Confusion Applies to the Brain as Well

Rep. Anthony Weiner decided to finally show off his results using P90X, the popular workout program that uses “muscle confusion” to go from regular to ripped in just 90 days.

Following in the the footsteps of fellow congressman Christopher Lee, who used the program himself to achieve amazing results, Rep. Weiner decided to take the plunge and use the revolutionary system of 12 sweat-inducing, muscle-pumping exercises to finally get the six-pack he’d always wanted. Read more Muscle Confusion Applies to the Brain as Well

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Weiner Says It’s Not His ‘Weener’

NEW YORK, NY. GlossyNews.com – Rep. Anthony Weiner has aroused more suspicion today by neither confirming nor denying that the crotch in question is his, and reiterated his opinion that the incident is, “a distraction, and nothing more than a silly prank by someone who probably goes by a name like Willy or Wang.”

The lewd photo, which was originally posted on the pecker sharing site yhorntoad.com, was sent via Mr. Weiner’s Twitter feed to a female 21 year old college student in Bellingham, WA. Read more Weiner Says It’s Not His ‘Weener’

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Brett Favre’s NFL Retirement Fuels Movie Rumors

When Brett Favre recently announced his retirement from football (again), speculation began almost immediately that he would finally be coaxed into making his long-anticipated return to Hollywood.

For years, fans and film critics have urged the multi-talented Favre to hang up his shoulder pads and concentrate on his blossoming acting career. But his fruitless pursuit of another Super Bowl ring delayed his transition from an aging NFL quarterback to an A-list movie actor. That is, until now. Read more Brett Favre’s NFL Retirement Fuels Movie Rumors

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Arena Football Eases Fans Qualms About Suffering an NFL Lockout

Do you struggle to understand the meaning of life? Worried your bladder will explode while riding an elevator? Scratching an itchy ear with a paper clip (quite frankly, who hasn’t)? Then there’s an event happening nearby that’ll make your scalp tingle. It’s the 2011 Arena Football League (AFL) season. Read more Arena Football Eases Fans Qualms About Suffering an NFL Lockout

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Lady Liberty Loses Innocence to Greedy Suitors

It was a heinous act; too vile and too great for our minds to even truly comprehend.

Lady Liberty, our much beloved symbol of America, was assaulted and callously violated today in an attack that has left the nation breathless with shock and disbelief. In a rape in which she was violated by those she had trusted and put confidence in, she was taken advantage of in ways that only lustful and disreputable minds could think of. Read more Lady Liberty Loses Innocence to Greedy Suitors

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The Official Guide To Almost Injury-Free Snowboarding

Despite the fact that you hate the cold, hate putting on piles of clothing and hate rocketing yourself off a mountain at the speed of sound because it could possibly kill you, you still have to look cool for your friends. Snowboarding is a great way to accomplish all that. So, if you must take up the sport, here are a few tips that may help you survive.

First you’ll need to get yourself a deathboar….uh snowboard. This is a layered fiberglass board that has been specially processed and curved to look super cool and get down a mountain super fast. Read more The Official Guide To Almost Injury-Free Snowboarding

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Professional Sport Career Allows Man to Enjoy Data Entry Hobby

Local man, Clive McNeish, revealed today how fortunate he feels being paid a reasonable annual salary for just two hours work a week as a professional squash player. This leaves a full 38 hours a week free for McNeish to indulge himself in his unusual hobby of data entry at Drudge Corp. Read more Professional Sport Career Allows Man to Enjoy Data Entry Hobby

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‘Nouveau Homeless’ Emerge as Travel to Super Bowl Sacked by Mother Nature

Thousands of Steelers and Packers fans found it almost impossible to get to Arlington, Texas for the Super Bowl game to be played on Sunday. Some are telling travel hell stories straight from the play books of the comedy film “Planes, Trains and Automobiles. One weary traveler stranded at Columbus International Airport Friday night was overheard telling his wife, “We’d have more luck playing pickup sticks with our butt-cheeks than we will getting a flight out of here before daybreak.” Read more ‘Nouveau Homeless’ Emerge as Travel to Super Bowl Sacked by Mother Nature

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Dwight Freeney Learning to Take the “Free” Out of His Name

Those who follow NFL apparently know who Dwight Freeney is, even if most of America, and the landlord on his recording studio, haven’t heard a peep from him. He’s being sued for $422,150 in back rent on the studio, a sum as absurd as the idea that he should have such a facility in the first place.

TMZ obtained a copy of the lawsuit. It alleges that Freeney agreed to pay $37,500 in monthly rent for two floors in the famous Edmonds Tower building in Hollywood. Read more Dwight Freeney Learning to Take the “Free” Out of His Name

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