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Pelosi’s Socialist Speech Code, Anti-GOP Persecution

Pelosi’s Socialist Speech Code, Anti-GOP Persecution

In a move causing widespread ripples of non-surprise, Nancy Pelosi has not-so-secretly used her Senatorial Privileges to unilaterally ram through a Socialist Speech Code for Californian police.

Don’t worry; obviously, this use of the previously unheard-of Senatorial Decree option is perfectly constitutional… Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Politics0 Comments

Yes I Can! President Obama Decides to Become Kindergarten Chanter

Yes I Can! President Obama Decides to Become Kindergarten Chanter

When President Obama’s presidency finishes, he won’t be out of a job. Well, he might be out of a job before his Presidency finishes, if the Republicans succeed in impeaching him.

Still, the President says that whenever he leaves the Oval Office, he’s going to use skills he has already required on-the-job, in order to further advance his career.

So, look at what he has to say about this: Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Kidz Zone0 Comments

Service Group Logs More Photos than Hours Worked

Service Group Logs More Photos than Hours Worked

TUSCALOOSA,AL- This summer, 9 University of Alabama students traveled to New York City for a one week trip focused on community service.

During their week, each student logged 25 hours of service and the group collectively returned with 1,257 photos of themselves standing in and around different service sites.

While in NYC the students averaged 3.5 hours of service in soup kitchens and the Food Bank each day. In their free time, they experienced all the city had to offer like shopping, seeing Broadway shows, and avoiding giving a dollar to a man they fed that morning to ensure they had enough to buy another “I ♥ NY” tee. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Society0 Comments

Santorum’s Untimely September Crusade Against Wal-Mart

Santorum’s Untimely September Crusade Against Wal-Mart

OK, I know the following article seems pretty anachronistic (in more ways than one, maybe).

Still, if politicians make “untimely interventions” in issues that are more safely consigned to a different part of the calendar, it’s not my fault.

Yes, it really isn’t my fault…

I mean, this is the objective media, and holding our hands up and taking responsibility is not really our bag. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Religionism0 Comments

Richest 1% Buys U.S. Military to Protect them from Other 99% of Society

Richest 1% Buys U.S. Military to Protect them from Other 99% of Society

In a surprising development, the upper 1% of the richest Americans have purchased the entire U.S. military to protect them from the other 99% that they lord over.

All troops except those actively engaging an enemy somewhere in the world have been called back to bases in the U.S.

“This is a change of monumental proportions!” stated US Today.

“This could bring about an international catastrophe!” cried CNN. Continue Reading

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Posted in Society4 Comments

Gingrich Pleads for More Pragmatism, Less Dogmatism on Stalin/Gulags Issue

Gingrich Pleads for More Pragmatism, Less Dogmatism on Stalin/Gulags Issue

Newt Gingrich, the GOP Ideas Man™ is dissatisfied with polarised views on Stalin’s allegedly atrocious human rights abuses, and he fears that a failure to compromise is holding back progress for the USA.

And actually, he’s taken care (once more) to inform us of where we are all going wrong:

Ok, you know, so here we are…

Yes, one side says that Stalin was an appalling and brutal monster, one of the most wicked and most callous people in history…. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Society3 Comments

Kerry Orders Airstrikes on Charlie

Kerry Orders Airstrikes on Charlie

Everybody (more or less) seems to love Charlie, the moody animated horse from Sugarcandy Mountain; yet, it seems he hasn’t got a friend in John Kerry, as you’ll read.

Really? Can that really be possible? Well, Kerry has been spitting fire and brimstone over this despicable criminal and Enemy of the Free World™: Continue Reading

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Posted in Crooked Cops, Kidz Zone, Strange People0 Comments

Another Dalai Lama Gaffe: Heroin-Pushing A-OK, if Intention Good

Another Dalai Lama Gaffe: Heroin-Pushing A-OK, if Intention Good

One or two people might have been offended by the information included in my recent scoop on the Dalai Lama’s views on war crimes. But unfortunately, no apology or clarification from His Exalted Phatness has been forthcoming…

Instead, I have a second blunder to report (with all the wide-eyed sincerity a cynical satirical hack can muster).

Well, what is it this time?

Hmm… everybody’s favourite non-judgmental, peaceful and achingly groovy religious leader has given a word from the wise to all those bigoted, ignorant, lawless, and unenlightened folks who look down on heroin dealers. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Crime, Religionism3 Comments

God to Withhold Prayer Requests From Cor Jesu High School Administrators Since Firing of Gay Teachers

God to Withhold Prayer Requests From Cor Jesu High School Administrators Since Firing of Gay Teachers

ST. LOUIS – Explaining that he had, “literally no idea what they were thinking,” deity of the Catholic Church and contributing author Yahweh said in a press release he would no longer be accepting prayer requests from officials at Cor Jesu Academy in reaction to their firing of two homosexual teachers.

“I’m sorry, I really am, but I just can not, in good conscious, continue to cure the sick, pick winning lottery numbers, and alter the outcome of sporting events if the request comes from members of such an institution. These sanctions are both warranted and necessary.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, Society0 Comments

Pat Robertson “Blames” Justin Bieber for Freak Weather Conditions

Pat Robertson “Blames” Justin Bieber for Freak Weather Conditions

After a lull of a few years, Pat Robertson has put his theometerology hat back on again.

Yes… Pastor Pat has yet another new theory to contribute for why the USA has experienced extreme weather conditions in recent years.

How so? Well, it turns out that God is just not a Belieber.

“Well… I don’t want to say for sure whether the Lord is punishing the USA because of this fine young man’s singing.

“I mean, I’m not gonna tell you to whom you shall listen and to whom you shall not. That is your choice, but I will just say this… Continue Reading

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Posted in Music, Religionism0 Comments

H.H. Dalai Lama: War Crimes Are Matter of Context

H.H. Dalai Lama: War Crimes Are Matter of Context

Everybody knows that unlike all the “Abrahamic Religions”™ like Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Baha’i, Rastafarianism, etc., Buddhism is in a class of its own.

But why? Obviously, because people belonging to all other religions have practiced patriarchy, homophobia, racism, and the odd spot of religious persecution…

On the other hand, as every herb-smoking New Age traveler knows in their heart, Buddhism is the one religion on earth where there has never been a war, or any sort of persecution, prejudice or discrimination whatsoever.

However, this universally acknowledged common sense fact is becoming increasingly difficult to square with some of the more erratic rulings recently attributed to the entirely authoritative and infallible teachings of His Holiness the Dalai Lama, known to countless beer-addled student activists as H.H.

(No, I mean REALLY infallible! Not like the Pope, who is only called infallible; and who is not ACTUALLY infallible. Learn the difference, chip!) Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Religionism5 Comments

GOP End of Days Panic: Rick Perry Declares Himself the Anti-Reagan

GOP End of Days Panic: Rick Perry Declares Himself the Anti-Reagan

The GOP is getting worried about outside infiltration and even supernatural omens, as rumor has it that Rick Perry has revealed himself to aides as the literal anti-Reagan.

No need to worry about fire and brimstone, signs in the Heavens, and the standard apocalyptic phenomena which might conceivably be interpreting as heralding the end of days for some Republicans, as you’ll read.

There is a perfectly innocent (well, more-or-less innocent) explanation. Here’s what Rick has to say about the latest development in the War Against Reagan: Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Politics2 Comments

Rand and Rev. Al Share the Pie Equally, Dems and Reps Unimpressed

Rand and Rev. Al Share the Pie Equally, Dems and Reps Unimpressed

Senator Rand Paul and Reverend Al Sharpton have shown some interparty solidarity and cut up a blueberry pie™ into equal slices at a dialogue and lunch event.

Hey listen, this man Senator Rand Paul is great!

gushes Reverend Al:

I mean, I haven’t seen such mutual engagement and co-operation for a long time!

Well, not since the US State Department got to working with Jabhat-al-Nusra and ISIS to bring down President Assad, anyhow!

Well, let me tell you something, we can work with this man alright! And that blueberry pie; oh my gosh, I’ve never had such succulent blue-sky-colored berries and crusty pastry… wow!

Mmm-hm! Wow! You said, ‘Reverend Al, where’s our blueberry pie?’ Let me tell you something, my friend; the blueberry pie’s right here!

Mmm! Sorry about that! But yeah, I mean, this Senator is cooking up something really special!

Senator Paul is also buoyant:

Reverend Al is not only a hero of the Civil Rights Movement, but from this day forward, I am deeply honored to call him a friend.

I mean, this is just so exciting. I’ve never had a black friend of color before!

But listen carefully. Reverend Al, this good buddy of mine, he just seems like a normal, regular guy…

You know, like all the straight, male, white guys at the GOP I normally hang around with!

Now listen up, everybody. Don’t let anyone ever tell you that black people are bad folks.

I mean, hell, we need as many votes from the African American community as we can get!

Yeah, I mean, racism just doesn’t make sense, where we are now, the modern world, 2015…

Leading up to 2016! I mean, I couldn’t possibly justify our alienating any more black voters!

So yeah, we’re gonna have to have some more dialogue meetings like this.

And more: I promise you this Al, next time, you will have your chance to speak, as much as anyone else!

Hm. Um, Al. I kinda think you and your friends have had enough. D’you mind letting me have the rest of this stuff?

I mean, this was all a good idea, but I don’t want to take it too far.

Yeah, let’s not go overboard here. Fair’s fair!

But others in both the Republic and Democratic Parties (surprisingly) are skeptical. Rick Perry says:

I don’t think all those greedy Democrats™ at this shallow publicity stunt™ deserved such a ridiculously large slice of pie. They have contributed very little to this country. All this talk about cutting up the pie™, I’m sick of it! Déjà vu city!

Hillary Clinton is unimpressed too:

So… let me get this straight. I know it sounds like I’m repeating myself time and time again, but Reverend Al has a lifetime’s experience of™ pastoral work, preaching, providing spiritual counseling, and plenty of civil activism. What does Rand Paul have™?

Yes, what does Rand Paul have? Just one insignificant little picture of him, stuffing his face with a DESSERT! He won’t succeed! There’s just no way on earth this man deserves to be President!

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Posted in Politics, Religionism0 Comments

Coloradoans Now Even Bigger A**holes Since Start Of Legalized Pot

Coloradoans Now Even Bigger A**holes Since Start Of Legalized Pot

The wonder mellower-outer cannabis, always said to have a positive, tranquilizing affect on its users, has unfortunately not had such an effect on the normally ego-centered Coloradoans who recently legalized use of it.

“Criminy,” said Jim Bames, over the road trucker who delivers freight from Kansas to Colorado regularly “I thought that stuff was supposed to mellow you out! Why them guys now are worse than ever. They was plain old jerks before. Now that they’s smoked up they’s is now super jerks!” Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Human Interest0 Comments

College Senior More Concerned With Zombie Apocalypse Than Future

College Senior More Concerned With Zombie Apocalypse Than Future

University if Missouri, Columbia — Despite his mounting college debt and lack of employment, college senior Brent Hamilton appears to be more troubled by the prospect of a zombie apocalypse than his imminent future.

“Brent’s always been a little eccentric, but lately all he talks about is a potential zombie outbreak,” revealed Devin Carter, Brent’s roommate for the past two years.

“He can’t even walk to class without pointing out which buildings are deathtraps and whether or not a facility is perfect for undead sniping. The guy didn’t even consider going to the job fair because it was being held in the Mizzou Rec Complex. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Strange People0 Comments

Pelosi gets tough on Pope Francis regime

Pelosi gets tough on Pope Francis regime

It seems not everybody is charmed by Pope Francis. Indeed, one prominent US politician, Nancy Pelosi, is planning very stern measures to punish what she considers to be the brutal and savage policies and order of governance by His Holiness.

In a tearful Youtube video that Britney Spears has already endorsed, Pelosi explains: “The Church humiliated me™ because of my Principled Liberal Moral Stances™. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Religionism5 Comments

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