Author of “How to Be A Success” Guides Dies a Dismal Failure

And I’m here to help!

Kilroy Kovacs, prolific publisher of the popular “How to Be a Success” guides, has been found dead in his car outside of Peculiar, Missouri. Cause of death has not been determined.

Kovacs was the author of two dozen “How to Be a Success” books and published in thirteen countries. Sales are estimated at between 5000 and 6000 volumes worldwide, including complimentary and bootleg copies.

Kovacs aspired to compete with the “Dummies” books with titles like, “How to Be a Success in Business” and “How to Be a Success in Love” to name just two of his least unsuccessful offerings. Ironically Kovacs died broke and alone living out of his car, a 1972 AMC Gremlin. He is survived by absolutely no one who cares.

Harold Zeck, a self-professed expert of the “Success” books and founder of the “Duress for Success” achievement through stress system had nothing but positive things to say about Kovacs. “He was OK, I guess,” said Zeck.

Basing his little known success workshops on the principles of Kovac’s work while adding his own patented brand of therapy based on enhanced learning under stress, Zeck has found success of his own equally elusive. “My workshops are a dismal failure which is just the stress I need to be successful,” he remarked during a rare upbeat moment.

Kovacs had developed a cult following in recent years attracting dozens of adherents to his “Success” principles. Toby Gillis, a longtime fan of Kovacs’ and president of the internet fan club, spent the last 17 years of his life practicing the principles he learned in the “Success” books. Skypeing from the basement of his grandparent’s farmhouse in rural Michigan, Gillis granted GlossyNews an exclusive interview about the transformative, life changing lessons he gleaned from Kovac’s work.

GLOSSYNEWS: “Good morning, Mr. Gillis.”

Gillis: “Who is that? How’d you get in my room?”

GLOSSYNEWS: “Um… You agreed to chat with us about how Kilroy Kovac’s ‘Success’ books changed your life.”

Gillis: “Oh right. So… How long have you been there?”

GLOSSYNEWS: “Since just before the porn. Don’t worry about it. Let’s get started shall we? What would you say is your favorite book of the ‘Success’ series?”

Gillis: “Easy. That would be ‘How to Be a Success in College.’”

GLOSSYNEWS: ‘That’s interesting. So was it influential in helping you get through college?”

Gillis: ”I didn’t go to college…”

GLOSSYNEWS: “Wait, what…?”

Gillis: “College is hard. All that work he talked about…screw that!”

GLOSSYNEWS: “Right. Moving on. What did you think about ‘How to Be a Success in Love?’”

Gillis: ”LOVED IT!”

GLOSSYNEWS: “Great!!! What part did you find most informative?”

Gillis: “The art of massage and the proper massage oil. It explained how the smell of the oil and warming to 5 degrees above body temperature was the key.”

GLOSSYNEWS: “Is that the key to making massage more pleasurable for your partner?”

Gillis: “What partner?”


Gillis: “Why would I warm up massage oil for someone else? They can warm up their own damned oil!”

GLOSSYNEWS: “Amazing! What we have here is a complete failure to communicate. Let’s try, ‘How to Be a Success in Real Estate.’ Did you read that?”

Gillis: ”Yes! It was excellent!”

GLOSSYNEWS: “What was the best advice you got?”

Gillis: “I have it bookmarked. It was on page 57. Don’t buy property from a hobo.”

GLOSSYNEWS: ”Seriously!? I’m sure that no one needs to be advised not to…oh wait there it is on page 57. ‘Don’t buy property from a hobo’. I stand corrected.”

Gillis: “The man was a genius.”

GLOSSYNEWS: “No truer words were ever spoken from a man living in his grandparent’s basement.”

Gillis: “What do you mean by that? I live in my grandparent’s basement and I just said the same thing!”

GLOSSYNEWS: “Coincidence?

Gillis: “Don’t talk down to me! I inherited this basement from my folks who lived here most of their lives. You know what you call that?”

GLOSSYNEWS: “Epic failure?”

Gillis: “What? No! Successful real estate investment.”

At this point the interview was unexpectedly terminated and GlossyNews was unsuccessful in reestablishing a connection.

Services for Mr. Kovacs have yet to be announced but GlossyNews will keep you updated as information becomes available.

Unless we fail.

Author: Kilroy

Deceased and recently reanimated writer haunting websites worldwide. The Afterlife has no cable TV so I initially came back as one of the Writing Dead on the Internet. But you can literally starve looking for brains to eat on some sites. Lost and disillusioned in the Netherworld, I wandered in limbo looking for meaningful work. I worked on Bernie Sander's campaign as a ghost writer until I was approached by The Sith and reanimated as a Sith Writer. Sure they could use a better dental plan but I 'm back, in black, and dressed for Sithcess.

2 thoughts on “Author of “How to Be A Success” Guides Dies a Dismal Failure

Comments are closed.