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Common Purpose? – Dial 666

Common Purpose? – Dial 666

There are now legions of people in the UK cognisant that the planned Kaflaesque-Orwellian European Union Superstate – following the manipulated ratification of the Lisbon Treaty – is just a matter of time and not one of ‘what if’ but simply ‘when’. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism0 Comments

Cops Can’t be Trusted with Fines

Cops Can’t be Trusted with Fines

According to a report just released by the UK’s Manky Magistrates Commission the nation’s Plod Squads cannot be trusted to hand out summary justice and will act as “Prosecutor, Judge and Jury” if given further God-like powers to issue on-the-spot fines for simple civil offences – and more serious crimes such as arson, rape or putting your wheelie bin out too early. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crooked Cops, Society0 Comments

Sneezy Pig Flu Panic Call Centres Close

Sneezy Pig Flu Panic Call Centres Close

The UK’s legion of Oinkyitis H1N1 pig flu emergency call centres are to close just weeks after opening because staff have been spending most of their time playing cards and board games and generally sitting around scratching their arses – and getting paid for doing sweet FA. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Health0 Comments

Teachers Stigmatize Pupils Due Birth Names

Teachers Stigmatize Pupils Due Birth Names

Shit-for-brains UK teachers with an NVQ1 diploma in Advanced Guesswork claim they can tell which pupils are likely to play up or be the local Anti-Christ incarnate simply by looking at their names – according to a recent government survey. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Strange People3 Comments

Arkansas Mum Has 19th Nervous Breakdown

Arkansas Mum Has 19th Nervous Breakdown

Bobbie-Joe Muffitch from Twattown, Arkansas, is expecting her 19th new arrival in March next year. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Television1 Comment

NHS Euthanasia Policy a Real Killer

NHS Euthanasia Policy a Real Killer

As New Labour’s plan to slash the National Health Service workforce by 10% – from doctors to drudges – encounters caustic criticism, the Department of Ill-Health mandarins switch tracks and are now ordering nursing staff to cut all palliative care of elderly patients and promote a policy of drastic Nazi-era euthenasia to make ends meet. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health0 Comments

False Flag Burka Gang Strike Again

False Flag Burka Gang Strike Again

A burka-clad man – or woman – was part of a gang of armed raiders being hunted by police after pirate DVDs worth an estimated £100 were stolen from the Smegmadale branch of Cockbuster Video. Continue Reading

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Posted in Society, Strange People0 Comments

Zagat: Prison Grub Beats Hospital Food

Zagat: Prison Grub Beats Hospital Food

Researchers from the government’s Institute for Wasting Time & Money have recently decided that the food provided in HM Prisons is better than in NHS hospitals – which ultimately may support the pointless argument that people live longer in prisons than they do in hospitals. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, World News0 Comments

Police Chief Faces Racist Probe from “Damn Darkies”

Police Chief Faces Racist Probe from “Damn Darkies”

According to a report leaked to the Daily Shitraker by an anonymous source inside the Metropolitan Police Authority (Sergeant Candida Muffrot) an independent investigation has begun into claims of racism against Ms. Catherine Crawfish, the 95-year old Gorgonesque chief executive of the MPA. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crooked Cops, Society0 Comments

Fat Camp for Porky Kids Opens to Poor Food Reviews

Fat Camp for Porky Kids Opens to Poor Food Reviews

Reporters from the Daily Shitraker have uncovered a secret plan formulated by Sir Erwin Bogbrush – New Labour’s Minister for Orwellian Studies – to send overweight children on a draconian NHS enforced slimming regime. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Kidz Zone0 Comments

Literal Dog Gang Finally Collared

Literal Dog Gang Finally Collared

A pack of mutts known locally as the Manky Mongrel Gang have been arrested by a joint action team of police and the RSPCA’s elite Canine Squad officers following the discovery of £3,000 of stolen pet food during a raid on a Kennel Lane property at Barking in Essex. Continue Reading

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Posted in Strange People, World News0 Comments

Video Kid Struggles w/ Basic Shooting Principles

Video Kid Struggles w/ Basic Shooting Principles

We all have our jobs to do around the Perplexing Times offices, and we all do them, time permitting, to the best of our ability. Well, maybe not the best of our abilities, but certainly to the best of our interest in doing so. This staff Videographer we hired, however, is really mooking up the works with his inattention to detail. Continue Reading

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Posted in Kidz Zone0 Comments

Innovative Cops Boost Income by Robbing Cars

Innovative Cops Boost Income by Robbing Cars

While there’s nothing unusual about discovering items of value have been stolen from unlocked (or locked) parked cars – including the actual car wheels or engine – or the car itself – by opportunist thieving Pikey scallies during the deepening recession, it may well come as a bit of a surprise to learn the ‘culprit’ was a member of your local Plod Squad. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crooked Cops, Society0 Comments

Anti-Graft Boss Caught Elbow-Deep in Graft

Anti-Graft Boss Caught Elbow-Deep in Graft

Campaigners have condemned the reappointment of the head of Kenya’s anti-corruption agency – the KACC (pronounced ‘cack’) – by the 105-year old President Dogbone Meow Kitkatbar. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crooked Cops, World News0 Comments

NHS E-Mail Reply Three Years Late

NHS E-Mail Reply Three Years Late

The National Health Service has apologised after writing to a man to address various concerns over his hospital medical treatment – three-and-half years after he kicked the bucket and went aloft to join the Choir Invisible. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Internets Tubes0 Comments

Cloak of Death Nets $1M at Sotheby’s Auction

Cloak of Death Nets $1M at Sotheby’s Auction

New York, NY – The New York office of Sotheby’s has disclosed that the original Cloak of Death, worn by Death himself, has been auctioned off for the amazing sum of $1M. The cloak was reportedly put up for auction by the heirs of one of the last surviving members of Hitler’s Third Reich, who wanted nothing to do with the cloak’s dark history. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, Strange People0 Comments

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