New Theme Park, ‘Stand Your Ground Land’ Opens Up in Orlando

ORLANDO, FL- Amidst the controversy of the recent verdict in the Zimmerman trial, the National Rifle Association has opened up a new theme park in the popular tourist location of Orlando, Florida. The theme park features a drive through safari inhabited by at risk, inner city youth. Although the park has been under scrutiny for this segment of their theme park, they also have been scrutinized for their section of the park themed after the literary classic, The Most Dangerous Game. Read more New Theme Park, ‘Stand Your Ground Land’ Opens Up in Orlando

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Pope Francis Caught Touching Children Appropriately

VATICAN CITY- Allegations arose today as some parents of affected children have come out and told reporters about the lack of abuse shown to their children, directly correlated to Pope Francis.

“When he kisses them, it’s on their forehead, and always followed by a blessing or a prayer,” says one Catholic watchdog reporter. “It’s unlike anything we have ever seen before. Benedict at least had that Nazi youth look in his eye when he was around children, with this guy, there’s nothing.” Read more Pope Francis Caught Touching Children Appropriately

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Domestic Terrorists Enraged Over Foreigners Taking Their Jobs

BAGGS, WYOMING- Notable domestic terror organizations are taking offence to the recent terror activities perpetrated by immigrants. These domestic terror organizations are characterized by their preference of white superiority and characterization of Jesus as a blue eyed, blond haired savior.

Their concerns have risen over the intolerable acts committed by Dzokhar and Tamerlan Tsarnaev, the brothers whose family emigrated from Kyrgyzstan when they were young. Read more Domestic Terrorists Enraged Over Foreigners Taking Their Jobs

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Americans Relieved to See a Tragedy Not Related to a Crazed Gunman

Everywhere, United States- Americans shared a collective sigh of relief this week when they discovered that a tragic explosion in Texas had nothing to do with a crazed individual maliciously seeking violence amongst the population.

There had been such a long standing trend in recent months where havoc was being wrought. A fertilizer plant explosion in Texas alleviated a lot of fears held by most Americans. Read more Americans Relieved to See a Tragedy Not Related to a Crazed Gunman

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CDC Announces Lower Cases Of Linsainty in 2013

Atlanta – The Center for Disease Control announced today that the terrible fever of Linsanity that swept New York City last year has finally subsided.

Doctors say they feared the disease would spread to Houston, but were relived to find the disease had not spread.

“There were legitimate fears that Linsanity would be across the country by now,” says lead lab analyst Caprice Jenkins. “After Jeremy Lin’s trade to Houston, we thought for sure we’d find it there. Not to mention, every one in this office thought he would be traded long before the deadline, obviously increasing the chances of the infection spreading to another major metropolitan area.”

RIGHT: Jeremy Lin spreads Linsanity simply by touching basketballs (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

The CDC ensured certain measures were taken to limit the potentially devastating effects of Linsanity, although some things were a happy accident.

“Thankfully the people of Houston don’t care for basketball,” explains Dr. Thomas Freiden. “Even the people who are in the Toyota Center at the same time as Jeremy Lin tend to be texting, having a conversation with those around, or eating. This results in a limited exposure to Jeremy Lin, which has reduced cases of Linsanity indefinitely.”

When asked about the possibility of future contamination, Dr. Frieden responded by saying “Absolutely. These things are bound to pop up from time to time. I’m sure the Rockets can find a better starting point guard. How do you think James Harden feels? Westbrook and Maynor for Lin? I’ve played some Harvard boys in five-on-five pick up games, and let me tell you, if Houston knows whats good for them, they’ll trade him.”

Despite Jeremy Lin’s above average numbers, and a seemingly coherent fast break system; experts say he is overpaid, and a collegiate prospect away from being on the move.

In the event of a possible trade for Jeremy Lin, the CDC reassured the public that they would be ready. What they hope for is that he will move to another city that has good basketball programs to attract him, but no media market share. Ideal places for Jeremy Lin to sink in to obscurity are Minneapolis and Milwaukee.

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Intelligence Suggests France May Have a Military

Washington DC- Senior pentagon officials have released a statement where they have confirmed the long speculated existence of a French military.

“We were just scanning Africa, you know, because we were bored,” says an off the record source. “And because we were especially bored, we happened to scan over Mali. You would not believe what we found there. A French military.”

Other sources verify the claims made by US Military intelligence.

“There, in fact, seems to be some sort of military capability coming from France,” Explains Sierra Santiago of the American Red Cross.

RIGHT: Silly hats have been a clear distinction of tracking down French military personel.
(CLICK TO ENLARGE)

“We were just responding to a request of the Malian government in regards to prisoners of war. Then it turns out, the French were the ones who captured them. Go figure.”

Although the French Military has been typically regarded as a welcoming committee by many respectable historians and the public alike.

When asked about the possibility of the existence of a French military threat, President Barack Obama responded after a brief moment of laughter. He said, “I have met with the French prime minister, and he reassured me that they did not have a military.”

Jean-Marc Ayrault, Prime Minister of France, responded by reassuring the international community that France does indeed have a capable and powerful military. He then hastily drew a picture of a tank and insisted it was satellite footage.

Secretary of Defense, Leon Panetta reassured a room full of wrestles reporters that, “ It doesn’t matter if they do or do not have a military. I remain fairly confident that it would have very little impact utilized in any capacity.”

Francios Hollande, President and Commander in Chief of the French military pleaded, “Does every one think Al-Quaeda of the Maghreb just left Gao?”

This drew nothing but blank stares from the reporters present at the press conference.

Hollande responded by exclaiming, “It’s the biggest city in Mali!”

When questioned about the ordeal, Vice President Joe Biden commented by saying, “French Military? You mean French manicure, ha. Am I right? Seriously, French military is an oxymoron. Its pretty easy to attack Libya when you got our kick ass drones backing you up.”

At this time, the speculations still remain uncorroborated with high profile arguments going either way. Although there seems to be hard evidence for the existence of a French military, there doesn’t seem to be much effect from it.

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Harbaugh Mother Still Not Impressed With “Harbowl”

Toledo, Ohio- Sunday night, NFL history was made again when the first set of brothers who are head coaches face off in Super Bowl XLVII. Jim Harbaugh, head coach of the San Fransisco 49ers and John Harbaugh, head coach of the Baltimore Ravens will meet in New Orleans with the love and support of all their fans, that is, except their mother.

Jackie Harbaugh, mother of the two history making coaches explains how she “never much cared for football.”

“They were always so smart,” she continues.

“Why couldn’t they be the most successful bother-doctors, or open up a law firm. Harbaugh and Harbaugh, they play hardball. That would make such a great commercial.”

RIGHT: The Harbaugh brothers have refused to look eachother in the eyes until one can taunt the other (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

When asked about his wife’s disappointment, Jim and John’s father Jack Harbaugh said, “Eh, you know women. Always nagging, am I right. Hey, let me show you some of my trophies from my playing career, I’ve got some pretty good ones. You know, I was a coach too.”

When asked about which team she would be rooting for, she told reporters “I don’t even know what teams are in the super bowl.”

Sports analysts say that this could make the brothers’ competition for their mother’s affection more prominent than any time before.

“Thanksgiving was already tense enough, I’m not sure what the added pressure from the biggest game of the year will bring,” says sports reporter Woody Paige.

All football experts are saying that the number one x factor of this game will be which son loves his mom more, and is willing to get her attention.

“You know, Judy Beakman, this woman who lives down the street from me. One of her sons is the top insurance salesman in all of Toledo. His face is on the park bench.” Jackie Harbaugh tells the Associated Press. “Her other son, well. I don’t want to sound too star struck, but I actually met him. He is the guy who almost won Biggest Loser last season. Oh I was so excited.”

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President Obama Trapped in Hope/Change Related Scandal

GlossyNews.com – Washington D.C.- After many years of speculation, allegations arose concerning the Presidents abuse of Hope. While sources closest to the president could not confirm or deny these allegations, some senior level advisers have come forward with their suspicions.

“Sometimes, he just sits at the desk, dreaming of a brighter tomorrow,” says Senior adviser David Axlerod. Read more President Obama Trapped in Hope/Change Related Scandal

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Romney Threatens to Fire Crowley, Crowd, and China

VILLAGE OF HAMPSTEAD, NEW YORK- The second presidential debate was the scene of chaos as Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney threatened to fire the moderator, debate participants, and an entire nation on Tuesday night.

Mitt Romney suffered a severe short circuit from over clocking his platform processor, a microchip that allows him to process his policy changes quickly.

This lead to an inevitable overload when Romney was presented with paradoxes, like what he was told to be truth from trusted advisers, could actually be wrong. Read more Romney Threatens to Fire Crowley, Crowd, and China

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Suicide Bomber Gets Inspiration From Honey Boo Boo

TAIZZ, YEMEN- A suicide bomber was inspired to carry out acts of in excusable violence after the TLC affiliate in Yemen carried an episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

Il-Sha’if Musaad is a 27 year old engineering grad student who never necessarily saw himself as a terrorist.

In an interview, taped in the Yemen rural countryside on a hand held camera, Il-Sha’if said “I never really thought this would be a proper vocation for me. Actually, I thought I might some day live in America and enjoy the incalculable wealth every one hates. That is, until I saw this blasphemous filth.” Read more Suicide Bomber Gets Inspiration From Honey Boo Boo

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Biden Wins Debate With Tale of High School Football Game

DANVILLE, KENTUCKY- The Vice Presidential debate was a dramatic stage set for two men who would be a heart beat away from the highest office. It culminated in a speech by Vice President Biden, about a high school football game in which he excelled.

“So there we were, end of the fourth quarter, third and long. Any other team would have given up, but not us,” explained Biden as he looked in to the camera.

Paul Ryan was seen looking aimlessly in to the eyes of Joe Biden, as he tried finding a valid argument as to the relevance of the anecdote. There was none to be had. The nation had been seduced by the story, including Romney’s running mate. Read more Biden Wins Debate With Tale of High School Football Game

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Romney “Apologizes” to Obama After Debate Debacle

WASHINGTON DC- Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney sort of apologized to the president this week after the crushing debate performance he delivered, though it remains unclear as to whether Governor Romney actually knows what an apology is.

Although the political arena doesn’t mandate such an apology, Romney’s religious upbringing got the better of him as he humbly “apologized” for the thorough lashing he gave the president.

“Mitt has had a lot of practice with apologizing and knowing what an apology actuallt is, recently,” explained Matt Rhodes, senior Romney advisor.

“Not only did he deliver an excellent apology after politicizing the death of Ambassador Chris Stevens, and he really nailed it when he had to explain himself over the 47% thing the day after the debate. It was totally an underhanded apology that almost slipped by. Mitt’s been getting so good at it, he apologized to his wife after accidentally bringing her a caffeinated soda at a fund raising picnic, where he mingled with regular common people. It was a touching moment among many.”

Political analysts are wondering if Romney can keep up with his fast paced rate of apologizing. Some of his more notable apologies have reportedly been behind closed doors, especially after the debate.

He has been practicing apologizing to his base constituency for faltering on his platform so many times.

Romney appeared on Univision, a Spanish Language Channel, where he apologized to Hispanics for the tough talk on immigration during the primaries, but vowed to apologize more to them in his coming years as president.

Romney has also been seen apologizing to unemployed Americans, stating he was “sorry for the whole off-shore thing,” and that if he got their vote, he would “so get their jobs back for them.”

When asked about the apology, President Barack Obama commented, “It was nice and heart felt. Uh… He knew I was tired and had been keeping late nights… what with keeping the world from falling apart, and… cleaning up a rather… big mess left by… uh, Republicans.”

Paul Ryan has not been in favor of the recent streak of apologies, stating that “it shows weakness.”

“Ayn Rand would be spinning in her atheist grave right now listening to Romney bowing to people, many of whom don’t even pay taxes for the entitlements they feel they deserve.”

He also added, “did that come off as racist? Is that my first political gaff? I need to go do some P90x and sort all of this out, but you know what I mean about those people [who do not pay taxes].”

Senior White House advisor David Plouffe remarked on how happy he was to see Romney take a more humble approach. Plouffe went on to say, “As much as he’s apologizing for the lies, pandering, political polarizing, and suckering poor people in to a program that would marginalize their meager incomes, I don’t think I’ve heard him apologize to Jim Lerher or Big Bird for threatening to fire them.”

Mitt Romney will be in the swing state of Arkansas tomorrow speaking at a $5 a plate fundraiser held for the state’s wealthiest job creators.

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Romney Schedules Debate to Convince Country He is Still Running

WASHINGTON D.C.- Political insiders have confirmed that not only is republican candidate, Mitt Romney, debating president Obama on Wednesday, but he is still running for president.

Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan met a group of supporters for a fund raiser, announcing that they will still be in the running for the white house all the way up until November 6th.

“People can’t count us out until the election is over,” explains Matt Rhodes, campaign advisor to Mitt Romney.

“I know the country wouldn’t quite pick that up over the past couple of weeks, but we have been hard at work over in the Romney camp trying to adequately prepare a game plan to let America know that we are here until election day.” Read more Romney Schedules Debate to Convince Country He is Still Running

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Madden Players Association in Heated Lockout

GREENVILLE, NC – Sports media has covered many lockouts over the years, but have yet to address the major Madden ’13 lockout that is intensifying in many homes across the country.

The lockout occurred after EA sports stopped providing catered food services at their tournaments. This initial outrage has only grown.

“The life of a professional gamer isn’t as illustrious as people would believe,” stated Pete Gallagher, Director of the Madden Player Association, living in Greenville, North Carolina. Read more Madden Players Association in Heated Lockout

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All 15 Fans of Hockey Lament over Lockout

NEW YORK- The NHL lockout, well within its second week, has left most sports fans uninterrupted, except for the few that consider themselves a fan of hockey.

Although sources indicate that hockey is popular in other countries, it has never actualized itself as an enjoyable pastime in America. That is except for the fifteen fans that have gathered in front of the NHL head quarters in New York City to demand the team owners recognize the players’ demands.

“This is an out rage,” exclaims Doug Peterson. Read more All 15 Fans of Hockey Lament over Lockout

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Romney’s Tax Records Show He’s Working for President Obama

WASHINTON D.C.- The Romeny campaign had contested showing Mitt’s 2011 returns for so long, and once released, every one understood why.

Mitt Romney had been on the Obama campaign’s payroll for quite some time.

“Mitt did a really good job acting like he was a serious contender for the presidency,” explains David Axlerod.

“I think recently, it became apparent that he was actually working for us. I mean, what candidate would have so many gaffes if he didn’t work for the other team?” Read more Romney’s Tax Records Show He’s Working for President Obama

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Replacement Refs Replace Rules of Football

NEW YORK- Replacement referees, locked out referees, and team owners sat down on Monday to discuss disagreements that have arose over the first three weeks of the season. Sunday’s schedule was an outstanding example of just how creative the liberties were taken by the game officials.

The original referees are locked out after disputes over retirement plans and increased pay, the NFL has replaced them with less experienced referees, whom may have never seen a football before being employed by the NFL.

NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, explained in a press conference, “I like the out-of-the-box thinking used by some of our new officials. They also came at a good price.” Read more Replacement Refs Replace Rules of Football

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