Man crying

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Incels, short for “involuntary celibates”, are a self-proclaimed minority, formerly known as ‘Nice Guys,’ and their species is having a crisis. No matter how hard they work, how hard they whine, or how strenuously they manipulate, they can’t seem to get the ‘nookie.’ Incels are more than just neck-beards and fedoras. They’re an ancient beast, dating back to the rise of patriarchy itself.

Well, I’m here to tell you a thing or two about the dangers these creatures face. From the dark basements of their mothers’ houses to the big cities and wondrous plains of online gaming, incels inhabit a myriad of environments. It was once believed these creatures hailed from the mythical land of Friendzone, a storybook place where ‘Nice Guys’ were banished by a competing species referred to as ‘Bad Boys.’

Incels are harmless for the most part, spending the majority of their time locked away in solitary darkness, crying, and dreaming of women they could be preying on if they had the motivation to leave their homes. But if ignored, the incel will show its venomous fangs and screech its warning whines of self-pity unmatched throughout the animal kingdom.

Though the incel’s unique mating dance is defined by its pushy advances and colorful shades of insults designed to lure females into coitus, incels rarely procreate. In most species, this would lower their population, but incel numbers have grown in the past few years in a final push for survival, though a decrease in natural prey has weakened their stature.

Enticed by songs such as Peach Scone by Hobo Johnson & The Lovemakers, Treat You Better by Shawn Mendes, and So Need a Cute Girl by Chris Chan, incels have moved away from their previous reclusive habits to open grazing, (and, more importantly, defecating) all over the internet, a serious sign of poor health.

Specialists have learned to decode the wailing tones of the incel over hours spent sifting through scratch marks, creative insults, and comment sections –such as the one following this article, I’m sure– and authorities believe this animal is in real danger of extinction, with the largest threat being the evolution of the feminist.

Now the feminist, as powerful as it is intelligent, is equipped with tools of ruin for the incel animal. Freewill and decision making gives the feminist the ability to overcome patriarchal societal pressure and makes them difficult prey. They’re impervious to the poison charged insults of the celibate species and aren’t harmed by the incel’s most powerful attack, the ‘slut-shame to guilt trip to slut-shame to…well, you get the idea.’

Rich feelings of entitlement emitted from the incel’s pores have a limited effect on modern women, and zero effect on the feminist. Explosive mood swings and viewing women as sex-objects, once believed by incels to be their most enticing attributes, have proven useless camouflage in modern society.

How then, can this species survive an ever-changing world? With the invasion of their Reddit safety preserves, it seems that the answer is simple: it can’t. The day of the incel is dawning to a close. All the lovable woman-shaming and misogynistic banter will dwindle to nothing, women may never be coerced by fake friends, guilt trips will lose their power.

The environmental effects of this loss will be astronomical…

And, to tell you the truth, we can’t wait!

Author: Nicholas Vrchoticky