Scientists Discover Saying “It’s a Fact” Actually Does Make Anything True


University of California, Los Angeles — Throwing research papers 16.21 meters into the air, scientists at UCLA labs have given up on the scientific method in favor of a less obscure and less studied method of fact-finding. According to the lab’s newest study, anything can be true as long as one ends or begins a statement with the words “it’s a fact.”

The study was published in “Science Today, Cognitive Dissonance Tomorrow” magazine under the headline “Fine, You’re Right, I’m Tired of Arguing.” In the study, an undisclosed and not easily counted number of participants were shown evidence supporting a number of scientific theories, such as climate change, evolution, and the highly debated “The Earth is Round, You Idiots” theory. After several hours of participants scrolling through social media while pretending to read the packet of empirical evidence that lay before them, they were interviewed by an examiner.

All participants agreed they obviously knew more than the researchers who conducted the study. There was a broad range in answers, differing between each of the self-proclaimed “open-minded” subjects. When additional evidence was introduced to argue what the scientists believed to be incorrect answers within the completed questionnaires, some participants took time out of their busy lives to inform the lab’s now-easily-replaceable employees that they had “read the truth online.” When reporting their literacy levels — a question asked in their questionnaires — they used a common rubric containing answers such as a “doodle of a duck smoking a blunt” or “ABCD1234” (which we later realized was the password to their wifi networks).

We interviewed one participant who wanted to remain nameless since he was certain we were “members of the Illuminati trying to collect his brain jizz.” When asked why he believed his answers, compared to the scientists at UCLA, on the subject of climate change’s validity were correct, he answered:

It snowed in Iowa last month, idiot. Climate change is a hoax by big solar to get us to stop huffing gasoline.

When informed that 98% of scientists agree with the UCLA researchers, he responded:

Jesus, you’re dense. You can’t believe the media or those scientists. They’re all paid off, man. Watch a fucking Youtube video. Climate change is bullshit. It’s a fact.

At which point, he became correct under the newly discovered “Law of Repeatedly Arguing This Shit is Giving me an Ulcer” and the scientists were forced to concede.

Workers, no longer calling themselves “scientists” or “researchers,” since the terms have lost all meaning to the majority of the world, said they were “relieved” to not have to look at boring spreadsheets of data for hours on end anymore. And, they are “thankful” that all of knowledge has finally been figured out by billions of people deciding what was or wasn’t true on a whim.

When we asked the former head researcher Sarah Algrem her thoughts on the matter, she commented:

It’s just easier this way. I’m going home. If you need me, I’ll be in the shower drinking lab-grade ethanol and sobbing uncontrollably.

To make their study legitimate, labs have replicated the study around the world. Though, they won’t be publishing their results since peer review is “just a scam to get you to buy boring-ass magazines” anyway.

Author: Nicholas Vrchoticky