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Americans Relieved to See a Tragedy Not Related to a Crazed Gunman

Americans Relieved to See a Tragedy Not Related to a Crazed Gunman

Everywhere, United States- Americans shared a collective sigh of relief this week when they discovered that a tragic explosion in Texas had nothing to do with a crazed individual maliciously seeking violence amongst the population.

There had been such a long standing trend in recent months where havoc was being wrought. A fertilizer plant explosion in Texas alleviated a lot of fears held by most Americans.

“Although this fatal explosion in western Texas killed and injured innocent Americans, the nation can rest easily knowing it had nothing to do with an emotionally unstable individual,” Obama stated addressing the nation after the calamity on Thursday.

RIGHT: Americans are all happier knowing that other things can kill them besides terrible Americans (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

The country shared his sentiments. Ruth Glastenburg of Duluth, North Dakota expressed how she was “glad to know such adverse circumstances could come from corporate negligence,” and not from, “some whack job who makes all gun owners look bad,” while she was cleaning her Remington twelve-gauge shotgun.

Jeremy Stanton from Kansas City, Missouri expressed his relief that he could “finally go back to being afraid of natural disasters and industrial accidents.”

These were just a few statements collected from a wide range of American citizens who feel comfortable enough to leave their house without fear of being mowed down by gunfire.

“I know those behind the Boston bombings are still evading law enforcement,” says Deborah Shultz, mother of two young children, “but at least now I feel safe enough to let my children go to school without my constant fear of a disgruntled psychopath possibly harming them.”

Michael D. Brown, director of Federal Emergency Management Agency expressed to a press conference earlier today, “I realize that FEMA typically catches a bad rap when disaster strikes, but it has been a particularly slow press season for us.” He went on to add that “Super Storm Sandy was the biggest story we had to deal with, and even then, nobody blamed us for unparalleled neglect.” He ended the conference by explaining that “the Senate really look like the chumps of D.C. By letting that gun thing flop. It’s a good day to be director of FEMA.”

Director of Homeland security, Janet Napolitano, reminded Americans that “this is no cause for letting our guard down. The Department of Homeland Security is hard at work making sure that the plethora of guns still available on the streets of the country will keep us safe from any outside threat.” She also stated that “there are plenty of predator drones flying through the skies right now to counter-act any would be crazed gun men.”

The president is scheduled to travel to Texas to the site of the cataclysm to remind Americans of a simpler time when our main cause for concerns were oil spills, hurricanes, and terrorists. He is not expected to comment on the utter lack of ability to pass any stringent gun policy.

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- who has written 44 posts on GlossyNews.com.

I'm a stand-up comedian, author of "The Alphabet of Everything I Hate," an artist of sorts, and a rouge writer who's got a weird thing for oxford commas... like, really weird. Like three x's weird. Follow me @velezerraptor on twitter

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One Response to “Americans Relieved to See a Tragedy Not Related to a Crazed Gunman”

  1. Ian Turbio says:

    These two twins just want/need to let me tap them multiple times everyday forever!!!!!

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