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Serial Peeping Tom “Dirty” Joe Palestine Thanks Supporters

Serial Peeping Tom “Dirty” Joe Palestine Thanks Supporters

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ – In an interview with Glossy News, Middlesex Adult Corrections Facility inmate “Dirty” Joe Palestine proclaimed his innocence and announced his heartfelt appreciation for the millions of people around the world who agree that Palestine deserves his freedom.

Palestine, whose offenses spanning from 2006-2010 the New Jersey District Attorney called “the most blatant acts of unlawful voyeurism for sexual purposes (he) had ever seen,” has never admitted to any wrongdoing in regards to the 146 charges of peeping tom-related behavior. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Strange People0 Comments

ISIS Is Looking For A Few Screwed-Up Men………And Women

ISIS Is Looking For A Few Screwed-Up Men………And Women

A Note From The Editor- Due to current difficult economic situations and due to pressure from First Amendment Rights groups Glossy News must unfortunately include ads in our article runs. These ads do not necessarily reflect the opinions and thoughts of Glossy News or its publisher.

It could, however, reflect not only the opinions but also the half-brained philosophy of some of our writers, many of whom I personally know to be Godless Communists and flipped out weirdos. It is with extreme trepidation that the following ad is presented: Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, Strange People0 Comments

Florida Woman Assaults Twin Over Boyfriend, Vibrator [Video News]

Florida Woman Assaults Twin Over Boyfriend, Vibrator [Video News]

Heidi Creamer, yes, her real name, assaulted her buxom blonde twin sister Holly Creamer, also her real name, over a vibrator.

You think I’m joking, but this isn’t satire, it’s Florida. It’s God’s idea of satire.

Scroll down to watch this, our first ever “Daily News Update,” in which I try to make sense of the day’s headlines for your embetterment and embiggening, and cromulently so. Continue Reading

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Posted in Strange People, Video News11 Comments

Certain ‘Forces’ Send In The Cheney To Take Care Of Lame Duck Government.

Certain ‘Forces’ Send In The Cheney To Take Care Of Lame Duck Government.

Eager to take over the U.S. government as swiftly as possible after winning major seats in the Senate and Legislature, ‘certain forces’ within our system have called on a specialist to rid the organization of its ‘lame duck’ elements.

Operating in secrecy, these individuals called in their ace in the sleeve for when things need to get messy- THE CHENEY. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Strange People3 Comments

Local Man Preemptively Places Decorative Christmas Deer in Doggy Style Position

Local Man Preemptively Places Decorative Christmas Deer in Doggy Style Position

WICHITA – On Monday afternoon local man and self-described holiday enthusiast Phillip Bakers preemptively arranged his two decorative outdoor Christmas reindeer, a common addition to the front yards of many Christian Americans, in the doggy style position.

“I know that little [expletive] Tim Mardocky down the street gets a huge kick out of placing my yard deer on top of each other like they’re having sex every Christmas,” said the married 49-year-old father of three. Continue Reading

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Posted in Society, Strange People1 Comment

Entire Glossy News Team Arrested On False Prostitution Charges (2)

Entire Glossy News Team Arrested On False Prostitution Charges (2)

-Peter, great loyalty demands great sacrifice

As you found out last time, the entire Glossy News team has been arrested on fake charges for prostitution…

Although a certain informer called Wallace Runnymede (who shall remain anonymous, in order to have evade having the crap beaten out of him by his erstwhile peers, as some have framed it)…

But yes, His Most Exalted Shit-Stirriness has traded security for liberty by making a sneaky plea bargain, in order to dump the other guys in it.

… Oh come on, don’t be so judgmental! Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Strange People2 Comments

LGBTQQ Community Finally Exhausts Alphabet

LGBTQQ Community Finally Exhausts Alphabet

It’s finally happened. The non-traditional sexuality and gender communities have exhausted the alphabet in their attempts to include everyone under one umbrella acronym.

Starting in the 1990s, those of different sexual persuasions started describing themselves as part of the LGBT or lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender community.

That designation worked for a while until some smaller marginalized minorities voiced their concerns. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Strange People4 Comments

Entire Glossy News Team Arrested On False Prostitution Charges (1)

Entire Glossy News Team Arrested On False Prostitution Charges (1)

The End of The Truth?

Glossynews, as you all no doubt agree (merely because WE say so; reason enough, right?!), is the single most… sorry, the SINGLE AND SOLE respected media outlet in the world.

Well, in a world filled with MSNBC Socialist/Liberal-Corporatist agitprop and the South-Park- Libertarianism/Beltway-Market-Hipsterism of Fox News, it’s clear that there’s only one game in town.

Only one place can be trusted to mingle “the truth” (whatever the Hell that means) with an immaculately noble Socratic “lie” (or as we prefer to call it, telling “the people” what “they” want to hear). Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Strange People4 Comments

“A Drunkard’s Dream If I Ever Did See One”

“A Drunkard’s Dream If I Ever Did See One”

This phrase from ‘Up On Cripple Creek’ by The Band pretty well sums up the first and perhaps the last conscious impression that one would have of Hurley, Wisconsin.

I had heard a couple times from people in Ironwood, Michigan just across the Montreal River and the state line from Hurley that it was ‘where everyone goes to drink’.

Coming into town from Highway 2 and arriving at the main junction and the main stop signs for Hurley that defines the towns business district, if one were to swivel ones head in a complete arc from left to right one would be amazed at the plethora of bars this place has to offer the willing to be soused visitor. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Strange People0 Comments

Wahhabis, Southern Baptists Ban Side-boob; Episcopalians Undecided

Wahhabis, Southern Baptists Ban Side-boob; Episcopalians Undecided

Love ‘em or hate ‘em; but like death, taxes, and embarrassingly contrived and preposterous MSNBC op-eds, side-boobs are here to stay.

Yup: never mind bitterly warring and counter-warring and counter-counter-counter-owch-a-doodle-warring Social Justice Warriors on Tumblr; or Hamilton Nolan’s online privilege Olympics on Gawker.

Nah! There is only one web phenomenon sexually frustrated late-teenage and early-adult web users just can’t get enough of… side-boob. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, Strange People0 Comments

David Duke “Clarifies” Anti-Semitic Comments

David Duke “Clarifies” Anti-Semitic Comments

Famously-allegedly-ish “non-racist™” White supremacist; oh sorry, how un-PC; I meant achingly conspicuous “racial realist™” David Duke has popped out (sorry, popped up) once again.

Yes, His Most Exalted Ideological Hipsterness has recently expressed what he calls his “utmost sincere contrition and regret” for a despicable comment he made in a TV interview.

Surprising, huh? Well, kein Scheisse!.. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Strange People1 Comment

Kim Jong Takes Un Step Toward Hollywood

Kim Jong Takes Un Step Toward Hollywood

TO: My dear subjects

FROM: Your Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-un

I want to apologize for not informing you of my whereabouts for almost six weeks this past fall and causing you undue heartache and concern but, of course, I cannot.

As I am infallible, apology is not an option for me and I must therefore gently chide you, my children, for needlessly worrying about my brief absence. Continue Reading

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Posted in Strange People, World News1 Comment

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