Category: Sports
Clippers Owner Donald Sterling To Sell Team
At a press conference in Los Angeles this morning, Donald Sterling’s wife Roachelle claimed the NBA team would be sold in a matter of days. Sterling, 67, who changed his name from Tokowitz so his unique brand of bigotry and…
Donovan McNabb Cardboard Cutout Eludes Police
Mesa, Arizona – Only days after the real Donovan McNabb was detained by local police enforcement, a six-foot cardboard cutout of the former NFL star continues to evade even the most physically fit officers. “I’ve never seen him move so…
Tiger Breadsticks His Way Back Into The Masters
Jupiter Island, Florida – Despite withdrawing from the Masters earlier in the week after having unavoidable back surgery, Tiger Woods unexpectedly announced Thursday evening that he is back in the tournament and credits “the almighty breadstick” for helping him make…
Tiger Woods Unable To Play In Masters After Successful Penisectomy
Tiger Woods announced Tuesday that he has undergone a successful penisectomy for a vestigial weiner that has been haunting him for several years. The surgery was performed Monday in Park City, Utah, by neurosurgeon Dr. Charles Ima Richer. The procedure…
Redskins Owner Dan Snyder To Open Chain of Reservation Liquor Stores
Responding to claims of racial insensitivity over the team name, NFL Redskins owner Dan Snyder embarked on a month long voyage of discovery to dozens of Native American Reservations. In a widely distributed press release issued on Monday, Snyder said…
Avid Golfer Furious Over Woman Buying 9 Iron as Weapon
SUN CITY, Florida – George ‘Mac’ McGruder, 69, has been golfing ever since he was old enough to hold a golf club. Wednesdays have always been his golf days, even when he was a physician and ran his own practice….
I was snubbed by the U.S. Olympic Ski Team
Dear U.S. Olympic Ski Team: Congratulations on an outstanding Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia. And hey, that 18 year-old Mikaela Shiffrin was impressive on the giant slalom. Well done. I just have one minor complaint to register: Why did you…
Aaron Hernandez Murder Weapon Found
Gainesville, Florida – Following the surprise release of a photo showing former New England Patriots tight end, Aaron Hernandez holding a BS-47 assault rifle, local police released a statement Wednesday that they have located the weapon used to kill Odin…
Danica Patrick Accuses NASCAR Drivers of Misogyny
NASCAR driver Danica Patrick charged other drivers with sexism and misogyny after being bumped in Sundays Daytona 500 causing her to crash into the outer wall and ending her race. “There’s only one woman at Daytona today and who gets…
IOC Officials Admit Curling Event Added To Be More Inclusive
In a stunning admission the International Olympic Committee issued a statement today confirming Curling was added to be more inclusive to non-athletes. The IOC had come under fire for its wall-to-wall coverage of this years Curling competition, many times at…