Category: Society
Screwdriver Borrowed, Returned
Reading, Pennsylvania – At least one professional is dumbfounded following the completion of two transactions between neighbors in the dorms of Albright College on North 13th Street. Students Sean Chaigarvsky and Michael Kellner have lived next to one another for…
Flo to Use Charm to ‘Perk-Up’ Obamacare
Flo, the permanently perky face of Progressive Insurance, has been named new Secretary of Health and Human Services replacing outgoing HHS czar Kathleen Sebelius. President Obama made the announcement last night. The decision was a tough one and President Obama…
HS Student Answers Every SAT Question w/ “Google”, Gets Perfect Score
HERMINIE, PA — Local High School Student Roger Burman recently scored a perfect 2400 on the Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT) after answering every question with the word, “Google,” sources report. According to English Teacher Frank Gimley, who proctored the exam,…
Privileged Teenager Survives Harrowing Plane Trip in Coach
A 16-year-old trust fund brat survived a frightening journey halfway across the Pacific Ocean on Sunday after climbing into the coach section of a Hawaiian Airlines jet flying from San Jose to Maui. The boy emerged unharmed despite uncomfortable temperatures,…
Teens in School Tour Bus Crash Catch Fire; Parents Glad it Wasn’t Aids
Parents of teenagers that were severely Jewed alive in the school tour bus crash in Los Angeles are now relieved from the good news that was delivered to them this week. The smarty-pant scientists confirmed this morning that the school…
Pothole Filled: DeSean Jackson Gypped
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania – In response to the demand of residents living on Broad Street in Center City, Mayor Michael Nutter has filled a giant pothole, while simultaneously taking a step forward in a city-wide effort to legalize marijuana. “Today, Philadelphia…
Douch-Dad Doesn’t Arrive to Daughter’s Ballet Recital; Vagina Syndrome Suspected
A stereotypical middle class Caucasian father, owner of three adorable children is still being a huge douchebag by not arriving to his little girl’s ballet recital which begins at 4 pm. When asked on who was going to arrive to…
NASCAR to Shorten Races: Surging Gas Prices Spur Changes
NASCAR officials declared today that due to the current increase in gasoline prices, several races later this season will be shortened to save costs. According to the report issued, the money saving initiative will prevent a rise in ticket prices…
Undercover PennDOT Workers Disguised As Cops To Secretly Finish Turnpike Construction
PITTSBURGH — The Pennsylvania Department of Transportation (PennDOT) recently announced plans to disguise an elite group of its workers as police officers and place them in construction zones along the Pennsylvania Turnpike in order to secretly finish some of the…
Florida Man Eats Own Face, Goes on Epic Crime Spree
Daytona Beach, FL—On Thursday, Florida Man Randy Travers went on a spectacular 18-hour crime spree that included autocannibalism, first-degree arson, theft, voting fraud, and numerous other destructive acts. He is now in police custody, according to Sgt. Dale Reynolds of…