Bruce Jenner Debuts New Film Along with Name

NEW YORK CITY – The world received a double dose of Caitlyn Jenner on Monday as the American culture, fashion and politics magazine, Vanity Fair, released their upcoming cover with Caitlyn sitting on a stool and the man-turned-woman also announced participation in an upcoming feature remake being released later in the year. Read more Bruce Jenner Debuts New Film Along with Name

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The News (Really) Bytes – May 2015

Cleveland, Ohio Police Chief says that 71 people arrested while protesting the acquittal of a police officer who shot to death two unarmed black drivers was because “a few of them went over the line.”

Of course, shooting two people 137 times is not considered “over the line” by Cleveland authorities.

That is seven bullets more than the Texas law officials used to kill Bonnie and Clyde who WERE armed, had killed 9 law enforcement agents and had twelve guns on them when they were ambushed. Read more The News (Really) Bytes – May 2015

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Long Lost Photo Reveals Titanic Hit a Wahlberg

NEW YORK CITY – A shocking revelation was made this week when a photograph uncovered in the corner of a dusty attic changed the history behind a catastrophic event that took place on the night of April 14th into the morning of April 15th in 1912.

For more than 103 years, it was common knowledge that the large vessel carrying 2,224 passengers and crew had collided with a large iceberg approximately 375 miles (600 km) south of Newfoundland, causing the ship’s hull plates to buckle inwards along the starboard side and allowing water to flow in gradually from the Atlantic Ocean. Read more Long Lost Photo Reveals Titanic Hit a Wahlberg

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Google Becomes Main Source Of Knowledge In Universe; God Steps Down

Accumulating a huge mass of knowledge in its 17 years of existence, the Internet giant Google has officially made itself the greatest source of knowledge in the entire universe, surpassing even that of Douglas Adam’s giant planet computer in Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.

In a surprising move as a result of this development, God has stepped down as the Supreme Force of the Universe. Asked to make a public statement about this unexpected change, God refused at first to answer reporters’ questions. Read more Google Becomes Main Source Of Knowledge In Universe; God Steps Down

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Fifty Shades of White

When I was first learning how to color in 1st grade, my art teacher taught us about red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, black and white. Pretty much all the colors I’ve needed ever since.

Then I got my first box of 64 Crayola crayons. It blew my mind. So many colors I had never imagined. One called Reddish Orange. Another one called Orangish Red.

And Indian Red, which I could not in clear conscience draw with until they renamed it Native American Red. Read more Fifty Shades of White

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Top 8 “Thwarted Knight” Excuses (2/2)

Sorry, son. I know I was hard on you (and me?) last time.

Still, it’s all downhill from here, don’t worry.

6. You’re twisting my words.

OK, so you know words are subject to interpretation. That’s a start.

So why is your interpretation of your own words so important? Every time you open your mouth or set pen to paper, everyone has to focus on what you “originally meant?” Read more Top 8 “Thwarted Knight” Excuses (2/2)

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Top 8 “Thwarted Knight” Excuses (1/2)

Everybody knows it’s REALLY, REALLY, REALLY HARD TO BE A MAN!!!

;(

And when you’re part of a tragically oppressed subaltern group like yours, there’s no shortage of excuses for justifying your perfectly noble and laudable addiction to telling women to quit telling men what we do wrong.

Still, here’s why you/we might think twice about using these old chestnuts in future… Read more Top 8 “Thwarted Knight” Excuses (1/2)

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2015 Advice for Graduating Students

I’d been working as an administrative assistant at an Ivy League university for about a year when my boss, the school’s marketing director, asked me to compile a list of inspirational quotes for the graduating class.

I dutifully sent a mass email to the alumni, asking them to share the best advice they had for the students before they entered the “real” world. I then boiled down their responses to the ten most representative quotes. Read more 2015 Advice for Graduating Students

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Decidophobic Man Unable to Dismiss Completed Calendar Task Involving Ex-Girlfriend

Wilbur, Kansas – 29-year-old Marketing Manager, Larry Rossgarden, has considered himself to be a procrastinator since his college days at the University of Kansas, where he would consistently delay writing papers and studying for exams until literally minutes before they were due or set to occur.

Since then, his bad habit has gotten him kicked out of school, fired from 23 different jobs and resulted in the termination of a longstanding relationship with his college sweetheart, Lisa Janks. Read more Decidophobic Man Unable to Dismiss Completed Calendar Task Involving Ex-Girlfriend

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Better parenting through polling

When it comes to parenting, I don’t always make the best decisions. I’m not always sure what the right thing to do is in a difficult situation.

Like the time our elder daughter begged and pleaded with me to let her drive the car to the mall. It was a sunny day. Traffic was light. And she had behaved extremely well all week long. So against my better judgment, I said okay. Two minutes later, she smashed the car into a stop sign barely 100 yards from our driveway. A part of me can’t help but wonder whether in retrospect I made a mistake giving in to the incessant pleadings of an eight-year-old to drive my minivan. Read more Better parenting through polling

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Khameini Frustrated: Putin Still Friendzoning Ayatollah (2/2)

Unlike Khomeini-ite Fiqh, TULIP-flavor Calvinism, and other scientific and empirically rigorous political discourses, “nice guy” and “friendzoning” are ideological aberrations that are completely detached from reality.

Still, that didn’t stop Khameini giving it to us one last time:

I mean, there are so many jumpy, rowdy, jerk-off pricks who treat other guys really, really, REALLY badly! And Putin doesn’t mind THEM!

Read more Khameini Frustrated: Putin Still Friendzoning Ayatollah (2/2)

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Khameini Frustrated: Putin Still Friendzoning Ayatollah (1/2)

Some would say that The Enemies Of Our Glorious Nation™ are quarrelsome folk.

(Or if not “enemies of America,” at least the enemies of the non-satire news media and of The International Beltway Community).

Still, there is such a thing as honor among thieves; or if not honor among thieves, at least honor among “Recalcitrationists Of The Universal Interest.” Read more Khameini Frustrated: Putin Still Friendzoning Ayatollah (1/2)

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New Dog Treat Introduced in Honor of Ghostbusters Reboot

St. Louis, Missouri – As the newest Ghostbusters film comes closer to fruition, more and more companies are releasing products that, in thought, will appeal to the everyday consumer who doubles as a Ghostbusterian.

The latest household name to join in on the ghost hunt? The Nestlé Purina PetCare Company with an innovative treat, featuring a new take on their original Beggin’ Strips that have gone unchanged since they debuted in 1993.

The new product, known as Bagans Strips, are still catered towards dogs and are named after the late TV star and former host of the Travel Channel series, Ghost Adventurers, Zak Bagans. Read more New Dog Treat Introduced in Honor of Ghostbusters Reboot

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Exclusive – An Interview With Mrs. Tsarnaev- Mother Of The Boston Bombers

Glossy – Good day, Mrs. Tsarnaev! Thank you for agreeing to do this interview with us.

Mrs. Tsarnaev – You should be thankful, you American sensationalist pig.

Glossy – Um…. well, that gets things off to a rousing start! As long as we are on the subject, why did your family come to America?

Mrs. Tsarnaev – We came here to experience the American Dream.

Glossy – Oh, you mean experiencing freedom and the importunity to make your lives better? Read more Exclusive – An Interview With Mrs. Tsarnaev- Mother Of The Boston Bombers

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Welcome to CatMatch.com

Exciting news from Match.com, the world’s largest online match-making service. Since our launch in 1995, our goal has been to help men and women find their perfect someone.

To date we have found matches for several million people – and successful matches for over 50 of them.

But why should humans be the only ones supported in finding their soulmates? That’s why we are proud to announce our newest service: CatMatch.com, the first online matchmaking service for cats. No longer will your favorite feline need to prowl the alley for a suitable mate. Read more Welcome to CatMatch.com

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Guy Desperate for Job Will Take Anything That Doesn’t Make Him Question Self Worth

Jacob Ericsson is broke and about to be homeless.

But he’s looking for work and will accept any offers as long as he’s not “too good” for the job.

Ericsson made a plea for any and everyone to e-mail him leads for jobs around Los Angeles, adding he probably wouldn’t follow up on positions with a long commute or where he’d be embarrassed to be seen by ex-girlfriends. Read more Guy Desperate for Job Will Take Anything That Doesn’t Make Him Question Self Worth

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Oregon Man Successfully Hides Chin from Wife

Portland, OR—The vanity of the world is reaching new heights, or should I say lows.

Recently in the news, a Korean husband divorced his wife when she birthed an ugly child, an Indian woman left her husband when she discovered he couldn’t spell, and a Mexican man, hell-bent on singlehandedly populating the world, abandoned his wife when he learned she was secretly using birth control. Read more Oregon Man Successfully Hides Chin from Wife

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What Would Allah Do?

If the Shi’ites were fighting the Sunni’s what would Allah want?

He say for them to lay down their arms and realize that they are brothers of the same faith.

If a Moslem country’s leaders were demonizing other countries to make them look bad, what would Allah do?

He would say ”My children, look to your own lives and the ways to improve it. Do not cast your sight abroad to look for the sins your own soul reflects.” Read more What Would Allah Do?

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