Lady Gaga Has Second Thoughts About Her “Do What You Want (With My Body)” Duet With R. Kelly.

Lady Gaga now regrets the song she did together with the popular pervert, proliferator of pubescent pornography and deflowerer of underage girls and perhaps small furry animals R. Kelly. The Ga now says of her 2013 conjugal ditty that ‘Do What You Want With My Body’ now disturbs her terribly. “Not only did we sing it, we did it.” confessed the singer fresh from her Golden Globe victory with the song “Shallow.”

And shallow she was when she trusted R. Kelly. And naive.

Part of her lyrics in the song were “Do what you want, don’t stop, let’s party.” And party Kelly did. On her body.

“It was beyond weird. It was humiliating. And sticky.” The Lady says that R. Kelly took the song and her body literally and violated it in imaginative ways we cannot mention here. Let’s just say that it involved such sexual modifications as shell-less snails, extra strong horseradish sauce, hugely oversized baby pacifiers, rubber, fur-less orangutan mannequins, high density motor oil infused with aloe vera and lavender, shaved chinchillas, rubber gloves with various angled attachments, peppermint flavored whipped cream with Tabasco and unusually flexible kitchen utensils. She claims he assaulted her various bodily orifices and protuberances with a lust that stretched horrendously and obscenely the meaning of the term ‘perversity.’

Says Gaga of the ordeal, “Years of therapy has finally given me the courage to speak out against this barbaric monstrosity of a human being. He seems to think that if someone or something has a hole in it that he has a right to it. His ‘manhood’ should be listed by the police as a weapon!”

When asked for a comment Kelly stated, “Hey man, it was just nature, ya know?! I was just a guy doin’ a guy thing! What’s to get so upset about? Men got the plugs and women got the sockets, no matter how young they are. That’s Nature. They are there to be used, right? So why not? Even my 15 year old ex wife Aaliyah did an album titled, “Age Ain’t Nothing But A Number.”

He then started to rap-

”Every guy is born with a rocket
and wants a place where he can dock it
he sure don’t want to stick it in his pocket.”

“It’s a man’s own special sprocket
so he searches for a socket
so fast you that could clock it.”

“But if she should knock it
resist or try to block it
or even begin to mock it

“Then he should take his rocket
and away with it should walk it
and in passing just say “Oh, fock it!”

Kelly then presented some camera photos of his famous usages to the reporter of this article who promptly wretched all over them, upsetting Kelly.

“Dude! What the hell is wrong with you? Don’t you like Nature?”

Author: rfreed

I was born and I died. Being a disembodied entity makes it very cheap for me to get by. Not having to worry about eating or having a place to live gives me a lot of freedom to squander my time writing occasionally funny articles. See more almost funny stuff at