Cook: “Here at Apple, we’re proud to announce our latest innovation. It’s called Bedtime, and it can improve your sleep quality by 160%.” Continue Reading
Posted on 18 November 2016.
Cook: “Here at Apple, we’re proud to announce our latest innovation. It’s called Bedtime, and it can improve your sleep quality by 160%.” Continue Reading
Posted on 29 October 2016.
NOTE FROM WALLACE: As one of the very longest running fake news satire outlets of all time, Glossy News has had a lot of classics over the years. Here’s one of the pieces that really stood out.
In my opinion: you’re already doing well if you can put good content in the mouths of your satire personas. But to mimic their style is really quite an advanced skill. Well done Benjamin!
Dateline: SPRINGFIELD, MI—Speaking jointly at a press conference after coming to a unanimous decision at this year’s Skepticon, held at Missouri State University, representatives of the New Atheist movement condemned sleep and sex for being irrational.
“Religious faith is clearly unreasonable,” said author Sam Harris, “but so are your unconscious dreams and so is your sex life. If we’re going to survive the coming technological advances, we’ve got to smarten up and cut all ties to our primitive ancestry. We’ve got to become posthuman.” Continue Reading
Posted on 06 October 2016.
Ever spent so much that it literally felt like you were burning money? While it’s never a good idea to spend more than you can afford, the idea of burning your money isn’t quite as bad as it used to be. Of course, we’re not saying that you should unfold a wad of dollar bills and casually set them alight, but if you did it wouldn’t be the end of the world.
Why, we hear you cry? Well, thanks to the wonders of the Internet, you can now pay for almost anything and everything without using physical cash. In fact, you don’t even need to use a government-controlled currency such as the US Dollar or Great British Pound if you don’t want to.
Modern technology has literally revolutionized the payment world in recent years and by far the biggest innovation is cryptocurrencies. Essentially a monetary system created by the Internet and for the Internet, cryptocurrencies aren’t subject to any government sanctions and are an extremely efficient way to pay online. Continue Reading
Posted on 06 October 2016.
When the idea of the mobile phone was made a reality back in the early 1980s, it was done so with the aim of enabling people to make and receive calls from wherever they were. Nowadays, though, phone calls are often one of the lesser used functions of a mobile phone. Since the smartphone has hit the shelves, the mobile device has taken a new life from phone to computer, camera to games console, and as new apps keep hitting the market, it is bound to get even more functions. With almost three billion people across the globe currently in possession of a smartphone, it’s probably fair to say as a civilisation that we are now pretty reliant on our phones for a host of reasons.
One aspect of life a mobile phone can help us with is when we’re just waiting around. Whether it’s while you’re waiting for a bus, sat on a toilet or in the process of being stood up on a first date, our smartphones can save us from boredom as well as potentially awkward situations.
As you’re waiting for a train or a date, a smartphone can be a game-changer. While in years gone by you would have been forced to read the train timetable or try to act as though the wine menu was intensely interesting, you can now simply get out your phone and check out your social media or catch up on last night’s episode of Celebrity Masterchef. With so many awesome apps constantly being released, as long as you have your phone with you, you no longer have to suffer from the boredom virus.
Sitting on the toilet and reading the newspaper might be how your parents did things but the world has changed over the past 20 years. A recent survey by Voucherbox found that over three quarters of respondents took their phones with them to the toilet. You might expect many to be using this time as a chance to catch up on social media or play games. The truth is that many actually use their toilet break as an opportunity to work, with over half sending an email while one in 10 people who responded to the survey admitted to taking part in conference calls while taking care of their own personal “business”. It’s not all work, though, with 51% revealing they make online purchases while in the bathroom – adding a whole new meaning to the expression “spending a penny”.
Let’s be honest, we’ve all ended up spending two hours in a cinema on a first date wanting to walk out because the film was just terrible but having to stay because leaving someone in the cinema on their own is up there with checking out the waitress/waiter in terms of bad first-date moves.
Rather than having to watch the latest Adam Sandler offering on the big screen, you can instead watch the second half of the football or the latest episode of Game of Thrones. And if the date is going as badly as the film, your smartphone can save the day again as you order an Uber and get yourself out of Dodge.
So, while we might have begun to take our smartphones for granted, take a moment to reflect on just how important to everyday life our phones are. And try not to drop it down the toilet when you’re next playing Candy Crush and avoiding work.
Posted on 27 September 2016.
NEW YORK – The incredibly addictive Pokemon-Go app, which has sent countless millions of people out into the world to stare at their cell phones more than ever, has now put the U.S. Presidential elections in doubt.
Current CNN polls show that voter turnout will be at an all-time low (17%) as millions of registered voters see little point in voting for U.S. President while there are still so many fabulous Pokemon characters out there to catch.
“There’s an election like every four years, right? But Pokemon-Go is a once-in-a-lifetime event,” said Wayne Potman, 25, of Salt Lake City. “I’m not against voting, so if I’m out that day, and there happens to be a Poke-Stop or a really cool Gym right by the voting location, then I might go in to vote. Seriously. If the line is not too long.”
Pokemon-Go creator, Niantic, has promised to seed U.S. voting locations with PokeStops and rare Pokemons in a desperate effort to boost voter turnout. “We see this as a win-win and a no-brainer,” said Niantic spokesman Jesus Angleton Dulles. “We will do our part to try to resuscitate the dying American Republic through Pokemon and Pokemon-Go.”
Posted on 17 September 2016.
If you are looking to disconnect your AOL service, we will be more than happy to help you. Before you disconnect your service, however, we would like you to try just a few of the following troubleshot tips to see if we can correct your problems.
Please remember you can also use our help pages at any time.
Have you tried disconnecting your computer? Continue Reading
Posted on 16 September 2016.
Following several minutes of quasi-careful consideration, AOL/Time-Warner has bowed to the pressures of several of it’s members, and gleefully, obligingly deleted the inflamatory news website, GlossyNews.com. AOL has had no option, but to comply with the requests of its members.
Complaints rained in from one-year members including axmangladbag68 and happyprincess2004, as well as two to four year members such as colournotcolor and idigbender19. AOL regrets the need to take such dramatic action, but based on the baseless actions of the otherwise reputable, three-year publication (Ed. note: out of date info, who cares?), the decision was swift, no matter how regrettable it may be. Continue Reading
Posted on 15 September 2016.
Tomorrow and the day after, we will be including two funny pieces from Brian’s parody site on AOL.
First of all (16 September) we find out that AOL have decided to take some very, very extreme measures against a certain ‘widely regarded’ satirical and fake news outlet.
Secondly (17 September) we find out what you need to do when AOL is just not going so well for you.
Posted on 08 September 2016.
The International Bureau of Weights and Measures in Paris today announced that a “leap centimetre” would be added to the length of the metre at midnight on 31st December 2016.
‘People are familiar with the time correction that occurs in leap years,’ explained the Bureau’s Director, Professeur de l’Horloge, to BBC News, ‘but many are less aware of the periodic corrections required for the other three space-time dimensions.’
‘Time and space came into existence 13.75 billion years ago with the Big Bang,’ explained Professor Brian Cox, barging past the elderly Professeur de l’Horloge at the sight of a TV camera. ‘Space and time have been expanding ever since. Many people incorrectly believe,’ continued Professor Cox, ‘that objects in the Universe are accelerating away from each other due to the explosion of the Big Bang – rather like shrapnel travelling away from the site of an exploding grenade. In fact, objects in the Universe stay relatively still. It is space-time, itself, that is expanding.
‘We add an extra day in leap years to compensate for the additional time that has appeared during the previous four years,’ continued Professor Cox. ‘We increase the length of the metre whenever space has expanded by one centimetre per metre.’
Health officials on both sides of the Atlantic have expressed relief at news of the recalibration of the metre. ‘There is a lot of space inside the human body,’ explained UK Secretary of State for Health, Jeremy Hunt, ‘and we now realise that much of the, so called, obesity epidemic has been due to the expansion of that space in accordance with Einstein’s and Hubble’s predictions. People simply appear to be getting fatter due to the expansion of the Universe. The recalibration will correct this.’
Slimming organisations, however, have expressed concern about the recalibration. ‘We expect it to result in a reduction of four dress sizes for a typical woman,’ admitted a spokesperson for Weight Watchers. ‘Mr Einstein’s and Mr Hubble’s interference could result in the closure of many slimming clubs due to members feeling satisfied with their new measurements.’
Bon viveurs have been heartened to learn that there are cosmological and quantum mechanical formulae that explain their paunches. Some now even sport tee-shirts proudly proclaiming these equations. I am really a slim participant in an expanding universe reads a slogan on a typical, extra large tee-shirt.
Homeowners have generally reacted positively to the change. ‘Now that my front room is larger,’ explained a typical UK householder, ‘I can fit a bigger TV in. Also, that extra floor space in the garage makes it much easier to park the car. The downside,’ he added ‘is that council tax rates are based on floor area, and my house has been put into a higher rating band as a result of its increase in size.’
‘There have been some complaints from homeowners,’ admitted UK Housing Minister, Gavin Barwell, ‘about council tax rate increases that have resulted from the Universe expanding, rather than from traditional property extensions. However,’ he continued, ‘in a recent High Court judgement, it was concluded that rateable values could be increased on those grounds. The judges reasoned that, although the extra floor area caused by the expansion of space-time was not the fault of the homeowner, that person still benefited from increased room sizes. It must also be remembered,’ he concluded, ‘that the self same cosmic phenomenon has given householders additional time to pay their bills.’
Businessmen and holiday makers have also noticed increased costs. ‘Due to the expansion of space,’ explained a spokeswoman for American Airlines, ‘it is now further to fly to destinations. For example,’ she clarified, ‘from America, flying east, Spain is where Italy used to be. That has led to increased fuel costs, and hence an increase in the price of tickets. ‘Also,’ she concluded, ‘we have had to serve additional in-flight meals.’
Another group thrown into confusion by the expansion of the universe has been traffic police. ‘We used to be able to raise thousands of pounds for the Traffic Officers’ Social Club by stalking innocent motorists and awaiting minor speed infringements,’ confessed a traffic police spokesman. ‘Now defence solicitors call astrophysicists as witnesses. They cast doubt upon any evidence related to distance or time – and hence speed. Indeed, only last week, Professor Brian Cox argued, in a case at Winchester Crown Court, that a drink driving offence should be dismissed due to uncertainties about true blood alcohol content following from the local effect of universal space-time expansion on the volume of the defendant’s veins. Nobody else knew enough maths to challenge him, and so his view prevailed.’
‘Most people benefit from the expansion of space-time,’ confirmed a spokesperson for the International Bureau of Weights and Measures. ‘We are able to enjoy everything from wider roads and bigger beaches, to improved sex lives for those who have believed a certain anatomical feature to be too short. There is also more time to get things done. ‘Finally,’ she concluded, ‘people worry about what will happen to us all when space has expanded to the point where, for example, the refrigerator in the kitchen might be miles away from the microwave. Rest assured that this will not happen for many millions of years.’
Posted on 26 August 2016.
Astrologers remain divided about the increasing number of people choosing to undergo Star Sign Reassignment.
As little as ten years ago it was believed that natal charts were fixed at the time of birth, and that lives would inevitably follow the courses those charts foretold. Then Professor Claire Voyant from Scotland’s Skye University performed the pioneering procedure that changed the star sign of Mrs Stella McTarot of Glasgow from Taurus with Capricorn rising, to Aquarius with Sagittarius rising. Continue Reading
Posted on 10 August 2016.
One of my favorite jokes goes like this: “I got really drunk last night, so I decided to take the bus home. Now that may not sound impressive to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before.” Stop the Presses! Drunk drivers may soon not need to drive the bus – or their car – anymore. Welcome to the world of self-driving cars. They’re just around the corner.
Several tech companies like Tesla, Google and Apple are driving ahead with plans to mass-produce “autonomous” cars. Continue Reading
Posted on 30 July 2016.
Scientists have warned that our visual world will almost certainly revert to monochrome, or black-and-white, within the next five to ten years.
Those who have viewed photographs, films or television recordings made during the early or mid 20th century, will have seen the achromatic world in which people then lived. Those alive at the time will recall the gradual emergence of colour, from the late 1950s to the early 1970s, that finally led to the rainbow-hued spectrum with which we are now familiar. Continue Reading
Posted on 23 July 2016.
The Royal Observatory at Greenwich, England, today announced the opening to the public of two further lines of longitude.
For many years, the famous Zero or Prime Meridian at the Observatory had attracted increasing numbers of tourists, each wishing to be photographed whilst standing upon it.
Queues often stretched from the Observatory to the Thames, and in 2009 visits to the Meridian had to be restricted to those who purchased tickets in advance. Continue Reading
Posted on 22 July 2016.
Smartphones are all around us, and everybody wants them. They need this kind of technology in their lives, to read the news, to stalk their exes on social networks, and to make all the selfies they need. But, like all things in life, smartphones are costly – and their costs often go beyond what meets the eye. Let us calculate the real cost of you playing on your smartphone.
Smartphones are built using a series of materials, ranging from plastic recycled from LEGO blocks, Twinkies wrappers, and PET bottles regurgitated by endangered oceanic fish, to metals extracted by child miners in backwater countries of the Third World. Their screens are sanded to perfection using a fine, white powder made out of the milk teeth of 18 year old virgins – and we all know how hard these are to come by. Since all their components are extremely small, gremlin guest workers are hired to do this tenuous job. The resulting hardware is rendered extra frail to have as short a replacement cycle as possible.
No smartphone would be complete without the reels of a slot machine running on its screen. Experts recommend the All Slots Casino, at www.allslotscasino.com, an international operator with a massive library of games, as the best destination to gamble online. Not for the users in the US, though – the All Slots Casino is, unfortunately, not accepting players from the land of the free, thanks to a law passed by a greedy government in 2006. But players in other countries, from Canada to Australia, are free to play one of the more than one hundred amazing slot machines and table games available at the All Slots Mobile Casino. And they don’t even have to pay for this privilege – the All Slots Casino offers them the chance to play their favorite game free of charge, as well.
To play games on your smartphone, you’ll need something nobody tells you about from the start: an internet connection. Connecting to the global network secretly supervised by every three-letter agency in the US (and some others which don’t even have acronyms, if you can imagine something like this in the Land of the Free) will allow smartphone users not only to play their favorite games (carefully filtered by the authorities, of course), but to follow their preferred news sources online. Like ours, for example. But this will come at a cost.
Since you can’t always rely on your dumb neighbor’s unsecured WiFi, you’ll need to subscribe to your own data plan. And this will set you back an easy $20 each month – more, if the above mentioned agencies’ tracking code messes with your transfer speeds.
As you can see, the retail price of your smartphone is minuscule compared to what building it costs the environment, and human dignity. Be proud to own such a priceless piece of technology!
Posted on 07 July 2016.
I’ve been a PayPal user for ages. If you mistake them for a bank, you do so at your peril, because they charge the highest fees, offer the lowest interest of all (zero, for the curious), and getting customer service is like trying to explain a card trick to Comcast over the phone.
Did I mention they are awful? Well, they are, and I’ll tell you why: Continue Reading
Posted on 07 June 2016.
Recently, scientists at the Howard Hughes Medical Institute at Harvard Medical School have analyzed DNA from prehistory, to discover large population shifts ranging from 45,000-7,000 years ago. Scientist David Reich concluded that these changes in prehistoric human populations directly correlate to the last Ice Age, which enabled prehistoric human migration to much of the northern world. And remnants of that ancient world can still be observed today. Continue Reading
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