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Like Martin Luther King, I have a dream

Like Martin Luther King, I have a dream

On January 19th, this nation will celebrate Martin Luther King Day. The iconic civil rights leader would have been 86 this year. On a swelteringly hot day in August 1963, Reverend King delivered one of the greatest oratories in American history – his famously inspiring “I have a dream” speech, which he delivered from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.

While I don’t claim to possess Mr. King’s eloquence, I too have a dream. And it’s very personal. With your permission, I would like to share it with you today. Continue Reading

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Posted in Opinion/Editorial, Society0 Comments

“Cool Hat Guy” Spotted at KFC

“Cool Hat Guy” Spotted at KFC

Seattle, WA-Local employees were abuzz yesterday when something unexpected happened. A good looking guy sporting a smooth beard and one of those cool knit Beanie hats strolled in to order some extra crispy.

“This doesn’t happen here, it just doesn’t,” says Juanita Lopez, who has been manager at the local KFC for almost 3 years. “This is not the clientele we are used to here.” Her subordinates agreed. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Strange People1 Comment

The Latest Personality Type Indicator Will Shock You

The Latest Personality Type Indicator Will Shock You

As outlined in the Breyers-Griggs Universal Spectrum® (BoGUS®) Statement of Aims and Objectives, the purpose of the popular personality test is two-fold:

1. To assist people in better understanding themselves, including their personal preferences, strengths and weaknesses, and scope of interests; and
2. To provide employers with resources to inform key decisions in areas such as staffing and seat assignments. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Internets Tubes0 Comments

George Zimmerman Loses Guns, Gains 2003 Ford F-350

George Zimmerman Loses Guns, Gains 2003 Ford F-350

George Zimmerman, best known for shooting and killing the unarmed 17 year-old African-American Trayvon Martin, was back in a Seminole County Courthouse this week, having been arrested for and summarily convicted of aggravated assault for allegedly throwing a wine bottle at his girlfriend.

As part of his sentence, the judge ordered Zimmerman to surrender any and all firearms in his possession immediately. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Strange People0 Comments

Misspelled Sign Places Pep Boys in Hot Water

Misspelled Sign Places Pep Boys in Hot Water

Portland, Oregon – Manny, Moe & Jack may soon be changing their names to Fanny, Blow & Whack following the grand opening of the newest Pep Boys store on Alberta Street in downtown Portland on Saturday morning.

Prior to opening the doors for the first time, Store Manager Marc Maasseli, removed an opaque sheet of plastic covering the store’s sign to reveal “Peep Boys” instead of the familiar “Pep Boys” that the 300 customers, reporters and company executives standing outside were expecting. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Crime10 Comments

2014 – The Year in Review: Part II (July – December)

2014 – The Year in Review: Part II (July – December)

We continue this week with Part II of Glossy News’ Year in Review for 2014. If you missed Part I, don’t worry, you didn’t miss much, but it’s here for the curious.

A couple of wars, a few natural disasters and a political scandal or two – pretty much a replay of 2010 through 2013. Check it out here. Let’s continue now with Part II. Don’t skip ahead to December and spoil the surprise ending, okay? Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Society0 Comments

Serial Peeping Tom “Dirty” Joe Palestine Thanks Supporters

Serial Peeping Tom “Dirty” Joe Palestine Thanks Supporters

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ – In an interview with Glossy News, Middlesex Adult Corrections Facility inmate “Dirty” Joe Palestine proclaimed his innocence and announced his heartfelt appreciation for the millions of people around the world who agree that Palestine deserves his freedom.

Palestine, whose offenses spanning from 2006-2010 the New Jersey District Attorney called “the most blatant acts of unlawful voyeurism for sexual purposes (he) had ever seen,” has never admitted to any wrongdoing in regards to the 146 charges of peeping tom-related behavior. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Strange People0 Comments

Khomeinisexuality: Meet Iran’s Radical Love-Cleric (Part 2/69: Jizz be Upon Me)

Khomeinisexuality: Meet Iran’s Radical Love-Cleric (Part 2/69: Jizz be Upon Me)

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Encore une fois: this one’s for Charlie Hebdo. Nous sommes tous Charlie.

Ok, you’ve heard from the people men of wisdom; to wit, the only people who really understand enlightened fucking erudite fiqh rulings from the inside (pretty damn deep inside… and not just fiqh rulings!).

Yes: clearly, Ayatollah Khomeini either is more sexually enlightened than his depraved and despicable hell-bound haters previously thought… Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Religionism0 Comments

Khomeinisexuality: Meet Iran’s Radical Love-Cleric (Part 1/69: Jizz Be Upon Him)

Khomeinisexuality: Meet Iran’s Radical Love-Cleric (Part 1/69: Jizz Be Upon Him)

Tribute

This one’s for Charlie Hebdo. Nous sommes tous Charlie.

OK, we all know about the obviously malicious and unproven allegations of gratuitously gratifyingly enlightened fatwas on “I’m-a-sexin’ that damn fine chicken” that have been directed at Imam Love Doctor Friday Night Wonder AYATOLLAH Khomeini. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Religionism0 Comments

Woman Who Regularly Chastises People for Offensive Jokes Now ‘Stands with Charlie Hebdo’

Woman Who Regularly Chastises People for Offensive Jokes Now ‘Stands with Charlie Hebdo’

Accompanied by her usual catch phrase, “this is NOT ok,” 25-year-old Katherine James posted an article on Facebook Wednesday night about how the tragic events regarding the French satire publication Charlie Hebdo “is a sad day for the freedom of expression.”

James, who just a few weeks prior posted an article condemning Chris Rock’s Saturday Night Live monologue because it addressed 9/11 and the Boston Marathon tragedies, went on to declare that the shooting of several French satirists for making a Muhammed joke was a “disgusting” event that violated the concept of freedom of speech that was fundamental to modern Western civilizations. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Crime1 Comment

Extremist Group Exercises its Freedom of Religion on NAACP Building

Extremist Group Exercises its Freedom of Religion on NAACP Building

A Montana neo-Nazi extremist organization, The Color White, Inc., claimed responsibility earlier today for the recent bombing of a building in Colorado Springs, owned by the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP).

The building, including the part rented to the popular barbershop Mr. G’s Hair Design Studios, suffered minor damage when a grenade detonated next to a portable kerosene tank, which did not explode during the attack. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Religionism1 Comment

2014 – The Year in Review: Part I (January – June)

2014 – The Year in Review: Part I (January – June)

As has been the proud tradition of this Pulitzer-Prize-denied publication since 1952 – except for 2012 (when the Mayan Calendar predicted the world would end, so I figured, what was the point) – it’s time for Glossy News’ Annual Year in Review for 2014.

In keeping with one of the hottest trends of the year, here’s your chance to binge read the important news stories of the past twelve months which you missed because you were too busy playing Candy Crush. Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Society0 Comments

Je Suis Charlie – Where Murder And Humor Have Met

Je Suis Charlie – Where Murder And Humor Have Met

As you know, yesterday three gunmen entered the offices of Charlie Hebdo, a French satirical magazine, and killed twelve people.

The magazine was known for its biting satire and has several times depicted Mohamed in a mocking fashion. It is considered a damnable sin in Islam to make any sort of picture of their Prophet.

The office of Charlie had been firebombed in 2011. The editor and staff had been often been sent death threats. On January 7th those threats were made real. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Religionism1 Comment

The Not So Funny Side Of Satire

The Not So Funny Side Of Satire

This morning many of us awoke to hear the news of the tragedy that occurred to a satirical news organization in France. It will take a while for the true horror of this event to register with many of us who also write satire. These were brothers and sisters who were willing to point out problems that they saw in the world around them using a humorous twist.

Any country, politician, group, product, organization, event, and yes, even religion, can become the focus of satire. When we see things that push the limits of reason and common sense, we will push it further to show just how absurd something really is. We can write funny stories about cats all day long, but that will never evoke any real thought about what is happening in the world.

Each of us who decide to express ourselves in this manner, know in our hearts that there are those that will be offended. I’ve heard many writers joke about having to go into hiding after their next article is published, unfortunately, sometimes it’s not really a joke, but a deeper understanding of just how many people will never see the irony of their words, and only see themselves as the victim of an attack.

Today we are hurt, we mourn for those who have passed, but we also will not stop. To offer silence at the hand of violence is not who we are, we will continue to turn our views of the world into something that not only amuses you, but hopefully, also makes you stop and think for a few minutes. Our brothers and sisters in France will also regroup, their voices will also not be silenced by this tragedy, and we look forward to the day when they are once again putting their voices into print.

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Posted in Society4 Comments

N.Y. Police Turning Backs On de Blasio Illustrate Exactly Where The City’s Problems Lie

N.Y. Police Turning Backs On de Blasio Illustrate Exactly Where The City’s Problems Lie

The New York Police twice turning their backs on Mayor de Blasio during his speeches at the funerals of two slain officers gives a strong indication of exactly where their whole racial problem started.

The police showing disrespect for the Mayor and a total lack of ability to see his point of view is the heart of the problem that has plagued the NYPD for decades. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crooked Cops, Serious Commentary4 Comments

ISIS Is Looking For A Few Screwed-Up Men………And Women

ISIS Is Looking For A Few Screwed-Up Men………And Women

A Note From The Editor- Due to current difficult economic situations and due to pressure from First Amendment Rights groups Glossy News must unfortunately include ads in our article runs. These ads do not necessarily reflect the opinions and thoughts of Glossy News or its publisher.

It could, however, reflect not only the opinions but also the half-brained philosophy of some of our writers, many of whom I personally know to be Godless Communists and flipped out weirdos. It is with extreme trepidation that the following ad is presented: Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, Strange People0 Comments

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