Glossy News Exclusive Leak! ‘Rudy Giuliani Defense’ Finally Revealed!

Washington, DC- After months of seemingly incoherent and contradictory explanations, including this weekends bombshell revelation by the Presidents personal lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, who admitted in a televised interview on Sunday, that President Donald Trump had ongoing contact with Vladimir Putin-connected Russians for the duration of his Presidential campaign… Some recently leaked Trump Organization internal documents reveal key details regarding the strategy behind the President’s unorthodox defense. We spoke to a source within the Trump Organization, who verified these details on the condition of anonymity.

According to series of emails sent on April 8th of 2017, two (unidentified) White House lawyers were growing more and more concerned with the direction of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation, and had made the determination that if the investigation continued to proceed on it’s current trajectory, the President and his children, were likely to face criminal charges in the months leading up to the 2018 mid-term election.

“This whole (Donald Trump) Jr. thing ends in with ALL the Trumps in a Pen..” one lawyer wrote, “or in front of a firing squad. It’s one thing to lie to the public about these matters, it’s another to lie before congress like Jr. did,” apparently referring to Congressional testimony provided by the President’s oldest son. “Didn’t help that Dad manufactured the details of the (false) account, or that the initial denial Jr. released was in Dads handwriting.”

“Don’t worry about that part,” the other lawyer replied, “I’ve got that debacle covered. There are assurances within Congress that this particular detail is a non issue. What we need to do is focus on our next move. Public sentiment seems to imply that most Americans support the investigation, and that is a ‘YUGE’ problem. While the Presidents credibility wavers on a weekly basis, the SC (Special Counsel) seems to hold fairly static. Got any ideas on addressing this issue?”

“Indeed, I’m two steps ahead of you on that one. Got a fucking ace up my sleeve.”

“Care to share?”

“Rudy Giuliani.”

“Giuliani? You better elaborate.”

“Sure.  Are you aware of the California Statute known as Ineffective Assistance of Counsel? It’s a law designed to protect individuals from the unlikely instance that their lawyer is either incompetent or corrupted, to an extent that it prohibits said client from receiving a fair and adequate defense. There’s a similar Federal Statute that says essentially the same thing.”

“Yeah, I’m familiar with the law but… Giuliani isn’t the President’s counsel.”

“Not yet, not until April 19th. On that date, the President will announce he’s hired ‘America’s Mayor’ to be his legal spokesman.”

“No way. Tell me your joking. He’s the worst. I don’t want to spread unverified rumors, but I’ve heard the man drinks like a gallon of rubbing alcohol a day.”

“Two Gallons, actually… And not even the good stuff. He prefers the CVS Brand.”

“How the fuck is that gonna help us?’

“C’mon man, isn’t it obvious. We’re gonna send Giuliani out there to discuss the Presidents role in every single scandal that emerges. You’ve talked to the man before, right? He’s as incoherent as they get.  Not only does he forget what he said like two minutes ago, but he’s always bugging his eyes and making weird dinosaur noises. We’ll send him out, have him state the Presidents position, then send the President out to contradict Giuliani at every turn. When this thing goes to trial, we’ll do the same thing.”

“How? What, are we going to object to questioning from our own counsel during the trial?”

“Exactly. We’ll contradict him at every turn. Then, after the circus (trial), if the SC comes up with a conviction, we’ll have the President and Giuliani both found incompetent from a world renowned psychiatrist.”

“Will that actually work?”

“Who cares. It’ll certainly prolong the situation long enough to either get the President and his kids out of the country, or keep this thing wrapped up in appeals and deliberations for the rest of the Presidents life. I mean, the guy eats like six Fillet McMac’s a day. His cholesterol level is high enough to kill both of us. They say the Presidency shave’s a decade off of a man’s life. We’re gonna test that theory. The object is not exoneration at this point. That’s a losing effort. It’s delay, delay, delay; distract, distract, distract.”

“Alright, I like where you’re going with this. A couple years of people hearing the President and Giuliani telling wildly different stories should improve the President’s credibility at the very least.”

“Exactly.”

According to our source, the strategy was originally developed by the late Johnny Cochran, who became a household name while defending O.J. Simpson for the murder of his ex-wife and her friend. Cochran had realized early on that the evidence against Simpson was more than enough for any reasonable jury to convict, and that the only way his client was going to win was to employ an alternative strategy. While Cochran was never forced to employ his alternative strategy due to incompetence by the prosecution (the glove) racist statements from one of the prosecutions key witnesses (Mark Furman), and various other factors (including grand standing by Judge Lance Ito), the contingency was put in place and ready to be activated at anytime.

“It was the whole reason they brought in F. Lee Bailey,” the insider told me. “Bailey used to drink like a fish. The man had a full working still in the trunk of his Caddie. His drink of choice was distilled gasoline, but in a pinch he was known to drink gas straight from the pump. It was thought if the trial got too sideways, Bailey would be moved to the Lead Counsel, then, if a guilty verdict was reached, Bailey would (conveniently) be arrested in the parking lot of the court house for driving under the influence (DUI). After that the appeal process would begin under the pretense of the Ineffective Assistance of Counsel Statute.”

At the time of this articles publishing, Rudy Giuliani has spent the last two days backtracking and contradicting his weekend statements. Many observers have wondered if there was any method to Giuliani’s madness.  Well… it appears that the answer is a resounding no.  But apparently, that’s the point!

Author: Fort Nag

Fort Nag is a Sociopath, Poet, and Speculative Satirist who lives in Sacramento, CA, USA. "I like to write about a would that shouldn't exist, but does. Writing satire has taught me that we are all fucked. So lube up, it's gonna get messy."

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