God Gay

In a stunning revelation that is set to turn the Christian world on its head, Almighty God has admitted that He is a homosexual.

The Lord Above also talked at length about the “steamy and tumultuous relationship” He has had with another male deity over the past 1,462 years, but would not be drawn on His lover’s identity.

The news will come as an enormous blow to a large sect of the Christian faith, who regard homosexuality as a mortal sin – something that God Himself was quick to refute in an emergency address to His believers this morning.

“I have to put the record straight on homosexuality”, he said. “The amount of times I hear that being gay is sinful, immoral or unnatural. If you’re so hung up on homosexuality being unnatural then quit with your tanning beds and your hair dye!”.

He continued: “I am not going to hide in the closet any longer! Either you accept me for who I am or…or…I’ll send you all to Hell!”

Just hours after God’s incredible revelation, it has been reported that thousands of divorce papers have been filed by Christians seeking to explore the gay relationships they have spent many years pretending not to want.

In a heart-warming moment, talk-show host Rush Limbaugh was today photographed joyfully walking through Central Park holding hands with a 17-year-old boy, while presidential hopeful Michelle Bachmann has reportedly been approached to perform “a raunchy photoshoot for Qr Magazine.”

“If being gay is God’s will, then I am I am truly proud to call myself gay”, said Mr Limbaugh. “After all, the good lord is deep inside all of us”.

Meanwhile, amid the ensuing chaos following God’s announcement, 47 of the 50 American States say they would consider state-wide bans on straight marriage, while adoption agencies across the western world have received a 10,000% increase in the volume of incoming calls.

Author: Laurence Brown

Laurence Brown is an award-winning comedic journalist based in Indianapolis, Indiana, who has edited several satirical news papers since 1999. Hailing from the United Kingdom, he has also written plays and short stories. He has a bachelor's degree in English and Creative Writing from Lancaster University. This article was originally published by The Indy Tribune.