Archive | Science & Technologizzy

Never Kiss A Saber Toothed Squirrel.

Never Kiss A Saber Toothed Squirrel.

It isn’t often one sees a saber toothed squirrel.

Of course, it isn’t often one wants to see a saber toothed squirrel, but when one does see one it invariably leads to commentary. For instance: “Why the (bleep) does that squirrel have a saber tooth and how can he chew anything without sticking himself?” is often heard. Continue Reading

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Donald Trump Proves Existence of the Multiverse

Donald Trump Proves Existence of the Multiverse

In a groundbreaking pronouncement, the International Forum of Theoretical Physicists today stated that Donald Trump’s election confirmed the existence of the multiverse.

At a press conference held at the National Academy of Sciences, Belinda Suarez, IFTP’s executive director, declared that our plane of existence is only one of an infinite number of universes with distinct histories, thereby putting an end to decades of debate in the scientific community.

When pressed about the connection between Trump and the multiverse, Suarez stated that the U.S. presidential election results struck the scientific community as such an astronomically improbable event that they inspired some of the world’s leading mathematicians and physicists to calculate their likelihood.

Given Trump’s flagrant contempt for women, blacks, Hispanics, the LGBTQ community, Muslims, immigrants, disabled persons, war heroes, and basic human decency, the scientists discovered that the odds of his election were so prodigiously minute that they proved we reside in the only universe in the infinite multiverse where this could have possibly taken place.

Suarez stated that, “When scientists previously theorized about the multiverse, they postulated that anything that could possibly happen actually did, only in an alternate timeline. In other words, there’s a universe where Germany won the Second World War, another where Kim Kardashian is Pope, and a third where people eat nothing but asparagus. In some universes, humans have arms growing out of their foreheads or tank treads instead of feet. Literally every possible scenario exists in a reality separate from our own. It therefore struck us that, somewhere in some other universes, scientists were discussing the preposterous assertion that the United States would elect Donald Trump president. It turns out we were right. And they laughed at us.”

When pressed about who exactly “laughed at us,” Suarez replied with, “We built a machine to communicate with the other universes, and most of them laughed at us. We also received quite a few condolences. Pope Kim the First wrote us a very heartfelt epistle. The asparagus universe’s scientists are working on a device to ship us a bouquet of conciliatory… well… asparagus. We tried to dissuade them, but they insisted.”

Apparently, several universes remarked on our terrible situation, including one where people eat their own feces for breakfast, another where giant praying mantises evolved to become our autocratic masters, and a third where the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse hold sway over a shattered hellscape. They all thanked their respective gods/demons/insect overlords that they did not reside in our reality.

Asked if any universes expressed joy at Trump’s election, Suarez paused and responded “Well, the universe where Donald Trump is Emperor of the Moon thought it was pretty great.”

Suarez concluded her briefing by addressing how the scientific community planned to utilize this amazing discovery. “We’re working on a machine to transport us into literally any other universe. I personally want to get the hell out of here, and I’m sure many of you feel the same.”

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Politics, Science2 Comments

How Mountain Dew is Really Made [Video]

How Mountain Dew is Really Made [Video]

Mountain Dew is the Appalachian vitamin drink, but how do they really make it? The answer may very well surprise you, but it’s not that bad. You’ll see, it’s pretty good and pretty much safe.

Playlist of How It’s REALLY Made Videos

Transcript

Mountain Dew beloved for its healing properties, is a popular beverage but how do they really make it? Continue Reading

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Posted in Technology, Video News0 Comments

Galen Erso will Design Note8

Galen Erso will Design Note8

Seoul, South Korea: Samsung announced that they have a new Head of Engineering overseeing the design of the Galaxy Note8.

Galen Erso, the only engineer from the Note7 project deemed competent enough to avoid termination will be taking the helm of the so-called “Next Great Thing.” Continue Reading

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Android versus iPhone: Let’s Agree to Disagree

Android versus iPhone: Let’s Agree to Disagree

The Android versus iPhone debate has been persistent ever since the top selling smartphones became contenders. As with many types of technology, there are hardcore brand supporters who will not and cannot be persuaded to try something different. Continue Reading

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What’s Next for Wearables?

What’s Next for Wearables?

It’s probably fair to say that wearable technology hasn’t quite taken off in the way Samsung and Apple might have hoped. Continue Reading

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Google’s Daydream View Brings VR Home

Google’s Daydream View Brings VR Home

While there is a plethora of Virtual Reality (VR) headsets on the market, the new light, comfortable and stylish Daydream View by Google feels like a game changer. Continue Reading

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Ever Wanted to Burn Your Money? Well Now You Can

Ever Wanted to Burn Your Money? Well Now You Can

Ever spent so much that it literally felt like you were burning money? While it’s never a good idea to spend more than you can afford, the idea of burning your money isn’t quite as bad as it used to be. Of course, we’re not saying that you should unfold a wad of dollar bills and casually set them alight, but if you did it wouldn’t be the end of the world.

Why, we hear you cry? Well, thanks to the wonders of the Internet, you can now pay for almost anything and everything without using physical cash. In fact, you don’t even need to use a government-controlled currency such as the US Dollar or Great British Pound if you don’t want to.

Modern technology has literally revolutionized the payment world in recent years and by far the biggest innovation is cryptocurrencies. Essentially a monetary system created by the Internet and for the Internet, cryptocurrencies aren’t subject to any government sanctions and are an extremely efficient way to pay online. Continue Reading

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Saved by the Bell: When Your Phone Saves you from Boredom

Saved by the Bell: When Your Phone Saves you from Boredom

When the idea of the mobile phone was made a reality back in the early 1980s, it was done so with the aim of enabling people to make and receive calls from wherever they were. Continue Reading

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Pokemon-Go Craze Puts U.S. Elections in Doubt

Pokemon-Go Craze Puts U.S. Elections in Doubt

NEW YORK – The incredibly addictive Pokemon-Go app, which has sent countless millions of people out into the world to stare at their cell phones more than ever, has now put the U.S. Presidential elections in doubt.

Current CNN polls show that voter turnout will be at an all-time low (17%) as millions of registered voters see little point in voting for U.S. President while there are still so many fabulous Pokemon characters out there to catch.

“There’s an election like every four years, right? But Pokemon-Go is a once-in-a-lifetime event,” said Wayne Potman, 25, of Salt Lake City. “I’m not against voting, so if I’m out that day, and there happens to be a Poke-Stop or a really cool Gym right by the voting location, then I might go in to vote. Seriously. If the line is not too long.”

Pokemon-Go creator, Niantic, has promised to seed U.S. voting locations with PokeStops and rare Pokemons in a desperate effort to boost voter turnout. “We see this as a win-win and a no-brainer,” said Niantic spokesman Jesus Angleton Dulles. “We will do our part to try to resuscitate the dying American Republic through Pokemon and Pokemon-Go.”

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, Kidz Zone, Politics0 Comments

“Leap Centimetre” To Be Added To The Length Of The Metre In 2017

“Leap Centimetre” To Be Added To The Length Of The Metre In 2017

The International Bureau of Weights and Measures in Paris today announced that a “leap centimetre” would be added to the length of the metre at midnight on 31st December 2016.

‘People are familiar with the time correction that occurs in leap years,’ explained the Bureau’s Director, Professeur de l’Horloge, to BBC News, ‘but many are less aware of the periodic corrections required for the other three space-time dimensions.’

‘Time and space came into existence 13.75 billion years ago with the Big Bang,’ explained Professor Brian Cox, barging past the elderly Professeur de l’Horloge at the sight of a TV camera. ‘Space and time have been expanding ever since. Many people incorrectly believe,’ continued Professor Cox, ‘that objects in the Universe are accelerating away from each other due to the explosion of the Big Bang – rather like shrapnel travelling away from the site of an exploding grenade. In fact, objects in the Universe stay relatively still. It is space-time, itself, that is expanding.

‘We add an extra day in leap years to compensate for the additional time that has appeared during the previous four years,’ continued Professor Cox. ‘We increase the length of the metre whenever space has expanded by one centimetre per metre.’

Health officials on both sides of the Atlantic have expressed relief at news of the recalibration of the metre. ‘There is a lot of space inside the human body,’ explained UK Secretary of State for Health, Jeremy Hunt, ‘and we now realise that much of the, so called, obesity epidemic has been due to the expansion of that space in accordance with Einstein’s and Hubble’s predictions. People simply appear to be getting fatter due to the expansion of the Universe. The recalibration will correct this.’

Slimming organisations, however, have expressed concern about the recalibration. ‘We expect it to result in a reduction of four dress sizes for a typical woman,’ admitted a spokesperson for Weight Watchers. ‘Mr Einstein’s and Mr Hubble’s interference could result in the closure of many slimming clubs due to members feeling satisfied with their new measurements.’

Bon viveurs have been heartened to learn that there are cosmological and quantum mechanical formulae that explain their paunches. Some now even sport tee-shirts proudly proclaiming these equations. I am really a slim participant in an expanding universe reads a slogan on a typical, extra large tee-shirt.

Homeowners have generally reacted positively to the change. ‘Now that my front room is larger,’ explained a typical UK householder, ‘I can fit a bigger TV in. Also, that extra floor space in the garage makes it much easier to park the car. The downside,’ he added ‘is that council tax rates are based on floor area, and my house has been put into a higher rating band as a result of its increase in size.’

‘There have been some complaints from homeowners,’ admitted UK Housing Minister, Gavin Barwell, ‘about council tax rate increases that have resulted from the Universe expanding, rather than from traditional property extensions. However,’ he continued, ‘in a recent High Court judgement, it was concluded that rateable values could be increased on those grounds. The judges reasoned that, although the extra floor area caused by the expansion of space-time was not the fault of the homeowner, that person still benefited from increased room sizes. It must also be remembered,’ he concluded, ‘that the self same cosmic phenomenon has given householders additional time to pay their bills.’

Businessmen and holiday makers have also noticed increased costs. ‘Due to the expansion of space,’ explained a spokeswoman for American Airlines, ‘it is now further to fly to destinations. For example,’ she clarified, ‘from America, flying east, Spain is where Italy used to be. That has led to increased fuel costs, and hence an increase in the price of tickets. ‘Also,’ she concluded, ‘we have had to serve additional in-flight meals.’

Another group thrown into confusion by the expansion of the universe has been traffic police. ‘We used to be able to raise thousands of pounds for the Traffic Officers’ Social Club by stalking innocent motorists and awaiting minor speed infringements,’ confessed a traffic police spokesman. ‘Now defence solicitors call astrophysicists as witnesses. They cast doubt upon any evidence related to distance or time – and hence speed. Indeed, only last week, Professor Brian Cox argued, in a case at Winchester Crown Court, that a drink driving offence should be dismissed due to uncertainties about true blood alcohol content following from the local effect of universal space-time expansion on the volume of the defendant’s veins. Nobody else knew enough maths to challenge him, and so his view prevailed.’

‘Most people benefit from the expansion of space-time,’ confirmed a spokesperson for the International Bureau of Weights and Measures. ‘We are able to enjoy everything from wider roads and bigger beaches, to improved sex lives for those who have believed a certain anatomical feature to be too short. There is also more time to get things done. ‘Finally,’ she concluded, ‘people worry about what will happen to us all when space has expanded to the point where, for example, the refrigerator in the kitchen might be miles away from the microwave. Rest assured that this will not happen for many millions of years.’

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Star Sign Reassignment Continues To Promote Controversy

Star Sign Reassignment Continues To Promote Controversy

Astrologers remain divided about the increasing number of people choosing to undergo Star Sign Reassignment.

As little as ten years ago it was believed that natal charts were fixed at the time of birth, and that lives would inevitably follow the courses those charts foretold. Then Professor Claire Voyant from Scotland’s Skye University performed the pioneering procedure that changed the star sign of Mrs Stella McTarot of Glasgow from Taurus with Capricorn rising, to Aquarius with Sagittarius rising. Continue Reading

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Posted in Horoscopes, Science & Technologizzy, Top Stories0 Comments

They’re Coming for Your Car Keys. Welcome to the World of Self-Driving Cars

They’re Coming for Your Car Keys. Welcome to the World of Self-Driving Cars

One of my favorite jokes goes like this: “I got really drunk last night, so I decided to take the bus home. Now that may not sound impressive to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before.” Stop the Presses! Drunk drivers may soon not need to drive the bus – or their car – anymore. Welcome to the world of self-driving cars. They’re just around the corner.

Several tech companies like Tesla, Google and Apple are driving ahead with plans to mass-produce “autonomous” cars. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science & Technologizzy, Society, Travel0 Comments

Visual World To Revert To Black-and-White

Visual World To Revert To Black-and-White

Scientists have warned that our visual world will almost certainly revert to monochrome, or black-and-white, within the next five to ten years.

Those who have viewed photographs, films or television recordings made during the early or mid 20th century, will have seen the achromatic world in which people then lived. Those alive at the time will recall the gradual emergence of colour, from the late 1950s to the early 1970s, that finally led to the rainbow-hued spectrum with which we are now familiar. Continue Reading

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Tourists Flock to See Non-existent, Abstract Mathematical Concepts

Tourists Flock to See Non-existent, Abstract Mathematical Concepts

The Royal Observatory at Greenwich, England, today announced the opening to the public of two further lines of longitude.

For many years, the famous Zero or Prime Meridian at the Observatory had attracted increasing numbers of tourists, each wishing to be photographed whilst standing upon it.

Queues often stretched from the Observatory to the Thames, and in 2009 visits to the Meridian had to be restricted to those who purchased tickets in advance. Continue Reading

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How Much a Smartphone will Really Cost You

How Much a Smartphone will Really Cost You

Smartphones are all around us, and everybody wants them. They need this kind of technology in their lives, to read the news, to stalk their exes on social networks, and to make all the selfies they need. But, like all things in life, smartphones are costly – and their costs often go beyond what meets the eye. Let us calculate the real cost of you playing on your smartphone.

The tangible part

Smartphones are built using a series of materials, ranging from plastic recycled from LEGO blocks, Twinkies wrappers, and PET bottles regurgitated by endangered oceanic fish, to metals extracted by child miners in backwater countries of the Third World. Their screens are sanded to perfection using a fine, white powder made out of the milk teeth of 18 year old virgins – and we all know how hard these are to come by. Since all their components are extremely small, gremlin guest workers are hired to do this tenuous job. The resulting hardware is rendered extra frail to have as short a replacement cycle as possible.

The games you play

No smartphone would be complete without the reels of a slot machine running on its screen. Experts recommend the All Slots Casino, at www.allslotscasino.com, an international operator with a massive library of games, as the best destination to gamble online. Not for the users in the US, though – the All Slots Casino is, unfortunately, not accepting players from the land of the free, thanks to a law passed by a greedy government in 2006. But players in other countries, from Canada to Australia, are free to play one of the more than one hundred amazing slot machines and table games available at the All Slots Mobile Casino. And they don’t even have to pay for this privilege – the All Slots Casino offers them the chance to play their favorite game free of charge, as well.

The hidden costs

To play games on your smartphone, you’ll need something nobody tells you about from the start: an internet connection. Connecting to the global network secretly supervised by every three-letter agency in the US (and some others which don’t even have acronyms, if you can imagine something like this in the Land of the Free) will allow smartphone users not only to play their favorite games (carefully filtered by the authorities, of course), but to follow their preferred news sources online. Like ours, for example. But this will come at a cost.

Since you can’t always rely on your dumb neighbor’s unsecured WiFi, you’ll need to subscribe to your own data plan. And this will set you back an easy $20 each month – more, if the above mentioned agencies’ tracking code messes with your transfer speeds.

As you can see, the retail price of your smartphone is minuscule compared to what building it costs the environment, and human dignity. Be proud to own such a priceless piece of technology!

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