New Theme Park, ‘Stand Your Ground Land’ Opens Up in Orlando

New Theme Park, ‘Stand Your Ground Land’ Opens Up in Orlando

ORLANDO, FL- Amidst the controversy of the recent verdict in the Zimmerman trial, the National Rifle Association has opened up a new theme park in the popular tourist location of Orlando, Florida. The theme park features a drive through safari inhabited by at risk, inner city youth. Although the park has been under scrutiny for this segment of their theme park, they also have been scrutinized for their section of the park themed after the literary classic, The Most Dangerous Game. Continue Reading

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Power Wheels Offer Green Solution

Power Wheels Offer Green Solution

NEW YORK- Mattel, parent company of the popular toy brand Power Wheels, has announced their bid in to the economic future of this country. They have announced a partnership with the Ford Motor Company to begin selling Power Wheels on their car lots. Continue Reading

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Pope Francis Caught Touching Children Appropriately

Pope Francis Caught Touching Children Appropriately

VATICAN CITY- Allegations arose today as some parents of affected children have come out and told reporters about the lack of abuse shown to their children, directly correlated to Pope Francis.

“When he kisses them, it’s on their forehead, and always followed by a blessing or a prayer,” says one Catholic watchdog reporter. “It’s unlike anything we have ever seen before. Benedict at least had that Nazi youth look in his eye when he was around children, with this guy, there’s nothing.” Continue Reading

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Pope Francis Caught Touching Children Appropriately

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Domestic Terrorists Enraged Foreigners are Taking Their Jobs

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Domestic Terrorists Enraged Over Foreigners Taking Their Jobs

Domestic Terrorists Enraged Over Foreigners Taking Their Jobs

BAGGS, WYOMING- Notable domestic terror organizations are taking offence to the recent terror activities perpetrated by immigrants. These domestic terror organizations are characterized by their preference of white superiority and characterization of Jesus as a blue eyed, blond haired savior.

Their concerns have risen over the intolerable acts committed by Dzokhar and Tamerlan Tsarnaev, the brothers whose family emigrated from Kyrgyzstan when they were young. Continue Reading

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Americans Relieved to See a Tragedy Not Related to a Crazed Gunman

Americans Relieved to See a Tragedy Not Related to a Crazed Gunman

Everywhere, United States- Americans shared a collective sigh of relief this week when they discovered that a tragic explosion in Texas had nothing to do with a crazed individual maliciously seeking violence amongst the population.

There had been such a long standing trend in recent months where havoc was being wrought. A fertilizer plant explosion in Texas alleviated a lot of fears held by most Americans. Continue Reading

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CDC Announces Lower Cases Of Linsainty in 2013

CDC Announces Lower Cases Of Linsainty in 2013

Atlanta – The Center for Disease Control announced today that the terrible fever of Linsanity that swept New York City last year has finally subsided.

Doctors say they feared the disease would spread to Houston, but were relived to find the disease had not spread.

“There were legitimate fears that Linsanity would be across the country by now,” says lead lab analyst Caprice Jenkins. “After Jeremy Lin’s trade to Houston, we thought for sure we’d find it there. Not to mention, every one in this office thought he would be traded long before the deadline, obviously increasing the chances of the infection spreading to another major metropolitan area.”

RIGHT: Jeremy Lin spreads Linsanity simply by touching basketballs (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

The CDC ensured certain measures were taken to limit the potentially devastating effects of Linsanity, although some things were a happy accident.

“Thankfully the people of Houston don’t care for basketball,” explains Dr. Thomas Freiden. “Even the people who are in the Toyota Center at the same time as Jeremy Lin tend to be texting, having a conversation with those around, or eating. This results in a limited exposure to Jeremy Lin, which has reduced cases of Linsanity indefinitely.”

When asked about the possibility of future contamination, Dr. Frieden responded by saying “Absolutely. These things are bound to pop up from time to time. I’m sure the Rockets can find a better starting point guard. How do you think James Harden feels? Westbrook and Maynor for Lin? I’ve played some Harvard boys in five-on-five pick up games, and let me tell you, if Houston knows whats good for them, they’ll trade him.”

Despite Jeremy Lin’s above average numbers, and a seemingly coherent fast break system; experts say he is overpaid, and a collegiate prospect away from being on the move.

In the event of a possible trade for Jeremy Lin, the CDC reassured the public that they would be ready. What they hope for is that he will move to another city that has good basketball programs to attract him, but no media market share. Ideal places for Jeremy Lin to sink in to obscurity are Minneapolis and Milwaukee.

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Intelligence Suggests France May Have a Military

Intelligence Suggests France May Have a Military

Washington DC- Senior pentagon officials have released a statement where they have confirmed the long speculated existence of a French military.

“We were just scanning Africa, you know, because we were bored,” says an off the record source. “And because we were especially bored, we happened to scan over Mali. You would not believe what we found there. A French military.”

Other sources verify the claims made by US Military intelligence.

“There, in fact, seems to be some sort of military capability coming from France,” Explains Sierra Santiago of the American Red Cross.

RIGHT: Silly hats have been a clear distinction of tracking down French military personel.
(CLICK TO ENLARGE)

“We were just responding to a request of the Malian government in regards to prisoners of war. Then it turns out, the French were the ones who captured them. Go figure.”

Although the French Military has been typically regarded as a welcoming committee by many respectable historians and the public alike.

When asked about the possibility of the existence of a French military threat, President Barack Obama responded after a brief moment of laughter. He said, “I have met with the French prime minister, and he reassured me that they did not have a military.”

Jean-Marc Ayrault, Prime Minister of France, responded by reassuring the international community that France does indeed have a capable and powerful military. He then hastily drew a picture of a tank and insisted it was satellite footage.

Secretary of Defense, Leon Panetta reassured a room full of wrestles reporters that, “ It doesn’t matter if they do or do not have a military. I remain fairly confident that it would have very little impact utilized in any capacity.”

Francios Hollande, President and Commander in Chief of the French military pleaded, “Does every one think Al-Quaeda of the Maghreb just left Gao?”

This drew nothing but blank stares from the reporters present at the press conference.

Hollande responded by exclaiming, “It’s the biggest city in Mali!”

When questioned about the ordeal, Vice President Joe Biden commented by saying, “French Military? You mean French manicure, ha. Am I right? Seriously, French military is an oxymoron. Its pretty easy to attack Libya when you got our kick ass drones backing you up.”

At this time, the speculations still remain uncorroborated with high profile arguments going either way. Although there seems to be hard evidence for the existence of a French military, there doesn’t seem to be much effect from it.

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Harbaugh Mother Still Not Impressed With “Harbowl”

Harbaugh Mother Still Not Impressed With “Harbowl”

Toledo, Ohio- Sunday night, NFL history was made again when the first set of brothers who are head coaches face off in Super Bowl XLVII. Jim Harbaugh, head coach of the San Fransisco 49ers and John Harbaugh, head coach of the Baltimore Ravens will meet in New Orleans with the love and support of all their fans, that is, except their mother.

Jackie Harbaugh, mother of the two history making coaches explains how she “never much cared for football.”

“They were always so smart,” she continues.

“Why couldn’t they be the most successful bother-doctors, or open up a law firm. Harbaugh and Harbaugh, they play hardball. That would make such a great commercial.”

RIGHT: The Harbaugh brothers have refused to look eachother in the eyes until one can taunt the other (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

When asked about his wife’s disappointment, Jim and John’s father Jack Harbaugh said, “Eh, you know women. Always nagging, am I right. Hey, let me show you some of my trophies from my playing career, I’ve got some pretty good ones. You know, I was a coach too.”

When asked about which team she would be rooting for, she told reporters “I don’t even know what teams are in the super bowl.”

Sports analysts say that this could make the brothers’ competition for their mother’s affection more prominent than any time before.

“Thanksgiving was already tense enough, I’m not sure what the added pressure from the biggest game of the year will bring,” says sports reporter Woody Paige.

All football experts are saying that the number one x factor of this game will be which son loves his mom more, and is willing to get her attention.

“You know, Judy Beakman, this woman who lives down the street from me. One of her sons is the top insurance salesman in all of Toledo. His face is on the park bench.” Jackie Harbaugh tells the Associated Press. “Her other son, well. I don’t want to sound too star struck, but I actually met him. He is the guy who almost won Biggest Loser last season. Oh I was so excited.”

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President Obama Trapped in Hope/Change Related Scandal

President Obama Trapped in Hope/Change Related Scandal

GlossyNews.com – Washington D.C.- After many years of speculation, allegations arose concerning the Presidents abuse of Hope. While sources closest to the president could not confirm or deny these allegations, some senior level advisers have come forward with their suspicions.

“Sometimes, he just sits at the desk, dreaming of a brighter tomorrow,” says Senior adviser David Axlerod. Continue Reading

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Romney Threatens to Fire  Crowley, Crowd, and China

Romney Threatens to Fire Crowley, Crowd, and China

VILLAGE OF HAMPSTEAD, NEW YORK- The second presidential debate was the scene of chaos as Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney threatened to fire the moderator, debate participants, and an entire nation on Tuesday night.

Mitt Romney suffered a severe short circuit from over clocking his platform processor, a microchip that allows him to process his policy changes quickly.

This lead to an inevitable overload when Romney was presented with paradoxes, like what he was told to be truth from trusted advisers, could actually be wrong. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Television6 Comments

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